Bound and at least three-quarters of the original
Matrix aside, the Wachowski brothers have shown a distressing
tendency to take should-be-surefire geek concepts and boil the fun
right out of them. The Wachowski-produced Ninja Assassin (directed by their V for Vendetta cohort James McTeigue)
continues this trend, sadly. By all rights, this heavily R-rated homage
to ’80s nunchuck cinema should be, like, The Coolest Thing Ever, but it
falls curiously flat. Once you get past the novelty of watching various
body parts slide off in a blurt of CGI blood—which, granted, may
take a good 30 to 45 minutes—the film just stands there, flexing.
Call me crazy, but a movie that features ninjas flipping out and
killing people on the autobahn should be more fun.
The plot, cowritten by Fanboy High Father J. Michael Straczynski,
follows a reformed Shadow Warrior (Korean pop icon Rain) tasked to
protect an Interpol researcher (Naomie Harris, slumming) from a
ticked-off gaggle of his former comrades, led by drive-in chop-socky
icon Shô Kosugi. The flashbacks almost outnumber the throwing
stars.
The hallmarks of the Wachowski style—overly dark environments,
blocks of expository blathering posing as dialogue, variable-speed
money shots, designer sunglasses—are in full effect, amplified by
the lead performer’s hesitancy with any scene that doesn’t involve
kicking dudes in the face. Even more off-putting, though, is an extreme
case of the numbness that bedevils so many action movies lately: namely
the sense that everything even remotely visceral—blood spatter,
weapons, high kicks—was crafted in the sterile confines of a
computer. Back in the cheesy pre-Mac kung fu days, the viewer could
happily gawk at highly trained people performing at the edge of their
abilities, even when you could spot the wires. Here, though, it’s just
a bunch of really expensive Colorforms, boringly posed. Bruce Lee would
plotz. 
And that’s why Tony Jaa is so freaking cool.
I can’t believe I sat through the whole thing. Totally, mind-bogglingly boring. As a hetero girlchild I at least got some relief by sighing over Rain’s abs, but even that lost its charms by the fifth big fight scene.
This is so sad.
I dunno, I had a great time with this one once the initial exposition was done. Yeah, they could have punched it up a bit, but I felt that my basic requirements for a movie called “Ninja Assassin” were satisfied (many ninjas kicking ass in a variety of places, just enough plot to justify the kicking of ass). I went in with low expectations and found them exceeded.