Credit: Steven Weissman

I suck at writing thank-you notes. Yes, I am a shitty self-involved human being for being a non-thank-you-note-writing person. You all talk about me behind my back for it, you all complain to my husband about it. Funny, none of you helped me pay for my wedding, and every single one of you had an opinion about where it should be held and what time of day it should occur. I don’t want your gifts if I am going to be cast in a horrible light for not killing trees and wasting time on something that is going to be thrown away when you get it. And why do you not think my husband is the bad person for not writing the notes? Why is it always the woman’s fault? recommended

89 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  1. Also? When I don’t receive a thank-you note I wonder, “Was my gift not received? Was it lost in the mail? Stolen at the reception? Separated from its gift card so the bride and groom didn’t know who it was from?” These are all situations I’d like to be aware of. There’s a practical aspect to writing thank-you notes in addition to basic, simple, common fucking courtesy.

  2. Admittedly, I did not send thank you notes after my wedding, but I did a big thank you during our wedding dinner to thank everyone from the cockles of my heart for flying to Vegas and partying down with us.
    I think that if you say a heartfelt thank you to people face to face, you can forgo the thank you cards.
    However, you don’t get to have a shitty poor-me attitude about it when people call you out for NOT having at least SAID “thank you.” That is just assy behavior.

  6. Why does a person give a gift? If it’s a tit-for-tat thing, then fuck ’em. People who give a genuine gift don’t need the recognition and should understand all the different pieces swirling in the air surrounding two newlyweds (especially if they both just planned and executed their own wedding). “Thank you”s are a polite gesture, but, yes, they will be recycled almost immediately after arriving, and I think it’s the same people who send that send holiday cards (i.e. traditional freaks). Take a load off. No biggie.

  7. When someone sends you a gift, you send a nice thank you card. That’s just the way the world works. Get over it (and yourself).

  9. Wow, lady, got the hint yet?

    I agree, you are selfish to not thank them formally. You sent out invitations, no? They gave you the gift thinking you were one type of person, the type that APPRECIATES them for their efforts, like showing up to your wedding and welcoming you into their family.

    How you receive a gift say a lot about you too, your graciousness, class, etc… and, obviously, how you will be received by your new family.

    This letter is chock full of undue resentment. Lighten up!

  10. You’re all idiots. A spoken, or called, thank you, or why the fuck not a thank you in person upon recieving the gift, is fine. No one keeps thank you cards, people don’t even like them, they’re just a fucking checkbox.

  11. “Funny, none of you helped me pay for my wedding…”
    WTF? Since when is it someone else’s responsibility to pay for your wedding?
    Even if it was family and they had opinions about what you should do, who cares? You do what you want and what you can afford. End of story. And then you (along with hubby) write your damn thank you notes!

  12. Entitled bitch. You probably registered a pile of the most expensive crap at the most expensive store and then invited 300-500 people (some of whom you barely know or have barely spoken to in years) to “score” the most cash and prizes. Now you’re bitching and whining because the people who lugged their butts to “your special day” expect you to say thanks for the time, expense, and trouble they went to so you could be a “princess”.

    Yeah, it’s unfair they’re not on your husband too, but you still owe everyone who came or sent money or a gift a ‘thank you’. Sit both your butts down and write them…and don’t send some passive aggressive crap, either. Make it a real, sincere thanks because if you don’t you’ll regret it…as soon as you have your 300-500 person baby shower and nobody shows.

  13. People respond to things based on how they were raised—their own family dynamic. Note the people who say, “Calm down, it’s no big deal” because it is, in fact, no big deal in their family. Note the people that are like “Bitch, it’s just common decency” often follow that up with an anecdote about how they were taught to do it, at some point, by their parents.

    The latter are taught that etiquette is a minimal sign of human dignity, or of class. Like it or not—and rebel against it all you want—but gestures like these will always be a reflection of class.

    The real problem with etiquette is that when you DON’T do it (for whatever reason, you don’t know, or it’s utter BS, etc.) you can sorely offend the person who was taught it is important.

    So the issue with weddings is that you’re inviting people from OTHER family dynamics and beliefs. You know about the expectation, and that it’s a big deal to some, so you feel the pressure, and have to make a decision. Do you want to spin the wheel and find out if they hate you forever over something so dumb/meaningless to you?

    If it is daunting: Ignore the crippling layers and just make a decision. But try to stop blaming other people, or “society”, for your own neurosis.

  15. Manners matter.

    It is how we treat one another daily that maintains civility. Once that erodes what are we left with? Snarling hostility that degenerates as the mood of communities becomes more rancorous, unpleasant, resentful and inconsiderate.

    So congratulations Anonymous, you made the world a worse place by not acknowledging the kindness and generosity of your guests: you are the barbarian at the gate.

  16. This bride needs to be kicked hard in the box! What a lazy selfish twat! I doubt the people who will attend her next wedding ( the present husband will wise up to what a lazy freak he married ) will so forthcoming with getting her gifts.

  17. In this part of the world, writing thank you notes will be an insult….we warmly thank the guests at a marriage for their presence and a prompt phone call thanking them for their lovely/unique/ gift

  18. Pour a glass of white wine, pop in a DVD of some TV show you need to catch up on, and write the damn notes. And no, you do not get points for pulling the feminist card.

    Real feminists make their fiancees sit down and address the invitations with them….and later on, expect help with thank yous, Christmas cards, gift wrapping, and helping the kids dye their Easter eggs. If you establish that it is your responsibility now, and that is what you are doing by not pressing him to share in the tasks, then you are looking at decades of drudgery in the future. Unless you are like me, and actually find happiness is thanking people, wrapping their presents, in which case his sloppy use of scotch tape will just drive you mad.

  20. When I was seventeen, I wrote all my relatives thank-you notes for Christmas. (I have a huge family, and I hated doing it because of that.) Two weeks later, my father showed me an email from my aunt — it was scolding all of her nieces and nephews, saying “Mom send out gifts to all of you, and she received only one thank-you note.”

    Now I always write my thank-yous.

  21. After reading some of the comments and thinking about some of my own situations (and not being married), here are my own humble conlcusions about the appropriateness of Thank You notes:

    1) If the gift-giving event is small, informal, and includes only close friends and/or family (ie, a birthday party), and the gifts are opened on the spot, then a verbal TY is sufficient.

    2) As a corollary to #1, if the [small, informal] event is in celebration of something that does not/should not occur annually (ie, wedding, anniversary, baby shower), then a TY note in addition to the verbal TY would be very nice.

    3) At certain events (ie, large wedding, baby shower for a first child, a milestone wedding anniversary) it is OK to give a generic verbal TY, but individual TY notes should follow.

    4) If an invited guest cannot attend the event and still sends a gift, then a TY note is REQUIRED.

  22. 1. I am amazed how many people care about this (especially enough to call the writer some pretty horrible names…we are pretty desensitized when being “impolite” warrants branding someone a whore…seems to me that the name-callers are pretty impolite and disproportionate in their abuse).

    2. It costs money and a lot of effort to throw a wedding: the bride is clearly frustrated with having put in a lot of effort and hearing through the grape-vine that the last little thing which she didn’t get to is being used as the basis of gossip against her. The appropriate thing would be for a friend or family member who viewed this as important to talk to her directly saying that many other friends and family would probably appreciate a note AND offer to help her (“Stationary is fun, and I’d love to help out by picking up some great recycled blah blah blah.”)

    3. When you are about to buy a gift or commit to go to a wedding, ask yourself whether you will be seething with rage if you are not given a pat on the back when it is received: if the answer is yes, then don’t buy it or go to the wedding. If the pat on the back is all that is holding you back from resenting the giftee/person whose occasion is being celebrated, opting out will be better for you and better for them.

  23. Also, it gets a lot harder to write a sincere thank you note when you know someone was trashing you behind your back. I would have a pretty hard time not writing some super sugary passive aggressive stuff. Best of luck, I anon.

  24. wow. some people need to lay off. I completely get where you’re coming from! Nobody needs to be talking shit behind your back for not writing thank you notes. On the other hand it is nice to get a thank you. so for those ppl in your everyday life, maybe a quick personal “thank you” in person makes more sense, but yeah! why take the time to write out a bunch of unsincere thank yous that ppl will eventually be thrown away!! there’s no need for ppl to complain about it. I mean it is your wedding after all. ppl need to grow up!

  25. Thank you voiceofreason. I couldnt help but chuckle at the irony of the above comments berating the woman for her lack of civility and class yet at the same time feeling it appropriate to identify someone they have never met as a lazy bitch and a whore. Take heart anonymous, Im sure your wedding was beautiful day for you and your guests and I hope you and your husband have a long and happy life together.

  29. I find that the only thing that makes me feel better when I feel slighted is to rise up, dust off my petty disdain and do the right thing. I’ve watched my mother sink down into a sour, selfish unhappy woman who has alienated all her friends and relatives because she felt slighted because they told her what to do or didn’t immediately return her call. It’s all everyone else’s fault, and always will be. The only person whose behavior and happiness you can affect is yours. So write the fucking notes already, you will feel like the better person.

  31. I strongly support this bride. Thank you notes are a huge waste of time and should not be mandatory. Do them if you enjoy them, but don’t do them out of some fucked-up sense of obligation, especially if the relatives in question are clearly assholes as in this case. After putting in a lot of work for this wedding so everyone else could get drunk and eat free food, and having to deal with starting a marriage, the last thing she should be worried about is writing letters that will get thrown out 30 seconds after they’re opened.

  33. @83, it’s not like having a big wedding is mandatory. Mine only had 25 guests. If your wedding is so big that you can’t even think about thanking people for gifts (even on the phone, email) then you should have scaled it back to something manageable.

  34. I don’t give repeat gifts to people who don’t acknowledge them. If you’re not happy with notes written on paper, then use email, telephone, telegram, carrier pigeon or whatever, but get busy thanking the people who thought enough of you to go through the effort and expense of sending you a gift. It’s not optional, and you’ll damage relationships by refusing to do it. Corral the husband, put in a DVD, pour the wine, and start writing some short but sincere notes. You managed to send out the invites, right? Then the thanks should be no problem.

  35. @83 Thank you notes are not about the enjoyment of the writer, they’re about the enjoyment of the receiver.

    This woman is saying “Oh, you’d like me to acknowledge your generosity? Well, fuck you!”

    And I don’t get it.

  36. Wow some of you people just amaze me….you are rude and sling derogatory names at someone you don’t know, and then turn around and call THEM immature and lacking class? really?

    Personally I hate the whole wedding “tradition” a reason I avoided it in the first place. First you send a save the date card, then an invitation, then you spend months planning a wedding that is NOT for you but for everyone else, they buy a gift and then YOU have to again write out a stupid card.

    And it’s the 20th century – why is everything still have to be the women?

    I’ll give you a gift for a wedding present – please don’t send me a thank you note, it just gets tossed in the trash….

  37. My grandmother would always cut these huge birthday checks for us, being that we are twins obviously we got them the same day. 16th birthday I get my check, which was enough to buy a car (like a piece of shit 500 car but nontheless) and my sister gets jack. She figures hers gets lost in the mail and calls grandma up, and my grandma tells her, you were too busy to write me a thank you card last year, well this year I’m too busy to write your check. Now before anyone thinks my grandma was some evil witch, my sister eventually did get her birthday check with a nice letter from my grandmother explaining why in life such little things are so absolutly important. People might think such things are a waste of paper and unessacary, and I do think in some situations a email is sufficient. But trust me, people remember not getting a thank you, it’s just tacky not to do so.

  38. Then maybe you shouldn’t invite anyone to your next wedding. And considering your selfish attitude, it sounds forthcoming at some point – the world is populated beyond you, but you don’t yet realize that, do you?

  39. I accept invitations to weddings. I attend a ceremony, and, afterward, a party at which I am served a meal and booze and dance my ass off to a band or DJ, *all on someone else’s dime.* The gift I brought is the thanks that *I* owe to *them* for including me in the festivities.

    Anon and her spouse accepted gifts from people who accepted a free meal and free booze; sounds even-Steven to me.

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