Rat, its whats for dinner.
Rat, it’s what’s for dinner. Dovapi/gettyimages.com

There happens to be a monkey in the world that loves nothing more than eating rats whole, even big ones. It puts the rodent in its mouth. Its teeth bite rat flesh. Its tongue is bathed in rat blood as its throat swallows humankind’s number one pest. This primate is a Malaysian macaque. If you observe this animal unscientifically, they will appear to eat lots of fruit and the occasional bird or lizard as a snack. But if they are observed scientifically, it’s revealed that they spend a generous amount of time catching and eating rats. They really love rat meat. The discovery stunned scientists. “I did not expect them to hunt these relatively large rodents or that they would even eat so much meat,” said Nadine Ruppert, of Universiti Sains Malaysia.

One study, conducted in a palm plantation, found that “by uncovering cavities in oil palm trunks, where rats seek shelter during the day, one group of pig-tailed macaques can catch more than 3,000 rats per year.” Three thousand rats gone like that! Why do we have cats when we could have macaques? Here is an image of one just eating a rat like its a hotdog…


Picture this: A macaque troop released in Cal Anderson Park, which is rat infested. My god. It would be just too wonderful. Rats would not stand a chance. They would have finally met their match. Humans are helpless. We depend on cats, which apparently are not that effective, and all manner of traps that rats always outwit. But behold this primate from Malaysia. It’s is not having it. No traps, not much thought, even. You, rat, are just dinner to this monkey. And there is no stopping this fact.

The only thing we Seattleites would have to become accustomed to now and then is having to watch the monkeys eat the disgusting things. But that is a small price to pay when one considers what’s in the future for this region. As the world warms, we can expect more and more rats in the Pacific Northwest. Gone are the freezing winters that used to check the rat population. It will be nice and warm all year around in Cal Anderson Park. The rats will breed like there is no tomorrow.

There is another big problem with rats. They are getting smarter. They can even drive cars now.

Charles Mudede—who writes about film, books, music, and his life in Rhodesia, Zimbabwe, the USA, and the UK for The Stranger—was born near a steel plant in Kwe Kwe, Zimbabwe. He has no memory...