We’re revisiting some of the most popular Savage Love letters of all time and organizing them in our new Best Savage Love Letters of the Day section. Today’s fan favorite comes from August, 2014. —Eds. Note
I’m a 47-year-old heterosexual male, never married, no kids, and single for many years now. I’ve always appreciated your statements on the podcast that there isn’t someone for everyone. I also agree with your statement it’s impossible to give the undateable useful dating advice, and I’m not asking for such advice here.
I’ve never wanted kids, and over the last few years I’ve made peace with the fact I’ve been alone a long time, and will likely be alone for many more years. I have a good job, I have friends, hobbies, I go out and enjoy myself. I recognize my life is pretty good, and I’m grateful for what I have. I’m not shutting the door completely on love, but I’m working on not beating myself up over not being partnered.
So what’s the problem? The opinion of everyone else in the world.
It comes across in many ways. A co-worker gets married, then has a child, and everyone talks how this is achievement—like marriage and children are items you accumulate. Someone mutters “He’s X years old and unmarried—is he gay or a serial killer?” I was listening to another popular podcast where the host and guest discussed how many times they’d both been married and then the host suggests if you’re over 40 and have never been married “something is wrong with you!” Well, I’m far from perfect but I see nothing wrong with me that isn’t wrong with married folks with kids. My personal pet peeve is people who tell me I just haven’t grown up. Excuse me? I’m a child because I don’t have kids? I can give myself all the pep talks in the mirror, but society keeps telling me that being old and single indicates some horrific personality flaw that wipes out any positive qualities. I get it: People judge. We all judge. It’s human nature. But having the value of my entire existence boiled down to whether I have a romantic partner or offspring just sticks in my craw.
My question then is simple: Is this constant feeling of being judged just something I have to live with? Do you have some thought or insight on this?
Single Not A Psycho