1053/1246927238-taft.jpgIt has come to my attention that on the 4th of July—among many other questionable behaviors—I performed an impromptu “Rap of the Presidents” in front of 4,500 strangers.

We “sang” “Rap of the Presidents” in my elementary school “choir,” and in the intervening years it’s stuck with me like a tattoo. A brain tattoo. One that comes in handy at bar trivia. Few things are as funny as “Rap of the Presidents,” and few things delight so heartily at a patriotic BBQ. But, all these years, I’ve only been able to remember it through Franklin Pierce!! What the FORK happens after Franklin Pierce!? Long have I lived in fear of someone asking me, “Who was right before Rutherford B. Hayes?” or “Who was our twentieth presidential dude?”

I was stuck.

Zachary Taylor, Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce…

Zachary Taylor, Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce…

Zachary Taylor, Millard Filmore, Franklin Pierce WHAAAAAT!?!?!?!?!?!?

2d4a/1246927317-mckinley.jpgA few years ago—back when the internet was smaller than it is now—I Googled the shit out of “Rap of the Presidents” and got exactly nowhere. But today, with the “memory” of my 4th of July “performance” on my mind, I decided to try again. And yo! A search for “andrew jackson was the seventh in line and martin van buren followed andy’s time” returned PRESIDENTIAL RAPPING GOLD. Get ready. (Also, FUCKING CLICK HERE and you can listen to a fully-produced version in all its creepy, culty amazingness—”with more contemporary rhythm tracks and sizzling new horn lines”!!!)

Full text of “Rap of the Presidents”—including what happens after Franklin Pierce—after the jump.

These are the presidents
Mighty, mighty presidents.

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

The father of our country, George Washington was one.
Two was John Adams, then Thomas Jefferson.
Then James Madison, and also James Monroe.
John Quincy Adams was number six, you know.

These are the presidents
Mighty, mighty presidents.

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Andrew Jackson was the seventh in line.
And Martin Van Buren followed Andy’s time.
William Henry Harrison was next at number nine.
John Tyler, James Polk; the states were doin’ fine.

These are the presidents
Mighty, mighty presidents.

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Zachary Taylor, Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce.
As James Buchanan left, things were getting pretty fierce.
Abraham Lincoln went to war so we could be
One nation living in peace and liberty.

(chorus)

Andrew Johnson was the boss in those days,
Then Ulysses S. Grant, and Rutherford B. Hayes.
James A. Garfield was the twentieth dude,
And Chester A. Arthur showed his aptitude.

(chorus)

Grover Cleveland was the president then.
Then Benjamin Harrison, and Grover went again.
William McKinley demonstrated his skill,
Then Theodore Roosevelt charged up the hill.

(chorus)

The next in line was William Howard Taft,
Then Woodrow Wilson got to try his craft.
Warren G. Harding, Calvin Coolidge, Herbert Hoover:
All of them presidential shakers and movers.

(chorus)

Franklin D. Roosevelt, a truly great man,
And Harry S. Truman took the mantle of command.
Dwight D. Eisenhower followed close behind.
And John F. Kennedy, whose fate was underlined.

(chorus)

Lyndon B. Johnson, Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford:
All recent presidents that history will record.
Then Jimmy Carter lived on Pennsylvania Avenue.
And Ronald Reagan lived there, for not one term but two.

(chorus)

And that’s where it ended, when I was in third grade. But some patriotic so-and-so has updated it for our newest presidential dudes!!

In 1988 came a presidential push.
A kindler, gentler nation elected George Bush.
In 1992 and in 1996,
We added Bill Clinton to the presidential mix.

(chorus)

The year 2000 brought a family into view.
George W. Bush was the son our nation knew.
And now in ’08, we voted once again,
And now our new president is John McCain.

Oops.

I’ll see you guys at 4th of July 2010. I’ve got a lot of memorizing to do.

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

27 replies on “Internet, I Could Kiss You on the Mouth.”

  1. This makes me feel significantly better about having memorized the Animaniacs “Song of the Presidents” all those years ago.

  2. my friends and i wrote a rap about presidents in middle school! (we’re girls and we’re white, so it was pretty bad). and not only did we have to perform it in front of our class, we ended up having to perform it in front of a THEATER full of many classes from our and other schools! quite mortifying, in retrospect.

  3. “And Chester A. Arthur showed his aptitude.”

    For what? Shitting all over the twentieth dude’s memory??

    But they got Nixon right. History will indeed record him.

  7. I think it’s clear that the writers of this rap agree regarding James Buchanan = gay — why else would thinks be “getting pretty fierce” during his presidency? I rest my case.

  8. damn, i wish i’d had this song in 6th grade when we memorized the presidents… instead i had to work with a string of weak, made-up mnemonics.

    but i can recite the states in alphabetical order thanks to the wonderful song “fifty nifty united states”!

  10. I was apparently too old to learn this. I still, however, know the main part of “Fifty Nifty United States” by heart.

  12. @3 How did Arthur shit on Garfield’s memory??? He sacrificed his political future for civil service reform. I’m not saying he was an exceptionally great president but he far exceeded expectations.

  15. Also, @12, in the words of George Washington Plunkitt, ward boss under Tammany Hall:

    “The civil service law is the biggest fraud of our age. It is the curse of the nation. There can’t be no real patriotism while it lasts. How you goin’ to interest our young men in their country if you have no offices to give them when they work for their party? … Isn’t it enough to make a man sour on his country when he wants to serve it and won’t be allowed to unless he answers a lot of fool questions about the number of cubic inches of water in the Atlantic and the quality of sand in the Sahara desert?”

    [From this amazing book.]

    Could Plunkitt have had a point? After civil service, all the fat jobs went to the educated, i. e. people whose families had money anyway. No more Plunkitts would rise from the slums to achieve public office and mysteriously become millionaires.

    Wow, until I saw the “Rap Of The Presidents” and read Cristin’s comment — which taught me everything I know about the twenty-first dude’s connection to civil service — I never realized how much I fucking hate Chester A. Arthur!

  16. I too sang this song in elementary school “choir”. And I’ve been trying to find it since the first bit gets stuck in my head with some frequency. Did you also due the 50 states + capital’s rap by the same woman?

  17. Superfrankenstein, If you support cronyism, then I guess we will never agree on Arthur. I have a soft spot for him because, even though he only got the VP job because he was Conkling’s crony, he stood up to the Stalwarts after he became President. It’s the rare example of someone gaining enormous power and becoming less corrupt. In regards to Garfield’s Cabinet, he didn’t like them and they didn’t like him so how could he run the administration under those circumstances? And it’s not like he just kicked the whole Cabinet out as soon as Garfield was buried. Chester A. Arthur was Chester A. Awesome!

  19. Loved this song in grade school we had a choir and we even got out of school for it. We also learned fifty nifty at the same time the latter stuck to my head but for some reason the former didn’t.

  24. I was imagining what it would be like if everyone who went to elementary school between 1980 and 1990 suddenly disappeared. No more GenX bitterness.

  25. @22: Thingie was a Catholic girl; she held out to the bitter end. Wossname was a different type–she’s the one who put it in. […] was a black girl, and I’m afraid of a girl like that. ? painted pictures sitting down like the Buddhists sat.

  26. Lindy, you & hegemony cricket have just made my day! Can’t wait to pass this to our (eclectic) homeschooling group. Thanks!

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