I recommend TACII look at Tuesday's SL Letter of the Day. http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archive…

She's not yet in that boat but she's on the train to the docks.

You're lazy. DTMFA and find a relationship that's more about what you enjoy about the guy than the needless, negative drama you're wallowing in today.

I guess the bottom line is this:

IMMATURE

How could I be so immature
to think he would replace
the missing elements in me?
How extremely lazy of me.

-- Björk

baconpussy's got it spot on in #2. the bjork quote was a nice touch.

Dump Iceland.

Oh, sweetness, please do yourself a favor : stop talking to him. Seriously. A period of no contact is great for two souls who are in each other's lives but just shouldn't be romantic partners. Be nice, be polite, and even cordial in public - but DO NOT have conversations with him alone (by text, email, phone, or in person). You will be able to break the "clingy" feeling more easily without the intense emotional pull. It's nice that you recognize the co-dependent feeling. Now do something positive with that knowledge. Fill your life with positive activities that further your future, rather than drunken sex (which is less safe, I guarantee you, emotionally and otherwise) with your "ex". I mean, there's nothing wrong with drunken sex, but call that decision to have sex beforehand! (I don't want folks to think that the Goddess is a prude or anti-alcohol!) Good luck, sweetheart. Let Dan know how it works out!

Oh I don't know....I started out a lot like this, I was 18 he was 24....several rocky years, several years of negotiations. And now here we are, married for 18+, still pinching ourselves that it worked out. Nobody in their right mind would have bet on us either...just like noone wants to bet on Iceland and her beau. I don't think she's being silly, she's still young, why not let it ride for a bit? Eventually it will break, and the decision will be obvious.

The question is, has anything changed since the last time they broke up?

I disagree that they necessarily shouldn't be together--they were young when they first paired up, and people make mistakes. But if she still codependently wants to move in with him (which I think is dumb at their age, but maybe it's the norm in Iceland, what do I know), and he still can't commit, etc, then it's a bad idea and they should just enjoy the occasional intense ex sex. If they actually both want the same things from each other, why not give it another shot? They're young, they've got time to spend one more mistake on each other, and it doesn't sound like anything in the past relationships was abusive or beyond the pale.

We are great when we're together

No you're not. He cheats; you argue about commitment; you're worried about everything when it comes to him; he fucked your best friend, for crying out loud. You're not great together. You're Drama personified.

If you could hook up with him without getting your emotions and feelings complicated with it, that would be great because he doesn't sound like too much of an asshole, but that doesn't seem to be possible.

It sounds to me like when you're with him you're not happy, but when you're apart you tend to idealize the relationship. Give yourself time to get over missing him. I think that might be the problem. You split up, the anger subsides, you begin to miss each other and you don't weather that time. Instead you begin creating a false past, remembering only the good times and not the reasons you broke up to begin with. When you begin to miss him, you have to remind yourself of why you broke up. Don't idealize him.

Eventually, you'll get over missing him. I promise.

By the way, I'm kind of tipsy too. ::hic::

My vote is dump him. A long-term relationship needs more than good sex to stay alive, especially considering the drama of the past. I would second what TheGoddessMaria suggests and break off contact with him. My feeling is that once he's out of your life, you'll realize you're better off. Concentrate on yourself for awhile and clear your head of him.
Good luck whatever you decide!

Both of them have some growing up to do. They're young and they need to experience the world on their own for awhile. I don't think she should necessarily cut him out of her life forever, but taking a year off from serious relationships could give them both some much needed breathing room.

Torn And Confused In Iceland,

DTMFA. You're first boyfriend should not be your last boyfriend. Date people. Lot's of people. No drama, no commitment. They won't be the love of your life in all likelihood, but maybe they'll get be good friends. Better friends than what you've got now. Then when you're through with Uni you'll have time and maturity for a committed relationship....with somebody who's also interested in a committed relationship and equally mature.

Down here in Australia (where it's also not a holiday), we have a relationship maxim that goes like this: don't go back to old stock. It's easy, it's familiar, and you're going to have some residual emotional attachment that is easy to confuse with something more profound (especially when you're feeling a bit lonely postbreak-up), but it's usually a mistake. Don't go back to old stock.

Ps. There was a disturbing absence of umlauts in your letter. Please feed our hunger for cultural diversity. All I know about Iceland is Bjork and bankrupt banks, and one of those things has an umlaut in it!

@15, I've never heard of 'don't go back to old stock.' I like it though. Makes me feel like a jillaroo.
I think TACII's major block is that they share the same friends. She needs to broaden her circle, find a hobby, some volunteer work, anything that will give her a break from what sounds like quite an intense group of friends. And yeah, intense sex gets old quickly.

Walk away, dear.

I'm going against the general consensus here and advising you to give it a shot. Give it a shot, but proceed with caution. Proceeding with caution means giving it several more months before moving in together.

You've got a history together going back to high school. You're both really dear to each other. Neither of you has done anything really horrible to the other. The sex is good. You share a first language that's peculiar to only 320,000 people on the planet.

It seems to me that the biggest obstacle between you is not either of you, not traits either of you have, not weaknesses in either of your characters, but the unrealistic Judeo-Christian notion of fidelity.

We're still expected to meet someone right at the beginning of adulthood, not even kiss until then, marry within a year, and stay exclusively exclusive to each other until you both die. It made more sense 200 years ago when you were expected to die of overwork, old age, and poor nutrition before you turned 50. But it was bullshit then, even as an ideal. It's twice bullshittier now when your life expectancy is approaching 100.

At your age, exclusive monogamy is too much to expect from either one of you. You're both in your unsettled youth. It's your time of life to backpack through Europe, tour the US, make sacrifices for your career, have short mad flings with boys and girls who in the morning look oddly like Christopher Guest as Count Rugin in The Princess Bride. Settling down is somewhere between five and ten years in the future.

So reassess and redefine your relationship based on those terms, TACII. See if you can make each other happy with looser expectations of monogamy. For both of you.

Be prepared for the possibility that you may not be well suited for each other, but it's worth another shot.

I'm with 17 - get some new friends. Once you have him totally out of your life, you won't get sucked back in with the "I miss you" "I love you" and "you're beautiful" lines he is spouting. It will take awhile, particularly since you sound like a young, naive, insecure girl (who isn't at 20?), but this, too, shall pass. Find someone else to hang out with, and you will eventually be OK and over him.

If it didn't work before and he keeps cheating on you, what makes you think he will change now?

Do whatever you want. You'll either work out or you'll get tired of the bullshit, break up and move on for real. You're young enough that you'll recover pretty quick, but if you don't keep giving it that one last try, then you'll always wonder, what if.

Chances are good you'll get tired of the bullshit cuz you're already questioning it now. So do whatever.

Sounds like every straight couple I've ever known. They will get married, have kids, and spend the rest of their lives regretting it.

Today, I'm thankful I'm not as inexperienced and naive as this woman clearly is. Those times were interesting... but thank christ they're over.

i'm with 23.

Ugh. You're 20, so you're going to keep making the same mistake over and over until you don't (hopefully that will be in the mid-twenties, but cross your fingers that you've at least stopped it by your 30s).

Face the fact that you will keep fucking this guy - the chemistry is too good, and you're both drama queens and all your friends (and strangers from the internet) telling you to dump each other just adds a hint of illicit spice to the mix. You'll probably continue to have sex with each other when one or both of you are in a "real" relationship.

My advice: Just keep doing it like rabbits until the shine wears off. It will eventually - probably around the time your friends get sick of hearing about the tormented nature of his/your soul, or you get a job and realize being "deep in thought and intense" doesn't actually pay any bills.

And if the shine never wears off, maybe you really are destined to make each other miserable for the rest of your lives, like all the happy drama queens who think it's not really romance unless somebody's about to slit a wrist.

Hopefully you'll fuck yourselves sane and bored before you make any lifetime committments that eliminate any chances to move outside your circle and find someone you can actually be happy with.

If I speak bitterly, it's because I WAS YOU when I was 20, and I hate that I ever wasted that much time crying over my bad poetry and notebooks (when I could have been nailing hot college guys).

For the record, the sex you have with other grown-ups is way better than it ever is with the guy you've been torturing yourself over since you were 15. Trust me.

I agree with 21. You're so young, and it sounds like he hasn't been dangerous or abusive. It's just normal young love nonsense and maybe you just need to play it out. My guess is that the relationship will be consistently wonderful as long as you're not officially 'together.' But move in together, or even just decide you're back to being a couple, and it will go downhill again.

The fact that you have all the same friends won't help you get out of the situation if and when you decide you've had enough. When that time comes, you're gonna need to get away. Spend 6 months abroad or something. Find out that life is so much bigger and that love is not the be-all and end-all.

The first real relationship is special. It's very hard to acknowledge when it doesn't work. It sounds like this one doesn't - just like about 95-99% of all first serious relationships.
I'd break it up and give it some time before you see each other on a regular social level. A lot of people manage to later build friendships based on such a relationship, but that will take time and patience if it's supposed to work.

I'd definitely not call this a DTMFA, though - the guy isn't abusive, he's just regular late-teen immature, so no reason to blame him either. Just recognize he's not for you.

Some people have brought up the fact that Iceland is small (and an island...) which may make you feel more constrained in your choice. I'd imagine possible circles of friends in a city of 300.000 are a bit limited - but you seem very bright, you say you're a top student, and you're already international enough to turn to a US-based sex-columnist so: travel! Study a year abroad! Do an internship in a country South of the equator! Chances are you'll meet so many incredible people (and maybe even your future partner) that you'll forget your Ex.

P.S. (and I'm with Karla (30) on the sex )

I think they deserve each other. Besides, what do you call three Icelanders sitting in the front seat of a Cadillac going off a cliff? A shame, you could have fit four more in the back.

The whole freaking country declared bankruptcy.

My advice to TACII:

It's understandable why you feel drawn to go back to your ex. He was your first relationship, and your first love. He was the first person with whom you let down your emotional barriers and entered an intimate space. It feels safe to go back to him.

However, you are clearly not compatible. Let him go. I'm sure he does love you, but love alone is simply not enough. His actions show that he's not ready for the type of commitment and monogamy that you want.

I also question whether even *you* are ready for the the type of relationship you want. You mentioned that you are co-dependant. Considering this fact, and considering your young age, I don't think it's wise to rush into any commitment just yet. I strongly suggest trying some therapy to discuss your co-dependant issues with. (And if you find therapy doesn't work for you, at first please try a few different doctors. Different therapists have different styles, and you may need to "audition" a few until you find somebody you have a rapport with.) Before you make any strong romantic commitments, such as moving in together, you want to be able to feel that you have a good handle on your co-dependance. You may always have some co-dependant urges, the way an alcoholic may always have some urges to drink alcohol, but you need feel confident in your ability to resist them.

So, let your ex go. When you are ready, you will be able to open your heart to another person. You did it once, and you can do it again. For right now, I strongly encourage you to avoid *all* serious relationships, and focus on casual dating. But, even more than that, focus on youself, and your own satisfaction with life outside of a romantic relationship.

Also, and I know Dan tends not to agree with this, but DO NOT make ANY hook up decisions when you're drunk. You will most likely regret it. This might mean you never get drunk around your ex. This might mean you don't get drunk at bars or clubs at all. Or, if for some reason, getting drunk is an important social experience for you (and it seems to be for a lot of people), then designate a friend to watch out for you and stop you from making decisions you will regret.

if you just can't stay away then insist on an open relationship. spend the whole time pretending you have better things to be doing. keep pretending it until it's true.

Just keep it casual. Don't expect a serious commitment because neither of you is mature enough yet. Don't expect him to change and you won't be disappointed. And alcohol is clouding your thinking, so keep it to a minimum when you two are around each other.

Well, I wonder what the dating pool is like where she is. It's certainly easy to say "Don't see him for a year" or "make new friends" but if they live in a fairly small community, that's relatively impossible. And if they're having great sex with no strings attached, who's to say they should break up and forgo all contact?

No one's telling her to marry the guy. She should just enjoy the relationship for what it is and isn't, concentrate on her studies, enjoy her other friends, and not feel compelled to make any life-changing decisions at this stage of her young life.

TACII should realize that her boyfriend has never really left high school with the kind of shit he's playing and the ridiculous mind games .He can fuck your best friend and beg and cry for forgiveness but you can't even KISS other guys WHILE YOU TWO ARE NOT TOGETHER?! Because of some bullshit promise you two made to one another?

You're an adult, start demanding that you be treated like one - DTMFA.

Hook up with some new guys and keep him around for a booty call if it is expedient for you. This is essentially what you are getting out of the deal from him. Take some ownership of your life and do not let him dictate if or when it is okay for you to move on.

Oh and describing a guy as "artistic and intense" is a polite way of saying he is a prissy, domineering asshole.

Several folks above say DTMFA on the grounds that he's a cheater. But by my count, there's been hardly any cheating. He did sleep with her best friend, but only after they had broken up (the first time): "we weren't together". Sole actual cheating: him kissing the best friend in a bar while drunk.

My sole advice: for cheap long-distance phone calls: Skype.

Ég tala ekki íslensku, en hann er rugludallur. Halltu hökunni hátt.

Artistic and intense? Just chill out and enjoy your 20's, ten years from now you'll look back and have a good laugh about it.

Given that you're both still young there's no reason you should be looking for that life-time commitment right now. But this guy may well keep you in his life as a placeholder until he's ready to get married then marry someone else.
So have as much fun with him as you can, but don't expect to be the only person he has sex with, and don't make him your only partner either. If, when you're both some what more settled in your adult lives, you end up together that will be great. And if you don't you will have had a great relationship that may become a life-long friendship you both cherish.

Sounds like she's got a perfectly good fuck-buddy that she needs to set some clear emotional limits around. If they emotional limits can not be maintained, then it is time to cut off contact as much as possible.

I would say stay fuckbuddies and see other ppl. That way you can see if hanging out together stays fun, without all of the "this is the one" pressure. Also you are both really young and probably have a lot to learn about yourselves. Having a flexible relationship could give you the space to grow and try things. flexible honest relationships last.

"I wanted to move in together, him to commit, he couldn't do it, he wasn't ready blablabla. We really love each other. He says he's still in love with me, he was devestated when he found out that I was seeing other guys"

What do you really want? Do you still want to move in together and commit? If you keep going like this, off-and-on, being vague about what you're doing, it's not going to happen. Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free is probably what he's thinking. Also, I note that he became interested in you when you started seeing other guys. That is such classic boy behaviour. He treated you badly, you did the right thing by breaking up, other guys show interest in you, he shows interest in you again. *yawn*

If, on the other hand, you just really want great, intense sex, keep doing what you're doing. Like others said, have fun, but don't get too emotionally involved. Who knows, maybe you will end up long-term, like some of the commenters here, but don't HOPE for that, know what I mean?

But at this point, I think you need to work out your codependent and being a child of an alcoholic issues. If you're codependent, I don't know how you can NOT get emotionally involved with this guy, especially since you already are. I say make a commitment to yourself to get healthy, to work out those codependent issues, and learn how to have healthy relationships. Yes, you're young, you're 20 you should have fun blah blah, but you know what? It's better to work these issues out earlier than later. I'd rather see you deal with them now rather than in a few years after making some bad choices and getting screwed up from them and have THOSE to work out as well. I'm not saying you ARE going to make bad choices; I think there's a likelihood of not making very good choices given you're codependent and a child of alcoholics. I'd rather you head that off at the pass if you can.

I agree with Jade, Karla, and Pay. I disagree with girlinspain.

Just because he doesn't want you to see other guys doesn't mean he loves you. Just means that he's insecure, and on some level, wants you to want him. It's an ego boost, even if he's not genuinely happy when he has you.

Look, you've gone through this not once, not twice, but three times. How many times do you have to repeat this before you realize this just isn't working for you two? In a few years, maybe you'll have both grown up a bit, and it'll all work out, but, for now, you need to tell him to fuck off, and don't hesitate, see other guys and do other things with your life.

First loves are hard, and you retain a weak spot for that person for a very long time. Don't mistake this weakness for the fate. There will be better men, and you'll see this when you've separated from this guy enough that you can actually see them. :)

I think a lot of relationship problems come from deciding on the box you're trying to fill in your life ("husband", "primary", "fuckbuddy"), and then seeking a person to cram into it.That's backwards. People aren't box-shaped, and life is usually more flexible than interpersonal dynamics are. Meet the person, then see how they, specifically, fit into your life. Otherwise, you lose great people who may have been too awesome to fit into your preconception of the relationship.

Sounds like this guy doesn't wanna fit into the box you want him in. You accept where he does fit, or you let him go. If having some specific role in your life filled is really super crucial to your happiness, fine, but be clear about that.

Good luck.

I'm confused about how this dirty asshole licking bigot is in a position to give advice to anyone. Got any sex advice for the "tard" crowd, FAGGOT felcher? You're NO better than anyone who's ever bashed you with a gay slur. Never forget that.