Every week, we news interns comb through pages upon pages of Seattle Police reports, which mostly detail car prowls or typical—though saddening—incidents of theft, robbery, assault, and other city crime. Mostly people steal cash or electronics, but some weird stuff gets stolen, too. From the police reports:

Sometime between March 28 and March 30, a thief stole several plants, valued at $500, by shoveling them out of the ground in front of a downtown restaurant. On March 31 in the University District, a residential burglary resulted in a glass jar of coins being stolen as well as "a large piece of bread in the kitchen." After smashing the glass entry door of a pizza restaurant in Laurelhurst on March 31, suspects took two iPods and two cases of frozen chicken wings. In Ravenna on March 30, a woman discovered that someone had removed the rear passenger-side tire from her car and left it propped up on 3 bricks. The tire-jacker did not enter or otherwise disturb the inside of the car. In Lake City, someone took several back-lit green "exit" signs on multiple occasions from the same apartment building. A Columbia City women reported on March 30 that an unknown person took the front page of her Ethiopian passport. Also on March 30, a SODO man discovered his United States citizenship certificate stolen from the senior home where he lives. The day before, a man attempted to rob a man walking home from the Beacon Hill light-rail station. The robber grabbed at his messenger bag, but the victim had his dissertation in it and refused to let it go. The robber hit the victim in the face, but left without taking anything from the scholar.

In the Pike Place Market, a man was detained for allegedly shoplifting two bulky "Astonishing X-Men" hardcover books (retailing at $34.99 each) on March 30. Store employees suspicions were reportedly heightened because of an incident four days before in which a man had made an unsuccessful attempt to steal the same two books.

And the winner of the most senseless, shittiest theft of the week award is this: On March 3, someone stole a wheelchair from a single-leg amputee as he slept at a self-made camp next to a defunct motel. The amputee woke up in time to see the thief fleeing with the wheelchair.