With a masterful lesson in How to Write a Headline ("Man on drug rampage leaves stabbed lamb, maimed father, burnt farm and severed penis in his wake"), the U.K. tabloid Metro reports on the antics of Bulgarian rapscallion Angel Atanasov:

[Said police,] ‘He then stabbed a lamb to death before stripping off his remaining clothes and stealing an axe which he then ran off with completely naked.'

Lord knows, there's nothing more scandalous than a naked axe! Anyway, here's how some of the non—English-language press handled this headline. First up, the Dutch version from multilingual outlet HLN.be:

Gedrogeerde hakt penis stuk, keelt lam en steekt schuur in brand (onder andere)

Excellent work, HLN. He did indeed hakt that penis, and he certainly keelt that poor lam. Next up—

De man reed door een rood licht en ramde een bromfietser—

—that's enough now, HLN. Next up, Chile's La Cuarta:

Volao se cortó el niño, atropelló a sociate y quemó una granja

Oh, dear. With el niño all upset, your weather is bound to go haywire, Seattle! (Please note La Cuarta's fine taste in editorial photography.) Spain, for its part, calls a penis a penis and gives pride of (second) place to the injured father:

Se corta el pene, ataca a su padre y quema una granja bajo el efecto de las drogas

So, obviously, the Brits win the headline contest, but at what cost?

1. Metro's lede begins: "On a slow day in Bulgaria." What? (As is usual with Murdoch-owned newspapers, everything but the headline tends to let you down.)
2. Metro's caption identifies the man as a gypsy, which, uh, I'm guessing is just lazy racism. (See #1, above.)
3. The police don't identify what "drugs" Angel was on. (I tried to find out for you, readers, I really tried, but when I searched the Sofia Echo, the newspaper I always turn to for things Bulgarian, all I got was an article about how sad Bulgarians were to see The Scorpions leave.) Anyway: drugs. Spice Gold? Penis mushroom? Four Loko? Guesses???