On the evening of Sunday, December 5 at around eight o’clock, two men were booked into King County Jail for assault and criminal trespass after a rowdy night that began with sponge baths in soda fountains and ended with the men being tased by an off-duty vigilante and ultimately hauled to jail.
According to a police report, the two men entered a First Hill convenience store acting "visibly intoxicated and belligerent." What constitutes "visibly intoxicated and belligerent," you ask? The report states that upon entering the store, one of the men allegedly spat on the ground (probably not intending to bless it in the Greek manner), and then, in a bizarre nod to personal hygiene, allegedly proceeded to wash his hands in the store soda fountain.
Customers "patiently tolerated the suspects' behavior," according to the report, until patience ran out and one person asked the suspects to leave. This earned the man a "fuck off" from the suspects. Ah, but the suspects didn't know who they were dealing with—namely, an off-duty officer of some sort (specifics are redacted in the report) who happened to be packing a Taser.
Oh, but that's far from the end of the story.
After the suspects repeatedly told the officer to "fuck off," (which he didn't) the report states that the first suspect “began puffing up his chest and taking a fighting stance.” The officer again asked the suspects to leave. Both suspects refused. Then, the first suspect allegedly "lunged towards [the victim] who had already drawn his taser." That suspect got his ass tased to the ground.
At this point, the second suspect was grabbed and escorted out of the store by a witness. Then the report states that "after being incapacitated for a few moments, the [remaining] suspect was able to pull away from the Taser wires and stand up. The [suspect] immediately kicked a shopping cart towards [the victim]."
Here, the fight moves outside. The victim followed the suspects out of the store to keep track of them as police raced to the scene. One suspect found a chair and allegedly swung it at the victim. Another Taser attempt was “repelled” by one of the suspects, who then allegedly grabbed the victim and threw him "onto the hood of a vehicle.” The encounter apparently got wilder—at one point an onlooker steps in to pull one of the suspects off of the victim while the other suspect circles the men, “as though to get a cheap shot on [the victim]," according to the report.
With that, the report ends. The suspects were booked. Ta da! But if after reading this report you, like me, were left sad that the socially defined uses of objects are so RESTRICTING, the next time you get an impulse of imaginative intransigence (soda fountains, shopping carts, chairs), think: TASERS.