Sometimes reading through police reports is like reading through the outcomes of a heated tournament of Clue™, except instead of Mrs. Peacock with the candlestick in the conservatory, you get girl with stiletto (sharp and painful!) at China Harbor's all-ages nightclub (.pdf). Or, in the case of last Monday morning, a dude using a pair of scissors in an attempted grocery store holdup.

According to a police report, on Monday, January 10, at approximately 3:45 a.m., a man entered what is most likely the QFC on the 500 block of Mercer Street—with what appears to be a poorly thought-out effort to rob the place. His technique—just taking items off the shelves and putting them into a duffel bag in plain sight—left something to be desired in the way of stealth, and three employees immediately caught on.

When confronted, the suspect became "verbally abusive towards the employees," according to the police report, leading one employee to call 911. The suspect then reached into his back right pocket, in a manner that screamed—at least to the employees—that he was grabbing a concealed weapon. Indeed, he was armed. Only, instead of a gun, the suspect whipped out the pair of "red over grey scissors" and pointed the tip menacingly at his naysayers.

But the employees were not cowed. Working as a team, they tackled the suspect and restrained him on the floor in the magazine aisle until police arrived. Clearly, they had prepared for this moment.

When questioned by the police after the incident, the suspect admitted to his attempted robbery at scissors-point. Furthermore, the suspect said that the "reason he had threatened [the victims] with scissors and had attempted to steal the merchandise was because he had 'body lice.'"

Which, to be fair, can't be very much fun.