Comments

1
Send him a thank you card.

What, is this rocket science?
2
The quote, for those without bibles:

A Living Sacrifice
1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

I wonder what his feelings are on the constant re-translation and alteration of the bible over the past several thousand years. I wonder how God's will has been preserved through all of this...
3
Now you've done it, Eli. Looks like you're his new pet project.
4
tactfully, yet firmly. good manners are never out of fashion.
5
Send him a copy of YOUR favorite book.
6
What @1 said.
7
Send him a thank you note with some porn, so he can know what other's are enjoying.
8
Read it a few times (3 times, plus re-reading Revelations numerous times), it's not that great of a book. I suggest you regift it to him in a more usable form like a flask holder or something.
9
send him his football card and ask for an autograph of that instead? send him the koran? the book of scientology? the book of mormon? videotapes of bill maher and joseph campbell talking about mythology? a science book for kids? kant's critique of pure reason? a week's worth of your office trash?
10
His flock shelled out a total of, what, $5.80 for that?

That "make yourself a living sacrifice" quote, um, makes me wonder...
11
Send him a gay porn DVD, with the same note:

Now you can know what WE are talking about.

Done and done.
12
No, sorry Dr Hutch, but we still dont know what you are talking about. Because you've taken a 4000 year old text, written for a tribal people and re-interpreted it, badly. Because your re-interpretation is confusing. Because your reinterpretation is wrong.

But, #1 is right. A thank you card is appropriate.
13
Send a thank you note and read that book. I don't know your background, but an education into Christianity is never a bad thing. At the least, you'll better be able to slam so-called Christians that want to use their book out of context and as an excuse to hate. Anyway, it's a good book full of crazy shit, no harm will come from reading it. It's too bad so few people acknowledge that it's a book, and not a direct translation from god.

I always read the bible when I'm going to crazy Christians homes. It really helps me debunk their arguments. I especially recommend taking notes and memorizing passages...that'll stump most Christians, as I suspect that at least a small majority of Christians don't actually read the bible. LOL.
14
I like @5's suggestion. Something about whatever issue you think he most needs to read about, and inscribe it with the same condescending message.
15
I hear the pages are good as rolling papers.
16
i used to do shit like that when i was a christian. my advice would be to send a blandly worded thank-you card if you're in a kindly mood. otherwise just stick it on a shelf and move on with your day.
17
thank you note.

And I don't know, it's just a book. Put it on a shelf?
18
I'd start by removing his home address from this post.
19
"Help! Help!"
Eli, you fucking baby.

Just send him some "It Gets Better" toilet paper.
20
thank you note + a copy of a "lifechanging" book from your life.

...or a science book for kids :P
21
I'd say "just use it to continue the mutual publicity campaign you and he have going on", but I don't need to, so I'll just keep quiet. Starting now. No, now.
22
@18: Unless he lives at Antioch Bible Church, it's not his home address.
23
@1 and @11 Have covered your bases perfectly...the alpha and omega of etiquette.
24
It won't bite. Read it if you are curious. Or if you want to find out more about two major religions. Send a thank you note. He's graciously sending you a gift; why not graciously receive it?
25
Send him a copy of the Constitution with a thank-you note and the same inscription he put on the bible.
26
How about a copy of Darwin's "On The Origin Of Species"?
27
Return the favor with a copy of the Constitution. Those pocket-sized ones are handy for things like this, and are available from ACLUs and your congresspersons. No reason to swap books with opposing opinions that no one will read.. Ken is the only one against freedom of religion, etc.
28
@24,

Um... I think it is safe to assume that Eli has already read the Bible. (Or at least half of it.)
29
It will be worth $$$ when Hutch becomes president.
30
It is legal, under certain circumstances, to mail live bees. (USPS Mail Manual: http://pe.usps.com/text/pub52/pub52c5_00… )

Just food for thought.

(I'm kidding. #1 is right. Just like when your grandmother got you an awful sweater for Christmas. I just like sharing that mail manual link.)
31
@ 28, maybe the first five books?
32
I'm with @1: a simple polite thank you. Anything else would be rude.

Later, you could respond further with a carefully composed letter demonstrating thorough knowledge of scripture ripping his bullshit theology to shreds. Look to the stories of The Good Samaritan (Luke 10: 30-36) and The Centurion and his Fuckslave (Luke 7: 1-11; Matthew 8: 5-10).

If he honestly thinks only the ignorant reject his batshittery, he could benefit from being shown how weak it is scripturally.
33
I would recommend a polite thank you, and a suggestion that there are many names of God, and many ways to find truth, and a reminder that you have chosen a way to find truth that does not involve promoting slavery, or oppressing gay people, or explicit racism, or torture porn. Of course, that's assuming you don't believe in those things, but I'm just assuming...
34
I don't know what you should do with it, but suddenly my pursuit of a doctorate just doesn't mean as much as it did before I saw his signature.
35
I could send you instructions to make it into a stash box.
36
I meant that in all sincerity, by the way. Send him a copy of your favorite book.
37
Sending them a thank you card would be nice. I'd also suggest sending a copy of the origin of species.
38
@24 The bible of part of Muslim writings as well, it is just a subordinate book to the Koran and the Hadith. So by my count that is Judaism, Christianity, and Islam that all consider at least part of the Bible part of their official cache of holy books.

Also, thank him genuinely for a gift, this is not hard as #1 said. Feel free to send him a gift of "god is not great" if that sums up your view on religion.
39
I'm with @1, though some quality erotic lit would make a nice companion.

It looks like a fairly nice bible, all things considered. Is that cover real leather?

@2 from what Christians have told me, the translations are holy words brought by angels. Perhaps that only applies to the original King James version.
40
A thank you note with a copy of one of Dan's books with the same inscription.
41
You can send him a dog turd in a lovely heart shaped box! He's probably too ignorant to read, so it really would be the perfect gift.
42
How about a copy of The Jefferson Bible?

http://www.amazon.com/Jefferson-Bible-Th…
43
If you believe this to a be genuine gift, simply send a thank you note, as @1 and others have suggested. There's no need to be a prick, unless....

If you believe this to a be an antagonistic swipe at you and your values, go with the spirit of @11's suggestion.
44
Leave it in a flaming pile of shit at his doorstep. Ring doorbell. When he comes out to stomp on his precious bible, point and laugh. It's classic for a reason.
45
I'd suggest you ask him for the receipt since it just doesn't fit and you'd like to return it for something that you can actually use.

And remind him that he's not a fucking doctor.
46
a nice thank you note with a copy of the flying spaghetti monster's bible
47
A polite thank you card seems to be the consensus here or at least in the majority.

Looks like you've got a new BFF there Mr. Sanders.
48
eat it.
49
You can return the New Testament pages with a note saying, "This part is superfluous."
50
Fuck what they're talking about. You need to find out what Willis was talkin' bout.
51
@1 Word.
52
Turn it into a Christmas tree for your decorations next year! http://www.robeth.com/Craft/phonebookchr…
53
I don't see why you should do anything at all. If someone who knew my politics gave me a copy of Atlas Shrugged to read, should I thank them for it? I mean, I wouldn't be a dick about it, but a zillion page book full of stuff I consider nonsense is not the kind of gift I want to encourage in the future. Do you really think it's possible that Hutch believes you might sit down and read the Bible and become convinced?

Unless he's is a very, very naĂŻve man, this is at some level a bullshit gift - not given out of a real desire to please you or better your life, but to make a statement about how you should be living it under the guise of generosity. I don't see a reason to thank someone for that.

I'd chuck it in the trash and move on to my next thing, if it were me.
54
Send him a pink book. I've seen pink bibles if you are interested.
55
Thank you card and thats it, keep it classy
56
I'd go with the thank you note and a thoughtfully inscribed copy of "Anal Pleasure & Health: A Guide for Men and Women".
57
also makes you the bigger man with just a thank you note
58
Oh cool, a story book! I particularly like the one story about all the world's animals fitting inside a boat.
59
@1 and all the people that agree: You don't think, 'Now you can know what we are talking about!!!' is already rude.

He's implying that Eli is ignorant, and that ignorance is the basis for his disagreement with Hutch's Dogma. I don't think that warrants a thank-you note. I think it warrants a stern, but polite explanation as to why you shouldn't just assume everyone that disagrees with you is ignorant.
60
A thank you card on top of a copy of "The God Delusion", with a similar note written into the thank you card (because he probably won't even open the book).
61
I suggest you send him a thank you note and a lovely quote from Richard Dawkins(King of the Atheists).
62
Highlight the passages condemning homosexuality, along with the other ridiculous laws in the bible - outlawing shaving, outlawing the handicapped from going to church, outlawing eating shrimp or fat, allowing incest, encouraging polygamy, allowing slavery, etc. Take Polaroid photos and send them back with a note, "WTF are you talking about?"
63
Send him a thank you note with a copy of the Satanic Bible by Anton LeVay...oh and remember the books of spells.
64
Er this is pretty petty even by Stranger standards.

I hope that is a business address on his return label... that is really rude to post that specific of personal information even if "he started it".
65
Well, these are classy responses. If you want to go classy, you have enough ideas.

Rather take the low road? Let's talk.

Ask around/google all the really horrible passages from the bible. Highlight them. You can color code it so....like.....yellow is for when God kills children to punish their parents, pink is for when women are treated like chattel....the discretion is yours, really.

On the inscription, scratch out the word "we" and correct it to read "you".

Then return it.
66
Canuck, you're right about @1 and @11 making a perfect combination. Good eye, you.
67
The obvious response is a handsomely bound collection of Ton of Finland sketches.
68
NEW IDEA!

Strangercrombie 2011!!! This could totally be an item!
69
I agree with the thank you card. If you are interested in engaging in conversation, send a copy of your favorite religious/philosophical book along with a brief explanation of why it's a favorite. If I'd gotten something like that, I'd reply with this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Chosen-Faith-Intro…

70
@ 53, anyone who's a dick about a present like you doesn't deserve gifts.

No one says you have to read the damn thing. Just say "thanks" and be done with it.

@ 59, of course, but so what? Anyone who responds to dickishness with dickishness is a dick.

Nothing deflates dickishness like courtesy.
71
Hollow it out and hide a gun in there. Isn't that what people do?
72
You should send him the Lord of the Rings box set.

Taken literally it's some unbelievable crazy shit. Taken as a story it has some good lessons on responsibility, doing the right thing, etc.
73
@70 "Anyone who responds to dickishness with dickishness is a dick."

You'd know, wouldn't you? Mattie boy.

74
Totally Strangercrombie.
75
Go to the Antioch parking lot on a Sunday morning, hold a "trial" with someone "defending" all the heinous parts of the book (start early, or you'll be there till after dark), condemn the book to death, and burn it. If you time it right, the match will be struck as the churchgoers exit.
76
Return it.
77
yeah i think he's a dick, especially with the 'now you can know.. 'part. but if you want to actually express gratitude for his gift, send him a jar of honey. he probably won't eat it just like you won't read his book.
78
Order him all the volumes of the Talmud, payment on delivery.
79
My ex-mom gave me a leather-bound bible once, and it comes in handy for reference as to what a crazy collection of books it actually is. I recommend a book called "Kens Guide to the Bible" to help you sort out the madness.
80
@ 73, I'm glad you weren't at the meet up. It's a courtesy you can pay me over and over...
81
Email him with a bunch of the weird/creepy/evil parts. The scriptures that talk about the rules of owning slaves, about Lot offering his daughters to be raped by an angry mob, the killing of whole towns (including children) in order to get wives, etc.
82
@70 I just don't get why it's dickish to defend yourself when your intelligence is insulted. Especially considering this guy tries to wield power against the rights of his fellow Americans.

It's bigoted to assume that a Jew is a Jew because he's ignorant of the Christian Bible.
83
Ugh. Goyim.
84
If for some reason you don't want to Strangercrombie it, here's what you can do. Tear out the dedication page and leave it in a church so the trees won't have died in vain. They'll know what to do with it. Blog about doing that, or don't, then move on without further comment. Don't read it or else Pastor Hutch wins. As someone who read the Bible all the way through as a misguided child, I'm here to say it's a batshit insane grab bag of stories and folksy wisdom. Life is too short.
85
@70 "Nothing deflates dickishness like courtesy."

Yeah, that's worked SO well for democrats/left-leaning historically against republicans/right-wing...

I'd say get a collection of fairy tales and send it inscribed "Now you can know what you are talking about!"

Not that I'd ACTUALLY do that, but that's what I'd want to do. And I would support someone actually doing it, under these circumstances. This kind of arrogance is NOT dissolved with courtesy @70.
86
@ 82, are you sure Hutch meant to insult Eli? People who are serious about this stuff really do think the rest of us are just wandering in the wilderness, waiting for someone to lead us out. He might be sincere.

But let's suppose for a second that he isn't, and that he is intentionally being insulting. (Accidentally or thoughtlessly being insulting isn't the same thing.) What would it bring Eli to react in kind? A bit of rah rah support from regular Stranger and Slog readers, and a lot of negative publicity should it blow up in his face, the way spats between public figures do.

Following etiquette is never a bad choice, and in this case, unless someone can show for sure that Hutch is purposely being a jerk who really has zero regard for Eli, it's the best choice here.
87
I think it was sincere. As Matt pointed out, many Christians, particularly evangelicals, regard their faith as a miraculous and ecstatic truth to be shared. They sincerely believe that the most of men are wandering "within a forest dark." I say repay in kind: share a book with the Hutch that means something to you. I'd be inclined to send The Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, or The Hero with a Thousand Faces, or perhaps The Road to Wigan Pier if you want to take the political tack.
88
Dildo!Dildo!Dildo!Dildo!Dildo!Dildo!Dildo!Dildo!Dildo!Dildo!Dildo!Dildo!Dildo!Dildo!Dildo!Dildo!Dildo!Dildo!Dildo!Dildo!
89
He picked out a baby blue one? That's pretty gay.
90
Just print out this comment stream, and send it along, with a nice thank you note, of course.
91
Bullshit.

This isn't a sincere thoughtful gift from Hutch (however ill thought out). Hutch has been one of the most active and vocal opponents of any sort of gay rights for many years. He preaches exactly the kind of hatred that causes gay kids to kill themselves, and advocates to deny rights to those of us unwilling to kill ourselves. He knows Eli's background. He knows full well that there is exactly zero chance of converting Eli. At best this can be considered a stunt to impress his followers.

This absolutely does NOT deserve a polite thank you card. No way. He'd just wave it in front of his flock and claim victory.

Probably the least dickish thing to do would be to put it up on Strangercrombie. Then at least it gets regifted to someone who wants it (for whatever perverse reason), and it would raise a few bucks for a decent cause.

I will be sorely disappointed if you send this asswipe a polite card. He does not deserve that kind of respect.
92
Meh, I'd just read it if you're interested, then chuck it in your desk at work. It's a free reference book if nothing else.
93
Just say thanks.
94
As has been no doubt said already: Eli, you should do the same thing you should any time you receive a misguided but well-intentioned gift. Send a thank-you note. Maybe even a misguided but well-intentioned gift of your own, perhaps some piece of secular literature that has a lot of meaning for you.
95
It's not a gift. It's a political message like a decapitated horse head under the sheets. If you value your sanity, you will discard it and find someone reasonable to have a dialogue with. If you want to go down the rabbit hole, read it and try to debate reality with the delusional. Trying to find common ground with the ultra religious is a fool's errand.
96
There's nothing wrong with having a Bible or two on your shelf. I actually have several (KJV, LXX, Tanakh, Greek New Testament, etc.) It's right next to my copies of the Iliad and Odyssey (which occupied a similar position in antiquity to what the Bible does now). What do they all have in common? They're all texts important for understanding Western civilization.

My co-Denverite, Matt has the right idea. When someone gives you a gift, even a gift you don't particularly care for, the appropriate response is "Thank you very much."

@91 How could anyone, even with the sickest, most twisted mind imaginable, interpret a thank-you note as a victory? I'd welcome it if he tried to pull such a thing: there might even be someone in the congregation who thinks to him- or herself "You know, Hutch tried to be kind of a dick about this, but that Eli fellow seems rather nice."
97
Send a thank you note with a photo of you warming your hands over a trash can fire. The note should say "Thanks for your warm gift".
98
What else did you expect from engaging with an evangelical fundamentalist? Send a well-written thank you note that also makes it clear you're not his conversion project. He is trying to be nice and failing rather badly - the man lives in a bubble.
99
Offer to fuck Patricia while Faith (Faith A. Hutcherson, 22 DEC 1988) and Avery (Avery M. Hutcherson, 04 MAY 1990) watch. Happy birthday, Avery!
100
I'd send a thank-you note, and then do some surgery on it with some Elmer's glue and a craft knife so you can turn it into a seeekrit box to keep a butt plug in. Think of the frisson every time you use it!

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