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1101 East Pike St. Suite 300, Seattle, WA 98122
1101 East Pike St. Suite 300, Seattle, WA 98122
That really has next to nothing to do with the situation here, though - I'm just drunk.
Regardless, cut your guy some slack and trust him. Sure, it may turn out badly. So fucking what if it does? But he may surprise you, and then, hoo boy, you've got a keeper.
Geez, I was in my first relationship when I was their age, and my boyfriend and I were separated a couple of times for periods longer than 6 weeks and it didn't even occur to me to cheat. Not because I was a saint, but because I was really into my boyfriend, and because when we were apart, I had, like, other stuff to do.
Cheers to your point.
Good grief.
1) Break up now
2) Break up sometime around your 40th birthday
I'd recommend option 1.
Monogamy is not for everyone, nor is it required, but in a relationship you make sacrifices and if ones of those is not sleeping with other people you do it, and if you can't you do the right thing and break it off in favor of a relationship where that is not expected. The issue is not really the monogamy per se but the willingness to put someone else's wants above yours and to follow through on what you promise.
Personally I have never had a problem with it and don't see what the big deal is, but I am not everyone.
So either she trusts him and he is trustworthy or she doesn't and really at that point its over for that reason.
That said, there's an angle that I think monogamish Dan is missing: when you get cheated on, you feel like a fucking fool for striving to remain faithful while your partner was off gallivanting around. So breaking up with him before he cheats on you is preferable to breaking up with him after he cheats on you. You might be able to have some fun that summer as well; if nothing else, you won't feel like a chump for staying true to a cheater.
Your boyfriend doesn't need to go to Europe to cheat. If he's interested in cheating, he could do that any time you go away for a weekend with your sister/parents/sorority friends/dog. If he's interested in cheating, he probably already has.
On the other hand, if he's into monogamy, he can keep it in his pants for a lousy month and a half while he tours Europe.
I suppose Europe might up the odds of cheating a percent or two, but I think you're blowing this way out of proportion.
Ultimately, is non-monogamy a realistic option for the two of you? in the long term?
And I agree with @22... I'm a boy, I've been able to keep my pants securely attached to my body for months at a time, even in the face of drunken temptation. It's possible for him too.
I guess the question is: Is poly-amory a realistic possibility for the two of you? And if not, then trusting him to do what he says and dealing with the facts afterwards is the way to go.
I wish you both luck and love!!
I mean, if you want to break up with him, just do that. Don't dress it up with "you're obviously going to cheat, so I'm going to prepare for that eventuality." Don't make some dumbass excuse (which also, by the way, puts more of the onus on him, and he doesn't even DESERVE IT) when you really just want to dump him, for your own reasons. Otherwise, this whole situation makes no sense. Also, calling him a "boy" and "the kid," the way you say it just seems disrespectful and untrusting. He seems to be acting like an adult- as well as a good boyfriend, to boot. Like 20 said, take "yes" for an answer.
It sounds to me that you WANT heartbreak and loss to wallow in, most likely because you've had your poor little Gen Why brain poisoned by too much television.
Either that or you're looking to dump your bohunk and want some sort of fucked-up excuse to relieve yourself of responsibility.
Whatever the case really is, get real.
Or, you know, not.
Have you considered asking him to wear some sort of wireless helmet cam so you can keep an eye on things from afar?
While I give her points for matching "boy" and "girl" and living up to her own description, it's rather strange. My first thought was that she just doesn't want to undergo six weeks of deprivation herself, but that could be solved by giving him permission to do as he pleases in advance (unless, of course, he's one of those who not only overplays his own fidelity but expects and demands the same in return). Could she really be that determined to be "the nice girl" that she'd get people to push her into breaking up (a bit extreme) "for his own good" and then go on to find "consolation" elsewhere? It seems a bit extreme.
In keeping with the LW's own style, I am going to interpret the trip as some sort of knightly quest. Her boyfriend is going to Europe not only in the pursuit of art or beer but also to test or to prove his capacity for fidelity, which, we all note, she does not rate as being that high, although she does not seem to think it that high for anyone his age. Then again, if he can go to Europe for six weeks without any infidelitous drunken night in Berlin, he'll really have made quite a point. I half wonder if she might be more worried about what it means if he doesn't stray than by what it means if he does.
I'm not sure if ALG is incredibly insecure or just has a very long opinion of men, but she needs to reexamine things in a more reasonable light. Or, if she really has a guy who can't go without for six weeks (!), she should consider dumping him or learning to deal with it.
I think @26 has the best take on it though.
If you want some kind of assurance, just have him Skype once a day, and try and keep in touch sexually (phone sex, cybersex, webcam sex). Six weeks is a long time, but it's never been easier to maintain a relationship at a distance.
This is the "experimental" time of your life when you should take a break, and try "new things". Say, oh, I don't know, a middle aged man somewhere in Kent.
While he's out there boffing the Sorbonne don't sit at home moping...drive out to the suburbs and enjoy some mall rating with an oldster.
Great diary material...
Non-monogamy isn't for everyone just as much as monogamy isn't for everyone. Dan is pretty clear on this, many of his readers apparently aren't.
And just to repeat: of course 22 year olds - of either gender - can be faithful - and are all the time. I went to Latin America for three months at that age and, cheating didn't occur to me. Oh - and you overestimate the attraction that American boys exert on girls in Europe...
Unless boyfriend is mindblowingly attractive AND/OR simply can't (correction: chooses not, as many folks above have mentioned, guys who want to be faithful can - shocker - be faithful) to keep it in the pants, you're way overestimating/glamorizing Americans' chances of getting laid in Europe.
Unless you just can't believe anyone anywhere can stay celibate for 6 weeks. And then I'd say you have other things you should be re-thinking.
Either she is okay with him fucking around or she isn't. If she's willing to break up with him in order to let him fuck to his heart's content all summer, and then happily get back together when he gets home, she should be just as content to forgive him in advance, send him off, and take up where they left off when he gets home, no questions asked.
I can only think of two even slightly rational reasons for doing it her way:
a) She has friends at home that she wants to avoid looking like a female cuckold in front of while he's away, and is breaking up preemptively to forestall lectures from them;
b) She has some guy(s) at home she'd like to try out while he's gone all summer, but feels too guilty herself to go there, unless she puts the stamp of approval on it by officially severing ties first. (This is a common cultural opinion: that you should have the decency to end it with one person before starting with another. That works reasonably well only so long as you aren't planning to go back to that person after you are done dallying. If you are planning to go back, then what the hell's the difference?)
My wife and I have been doing this for years now. For the last 7, I have been completely monogamous with her. Before that, I wasn't. (She wasn't either. It was agreed.)
It's not impossible, or even especially hard, to not get laid in Europe for six weeks.
It's also not a requirement of being in a relationship that you have to avoid getting laid while apart. All you have to do is talk.
Am I the only one who suspects that she's got other reasons for wanting a breakup? Dramaqueening, or wanting to get some of her own on a romantic summer? Or testing him, to see if he'll come back if she lets him go? or...something.
@38: http://img37.imageshack.us/img37/5766/66…
If I went on a two month long tour of Europe I would have a better chance of getting hit by a meteor than hooking up with a hot French/Polish/Hungarian/Czech/Liechtensteinian chick.
You sound down on self confidence. Can I recommend seeing a professional?
(I don't know if your self-confidence would improve, but I'm sure you could get well laid for a modest investment in the right kind of professional.)
Doc
From the letter I am getting a little vibe that maybe you also want to screw around while he is away and are using this as an excuse to have a break? You can offer to open it up for 6 weeks, but if he says no, which from the sound of him he probably would (as would I if given that option), then either you can break up with him, or trust him.
Otherwise, get a grip lady.
The letter writer is concerned whether her boyfriend will enter Europe already on third base (from their relationship), and take credit for a triple. If he does, she can simply choose to do for a better guy what she did for him.
BREAK UP. Be nice about it, but break up.
I see this so much in my job (lots of travel involved). One partner will go on a longish trip, and the other partner will get so bent around the axle about the other one cheating that s/he will have a pre-emptive affair, only to find out xxxx weeks later that no, the first person really was faithful the entire time, and oops, well, crap.
In one case, the wife of a man in the army got tired of sitting alone at home, went to basic training herself, and came home to find another woman living in her house. In another, one partner went on a scientific expedition to Antarctica, came home, and found the other partner not only had an affair, but the other woman was pregnant. In both cases, the ones who went away kept their trousers on, and were happy to do so. And then they got home......
So, if you just cannot fathom him going to Europe and keeping his pant on and his hands to himself, BREAK UP.
Unlike transit obsessives, she should be happy he has a penis and can use it.
That said, I recommend a DADT approach anyway. I mean, who cares? As long as he doesn't bring any bacterial or viral friends back with him through customs.
The most obvious is, of course, a far lower risk of contracting STDs and STIs (condoms don't protect against all of these, and aren't 100% effective against those that they do protect against... Even assuming that most people use condoms, and many still don't).
I have an autoimmune disorder. People who are immuno-compromised, such as those with HIV, AIDS, lupus, or other diseases, have a far higher risk of getting an infection, even a second-hand infection from a less than faithful partner. They run the risk of developing related complications, which can be serious. Keep in mind that it's pretty common for someone to contract an STD/STI without even knowing it, because they don't show any symptoms. But they're still contagious, and can still spread it to their partners.
If my partner were to cheat on me, contract something, and transmit it to me, it's not just an inconvenience- even a bacterial infection could send me into the hospital for weeks. This is the main reason why I choose to be monogamous, and ask that my partners be monogamous as well (or find someone else). For some people, this IS a big deal, and a practical decision, not just some insecure/religious/backwards/silly thing.
Sure, this girl sounds like she may have her own reasons for wanting to break up with her boyfriend- plus, she has so little faith in him that they probably shouldn't be together anyway. But it shouldn't be assumed that cheating is not a big deal, and that monogamous people should just deal with it when their partners cheat. There are real, serious reasons for wanting an exclusive relationship.
Cheating may not be "a big deal" for many people these days, but it's not all about them. It's about the health and well-being of their partner(s), and no one has the right to decide for someone else what risks they should take with their health.
Let's hear it for hardworking UK slags!
As others have said, take yes for an answer. He doesn't want to slut his way around Europe, he wants to have a fun trip and then come back to slut it up with you. Welcome that, don't second-guess it because you think you know how weak, horny, and helpless men are!
Her heart would be far less broken in the first case, if at all. It's not the same.
She needs to just say that she isn't cool with him promising monogamy over the break -- either they take a temporary 6 week break from their monogamy, or she tells him that he doesn't want her to promise him that because it would be too painful if he broke the promise. If she's willing to stay monogamous, she can just tell him she won't have sex with anyone else, but he's not allowed to promise he won't, for her own peace of mind.
Also, I spent two nine week vacations in Europe. At 20! and and 27! and the only time I got laid doing that was in Amesterdam. Similarly, I would meet tons of people and travel for short times with them during that time. The only one I can remember having any sexual contact with other travelers was one particularly slutty girl.
Sex for straight guys on European vacation means either a lot of club hopping rather than sight seeing, staying in one place longer than most people do, or either a great game or great luck.
I'm just devastated really
In over 20 years, I have never so much as kissed another woman, because I love my mate, and would hate to cause her pain.
But...if she had ever broken up with me for the reason you are considering, I would have never let her back in my life. She would be too weak and untrusting to merit my devotion.
Your paranoia may drive a good man away. If that happens, blame yourself, not his supposed lusty nature.
Fool.