I remember a time when it was women who wrote into sex advice columns w/ the complaint that they could only get off when masturbating. And woe betide anyone who suggested that she _stop_ masturbating!*

My, my, how times have changed.

(yes, yes, I know, Mr. Ryan isn't advocating a total cease-and-desist, but you get where I'm coming from.)

I had this exact same "problem" in high school. Enjoy this for the heaven it is and stop worrying the slightest about it. It will change with time, even sometimes when you wish it wouldn't. :P

Stop!

When is Dan coming back?

What @5 said.

Oh, and AEC is gay.

"uh, hi. I have a problem. See, I'm 5' 9" and weigh 150 pounds and have sculpted abs. I just feel so self-conscious, because everyone loves my abs. I show them off four or five times a day, because people want to see them so bad. How can I get rid of my perfectly awesome abs? Ive tried eating more but it doesn't work. Oh woe is me. What do you think of my abs...I mean problem?"

Yeah, this letter is either pure bullshit or the work of a tremendous attention whore. If this guy were truly concerned, he'd be questioning his own sexuality instead of spending so much time talking about how satisfied his girlfriend is, how pleasantly surprised he is by his own performance, etc. etc.

Buy a box of non-latex exam gloves at the drugstore (or the auto-parts store, or wherever). Have her put one on and pet your back door with a little lube while you're bashing away at her front door, and see what you think. (The glove is not really necessary, but using it helps keep your minds on pleasure and not where her hand is.)

This is, of course, the greasy road to unbridled faggotry seeing as your preferred gender of partners is a total free choice 'n' all, but I'd be doing my ilk a disservice if I didn't get in the recruiting plug.

I had this exact same problem with my first lover. In my case, we put our heads together and realized that I had basically had been having solo sex for a number of years and was a little anxious about coming inside/in-the-same-room as someone else. For my whole life, my sex life had basically been hidden. I'd been quiet at night, and always ejaculated into a kleenex and flushed it down the toilet. So basically, I was a little timid showing anyone my sexual side and especially my cum.

My recommendation: First, you have to know that she wants you to spray her insides with *your* cum. Honestly, truly.

Second, stop masturbating cold turkey. Even if you have sex with her and you don't ejaculate, don't masturbate afterward. Your body will hate you, but your cock will want to blow so hard it'll be that much easier next time. After a while, when having sex, you'll feel an orgasm closer and closer and instead of your shameful brain pushing it away, your now-very-aware brain will say, "it's okay, let it all go"...

These two things worked for me. Good luck.

I'm with @8... Doesn't Dan have a bullshit-detector rule along the lines of: If it's from a young hot person and they're complaining about too much sex, it's probably a fake.

hit it from the back - that what always works for me!

@13, Agreed, this sounds real. If the guy's trying to brag, including the detail about losing his virginity at 22 seems like a strange way to do it.

Also, as a woman, I wouldn't consider a man's inability to come as "heavenly", like some people are suggesting. Man or woman, it feels good being able to make someone come. Struggling to achieve that would get discouraging after a while, though I think it's great this guy's girlfriend is being patient and understanding.

I wouldn't worry about it, AEC. All in good time.

What's the problem exactly?

@13 - hey thanks, and remind me, which books and advice columns have you written?

My opinion is my opinion, and the impression this letter left on me was that the letter writer is happy about the situation he described, so it's either a fantasy or bragging. It might also be that when i read his words carefully, there's a bizarre mix of hyperbole and equivocation that make the whole thing sound imaginary: "quite good" "absurd endurance" "typically fucking" "always quite satisfied" "a little unsatisfied" "actually blindsided" "somewhat worried" "rather new" "practice regularly, OF COURSE"

Poor Bambi...

Take @10's advice and you'll be fine.

Oh, and have fun!

I'm with @14. I also lol'd at "pearly gates". I bet st. peter is spinning on his... ARGH!

Another vote for quitting cold turkey. Sounds like this dude might jerk it a couple times a day. Rookie mistake.

OR she's faking it. A "musical number" usually helps hurry the production along. Sounds like she does encores.

I can't believe people are questioning whether the inability to cum with your lady is a real problem. Really? You'd be happy to never cum from fucking or a blowjob for the rest of your life? Cause that would certainly be a problem if I was in that situation.

Christopher: Decent advice! I appreciate your handling of the Savage Love Desk, it's fun reading! The self-effacement is appreciated, but don't knock on yourself so much! And thanks for Sex At Dawn.. as an (B.A.) anthropologist myself, it's been a fun read.

Anyway, to AEC's issues:
I've switched hands multiple times over the years, and even managed to make myself orgasm by rubbing only the top of the shaft, and once by shaft-only stimulation (no head contact at all). Definitely, definitely practice multiple ways. Be creative! Mix it up.. practice with a Fleshlight by yourself perhaps. Also: try some denial. Don't come for a few weeks to a month, and then see what sex with your girlfriend is like!

(if you two are a bit kinky, you can make the denial a game between the two of you, which can really heighten everything!)

I'll share this also: I've had a partner where something about our (I believe) genital difference limited my ability to come. In four years we had only one mutual orgasm, and while there may have been a psychological aspect to this, I often felt that I didn't quite get the stimulation my particular penis needed/wanted. With my current (and life!) partner, the sex is fucking amazing, we come together very often, which has surprised both of us. Again, there may be a subconscious / psychological aspect to all of this orgasming, but there may be a physical compatibility issue as well.

But its equally as likely a psychological issue. Persnickety @10 has some good advice. It's worth looking as your cultural/family background to determine if there are some sexual inhibitions/fears messing with yer sex play (although given how you describe your play now, perhaps that's not the issue), and if not that then it's a matter of retraining your cock.. which is totally possible, especially at your age.

IMPORTANT! Starting while you are 22.. start doing this exercise: when you pee (especially if you have a full bladder), stop the pee stream repeatedly. Full stop. Then start again. Then full stop... repeat. Do this often as reasonably possible. Whenever you remember to do it. This will exercise the "male kegel" muscle and assist in (a) preventing prostate problems, and (b) creating potentially mind-blowing orgasms, (c) enhancing your ability to multiple orgasm, and (d) preventing incontinence in later life. I've been doing this for nearly 20 years and I can confirm it has positive benefits.

Good luck to you!

This guy has delayed/retarded ejaculation. It can be a psychological or health problem but in this kid's case I am sure it because he's fucking his hand too much. His cock is too used to the old reliable method. Lay of jacking it for a couple three weeks or so. Should be fine after that.

I concur with @14. His orgasm is representative of physical abandon and his satisfaction, without it I'm not fully satisfied. Also, as a woman, the energizer fucker is annoying after a while. It's pretty easy to phase from oh god yes to are you about done there to get the fuck off of me already--2 hours plus becomes painful.

Hey AEC,

Stuck between performance anxiety and the awesomeness of fucking forever, hey? Alas, it may not be so awesome for your partner, so added incentive for the both of you: Cut the death grip. Try laying back, half asleep in the morning and gently tease your morning wood (you or your SO). GENTLY. Better still if she's willing, while you're still drowsy and relaxed, let her hop on and take charge so that you can let go and drift. If she can incorporate her morning (kegel) exercises, w/o bruising you, more to the good. The point is to be relaxed enough to let instinct take over, not "the mad fucking machine", and to take advantage of that extra togetherness you get in the morning. Second: Forget trying to look good, and let whatever sounds your body needs to make happen. Lose the high level thinking, and go with your body's flow. In my case, immersing my face into my partner's pussy to engage my senses of taste and smell helps as well.

Lose the death grip!

Peace.

Yeah, I sort of suspect the girlfriend is faking it too. People will probably freak at this question, but do multiple orgasms for women really exist? My bf did research and said that if it's 'multiple' it's usually all in a row, not like one every 30 minutes for a delightful 2 hours of fucking (which, yeah, agreed that's too long.

poor Domina, poor Domina's boyfriend... or maybe it's good, if he's a premi... oh wait, off topic -
but I like it

Domina, your boyfriend apparently confirmed that women can have multiple orgasms. But what do you mean by "all in a row"? Multiple convulsions wrapped in one orgasm? Regular orgasms spaced five minutes apart? Increasingly intense, but separate orgasms spaced a minute apart?

I'm sure all of those exist, but that the five-minute spacing is probably the most common. My wife, for example, needs a refractory period of a couple minutes to come again. She is too sensitive immediately after the first orgasm to get right into another one (much like the head of a man's penis is hyper-sensitive after ejaculation)...but I'm sure there are women out there who need very short pauses in intense stimulation.

Clarify, or I'll have to second snoopy @28

Domina, what research did your BF do? I'm not trying to be bitchy, I'm genuinely curious as to his sample, research methods, etc.

I have multiples more often than not, but not all in a row.

OK, seriously, put some effort into this. I had a boyfriend who had the exact same thing. I came, he came, we were both "satisfied", but god damn the first time I had sex with a guy who could come by all methods after the masturbation-only guy, it was pretty much the sexiest thing I had ever seen. Yeah, your girlfriend is satisfied in that she is having orgasms, but just like most straight men want to make their lady friends come, so do most straight women want to make their man friends come. It's satisfying. And hot.

This comment isn't meant to stress you out, and if it isn't to be, it isn't to be, and it's OK if you're someone who can only come by his own touch. But you're probably not, and it's really something worth putting effort into. I knew this was the problem with that ex-boyfriend (Jesus, you should see the crazy wrist/forearm death swirl he came up with when he was 11), suggested all of the things Dan suggests for this problem, but he was too lazy to ever lay off for a couple of weeks to see if he could get used to something else. I only hope his current girlfriend was able to talk him into a masturbatory hiatus.

Wow, #8, you are totally off-base (probably). I have a similar "problem" and while a ninety minute fuck session is great the first time you bed someone, it's not so great around time number twenty or so. The first next morning, without fail every girl happily tells me how 'sore' she is; but no one wants to be tired and sore every morning. A lot of girls also get very insecure because they're "not able" to get a guy off and of course EVERY guy can get off in like 20 seconds if they want [that's what they believe]

Also I love that Christopher Ryan thinks guys start masturbating when they're between 14 and 16 years old.

Great advice and good suggestions in the comments. I had the same problem as a woman and putting away the vibrator was one (of many things) that helped me finally cum.

@33 That made me laugh too :) 11 yo for me.

11 for me (girl) too :)

Yeah, I couldn't come the first time I had sex either. I don't know why anyone would think this is fake. It's pretty common when you're new at sex.

Anyway, the best cure is to go without masturbating for a week or two. You have to retrain yourself, and the longer it's been since you've come, the easier it is to come, and the easier it is to retrain yourself. If you don't let yourself come any other way, it'll force you to learn from this new way.

@33, 34, 36: You guys remember starting to masturbate? I know I was masturbating at 8 but I don't remember starting. It's always seemed like I've always been doing it.

I wonder,

Is it really possible for any woman having an intact hymen to have a good time when it's being torn?

There's a great SciFi series written by Lois McMasters Bujold (Vorkosigan Saga), and in one of the books when a young woman is ready to be available, sexually, she makes an appointment to see a doctor to have her hymen cut (painlessly) and get a contraceptive implant. This world also uses a system of earrings, worn by all sexually active natives, to tell of their preferences. Of course, on this planet they also have genetically engineered a stable hermaphrodite gender...

Peace.

@37 I felt great guilt about it, so it's a very vivid time for me.