@99: My second paragraph conflated you, erroneously, with the angry unregistered commenter above.

@69 and @75

Come is the correct spelling, and cum is the spelling used by idiot cheap porn writers and people who can't spell. I assume it's supposed to make the word seem dirtier or sexier, but it just makes the person spelling it like that come across as stupid and/or sleazy.

You are so wrong about this Dan. And I say that with a sad face because you are usually right. He swallows her cum and juices whenever he gives her head, unless he uses Saran Wrap. So why shouldn't she return the favor. She said that they have great sex, so I assume that he's giving her head. This is about fairness and love, not control. Does she love him less than her ex?? That's the big question.

@104: Well, yes, exactly, the wording _is_ ambiguous. Unfortunately that seems to be the fulcrum upon which the argument turns and on which pressure is applied. It would be to Letter Writer's advantage to be able to say to her boyfriend, "Yes, I swallowed exactly four times, and that was three times more than enough to determine beyond a shadow of a doubt that it makes me feel like throwing up. Now stop bugging me about this." Instead the vague wording makes it possible to think that maybe it was a regular thing with the previous guy, which invites speculation and paranoia (juvenile and douchebaggy though it may be) about why he, the current boyfriend, doesn't rate the same treatment.

Whether it was a regular thing or not, she needs to tell him (assuming she doesn't just DTMFA, like everyone is urging), "Look, it isn't about you, and it isn't about the ex. It's about me. I've developed an aversion to swallowing. It makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. It's that simple. If you force the issue, I swear I will throw up -- right in your face, so you get absolutely clear on just how disgusting it is to me -- and you won't be given the chance to clean yourself off before I kick you out for good. Now, are you going to drop this or not?"

@105: Does it occur to you that she might taste better than he does? In my experiences of eating pussy, vaginal juice has a pretty weak taste- the taste varies quite a lot from girl to girl and depends on where she is in her cycle, but unless she doesn't wash much, it's usually a fairly weak taste since most of vaginal juice is just water. Come, on the other hand, usually has a strong taste. It happens to be a taste that I like most of the time (UNLESS a guy has eaten sourdough bread, don't ask me why that's the case), but it's still a much, much stronger taste. I think pre-cum and vaginal juice have a lot more in common than vaginal juice and come. I think the easiest way to put this is while I expect men to be okay with swallowing vaginal juices, I don't expect them to be okay with swallowing period vaginal juices, which is why I think men are totally excused from oral during her period. If he wants red wings, that's fine, and if a girl wants to drink come, that's fun, but let's equate strong taste with strong taste.

@107

Maybe its just my opinion and/or experience, but I have the opposite feeling about come and vaginal juice. Vaginal juice has a sourness to it whereas come (well, I have only tasted my own) is kind of bland, though can occasionally have an ammonia smell, but that's rare in my experience. Now texture is a complete other story.

@103 Come and cum are both considered slang, so there really isn't a "correct" spelling. The correct spelling is semen or ejaculate.

@106

"Look, it isn't about you, and it isn't about the ex. It's about me. I've developed an aversion to swallowing. It makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. It's that simple."

She never indicates the aversion is that severe, it could be, but it might not. If that is the case, she shouldn't and definitely make it clear.

Though for all we know, it could be tolerable to her, but just not enjoyable which is my conclusion IF she did do it for the duration of the relationship.

@94 I understand it's "oral comes standard" I just thought "oral standard" had a nice ring to it. But you didn't actually get to answering my actual question: does coming in her mouth count as part of "oral comes standard?"

Maybe it's off on a bit of a tangent, but after reading some of the other comments/opinions that the sexual act extended beyond just the orgasm and thus would include swallowing. While another comment said she never had her partner come in her mouth when performing oral but off to the side or somewhere else. So my question was if there was a consensus opinion that 'coming in their mouth' is considered part of the oral that "comes standard?"

DTMFA.

Or follow #26 's advice. No more sex until he's swallowed one of his loads. Of course, that means you'll be dared to taste your vaginal juices too - but don't worry, they are nowhere as icky-tasting.

The best I've ever seen for load disposal : as soon as he's got his senses back, My awesome lover leans towards me, and kisses me passionately and swallows it all, until there's nothing left. It's so considerate and hot that I'd love to blow him all over again right away. And seeing him swallow it without fuss has slowly made it a lot more tasteful to me, and now I usually swallow a bit of it on my own, without pointing it to him, as a bit of togetherness thing.

@105: No. As secretagent pointed out, the equivalency would be to oral sex at all. Swallowing is not the entirety of oral sex performed on a man, it's a few seconds out of what is, hopefully, a long act. If you want to argue exact reciprocity you have to figure out a way to be attracted to your own gender. Though gay couples, to be honest, seem perfectly able to express preferences along the lines of "I like to do this to other people, but don't enjoy it done to me," or vice versa, and actually interact as individuals and not interchangeable parts.

@111: No. Oral comes standard means if you are dating nowadays you can assume your partner will both desire oral performed on them, and be willing, perhaps wildly excited, to perform it on you. It does not refer to any fine details (e.g. swallowing/facials/sneezing comes standard). And so if you have problems with the whole concept of oral in one direction or the other, not with a small optional part of one technique, you should bring it up. Just as you should bring up any important info (intend to remain a virgin til marriage, past sexual trauma, etc) that they should know going into a physical relationship. And that "I'm into you but will never perform oral on you" is an acceptable reason to break up with someone.

It is also, as Dan has said many times, possible that someone will decide that a given price of admission is worth it. There are men who dislike blow jobs. There are men who enjoy them but they're down around number 20 on a list of acts they'd like and if the other 19 are on the table, fine. There are men so in love with a woman who was orally raped that giving up the blow job she can't do without flashing, previously in the top 3, suddenly is easy to imagine because he'd rather have her. The important thing is to be honest about your limits early, not offer any of that "After we got married I'm sure I'd be okay with it" stuff.

"Oral comes standard" addresses what you, and your potential lovers', reasonable expectation might be. If Dan meant "Oral, performed on you exactly the way you like it, to the smallest details, with the frequency you demand, fuck what your partner prefers" he would have phrased it that way.

On the many interpretations of how often with the old lover: She tried it and doesn't like it. Maybe she tried it four times and then stopped. Maybe she tried it and wasn't good at standing up for herself yet and so reluctantly continued when he insisted, but she means to rewrite that in future relationships. (I imagine she would have mentioned it, but hey, we're able to wrest volumes from a minor subclause.) Maybe he told her it wasn't okay to stop, because once you've done something twice it's proof it's not that bad. And now the new boyfriend is making the same argument, and some commenters seem to be on board with "Hey, if you tried it and hate it you need to try it again. If you tried it multiple times and hated it, it's proof it's not that bad and so now you can't say no. If you never tried it, how do you know you won't like it?" It's just back to never being allowed to say no.

She told him she didn't like to swallow. The presence of an old lover for whom she did swallow, at least once, maybe multiple times or the whole time, is understood there. As it is for any "I don't enjoy X. And yes, I've tried, more than once, and I don't enjoy X" refusal, whether or not you are then asked for details of who exactly and how often. How anyone gets from there to "No, I won't swallow for you. I swallowed for James because I wubbed him so so much, but I do not really care for you," is a mystery.

OK, so you swallow. Then what is he going to demand of you? "You made a face! You can't make a face! You have to say 'Mm, yummy!' Say MM yummy!" He'll want you to swallow his spooge and he'll demand you like it. Sounds super emotionally healthy, doesn't it?

@103 I would suggest that the common usage principle makes "cum" as legitimate a spelling as "come." I would further suggest that it might have come into use specifically to differentiate between "I'm coming" (home right now) versus "I'm coming" (all over your face).

You should lovingly tell him to shut up and cut it out before he screws up the relationship.

You don't swallow because you don't like to. Period. Now that he pulled this crap, don't back down.

Is anyone else thrilled with all the SLLOTD's lately? Yay! I know Dan's busy becoming a SUPAHSTAH, but love to fall in love w/ his advice all over again.

I dislike partners who act like they own you. Freely sharing something from your past, or fielding questions that come from a place of honest curiosity is one thing.
Your past is your past, & all those steps & exes brought you to where you are today - with him. The guy who lives in the past, is a type, that other folks mighta mentioned upthread but that @ 116 reminded me of. Just think about the dynamic in the movie "Chasing Amy" & "Clerks" - insecure guy can't handle his girl's sexual past.

If the act requested is something you've done & are actively repulsed by, it should just be off the table. To keep going on about it isn't the sign of someone who cares about you, but about what control they can have over you.

Its kinda hard to walk a dynamic like this back. I dunno if this is an auto-dump, but, the LW should just stop blowing him if he doesn't cease with his BS, at the very least.

@117 No, I don't think so. "Emotional children" want you to make efforts for them, not them to make efforts for themselves. They want you to yield to their whim. Many straight men into control are repulsed with eating their own semen, and wouldn't do it for the world.

But you're right ; he may still swallow it. So my complete advice would be to DTMFA or, failing that :

1. Don't ever swallow his semen ever ;
2. As a punishment before you two have sex again, tell him to masturbate in front of you and make him swallow as many of his loads as you've already swallowed if you have, plus one for being an asshole about it ;
3. Then tell him the swallowing issue is closed in your books, and if he ever wants any of his loads swallowed again, he'll be the one doing the swallowing from now on.

@112:
I don't like to keep his spunk in my mouth that long. It's not so much the taste, but the consistency. Therefore, I prefer swallowing over spitting or letting it dribble out.
And we are back to personal preference: it's *her* call to state what she likes and doesn't like.
She told him it's a no-go, he should accept that.

I'm with the previous poster who said that the semen is already in the back of your mouth so swallowing it isn't a big deal. Granted, it tastes way way better from a man who eats plenty of fruits and vegetables and doesn't smoke. Isn't that pretty much the case with vaginal juices as well?

Just to reiterate: This is ultimately up to the LW, and whatever she wants to do, however we parse the wording of her question.

To everyone comparing flavors: I've only tasted my own cum, and, indirectly, one other guy's. That very small sample fits onto the mild flavor end of the spectrum of pussy I've tasted in my life. For the most part, though, with a healthy woman whose hygiene is decent, once the initial rush of 'external' flavors and smells have passed, the flavors of vaginal juices and of the cum I've tasted were very similar, minus the extra-virgin-olive-oil-in-the-back-of-the-throat property that my cum sometimes has had.

spit it into a cup and INSIST that he tries it first. if he won't swallow it, neither should you. try it.

@125: That's nice for you. I've tasted some come that is on that end of the spectrum, but most of the come I've tasted (from many men on many occasions) has been salty with a strong taste of its own. Some guys are milder than others, and if yours tastes anything like pussy juice, you are one of those people. Do not assume that because your come is mild that everyone's is. Also, try tasting your come after you've eaten a salami sandwich on sourdough bread. Then you'll know how objectionable come can taste, believe me.

@123: Honestly, it's not the act itself that's the problem. If he'd started a dialogue with her about why exactly she didn't like it when she swallowed before, and discussed with her some steps that would make it less likely to be unpleasant, and asked her nicely if she would just try it once to make sure she didn't like it, that would all be fine and I'd agree with you. This guy thinks he's entitled to the act just because she's done it before with another guy and she hasn't done it with him. That's bullshit, and she needs to set him straight about that.

@127: What part of

... I've only tasted my own cum, and, indirectly, one other guy's. That very small sample ...

makes you think I'm making a universal statement?

Regarding

"Some guys are milder than others, and if yours tastes anything like pussy juice, you are one of those people."

If you think pussy is universally mild, you haven't had your face in very much of it.

I know I am so late on this but I have to ask after reading most of the comments... Am I the only person who has eaten lots of pussy and swallowed lots of semen and can unequivocally state comparing the two is totaly off not the same and in no way close? The smell, taste, texture, volume, thickness, quantity, all of it is entirely different and anyone comparing them has clearly not done enough sampling of both because it's sort of like comparing natto and lime perrier.

Guys like this btw are why a lot of people burn out on giving head, stop, and don't even bother trying anymore. Not worth the effort. If I'm going to suck your dick and make you feel fabulous and show you how much I adore your body and you're going to bitch I don't swallow there are plenty of other guys other there who won't.

I used to have regular anal with an ex. Two exes actually. Because they were both obsessed by it. But truth is I found it uncomfortable and not exciting. I put up with it because I had zero self respect or self esteem and just wanted to avoid fights and confrontation. And because I thought it made me a good sex partner because it was SO important to them. And this is hard to admit, but I also put up with it because I was so desperate for any form of affection from the second/last one (he wouldn't even kiss me. EVER). When I broke up with Mr Anal 2 and I would start to feel sad about it I'd remind myself I NEVER had to have anal again if I did not want to. And I won't. I won't try it with anyone, ever, for any reason. Get another partner. If you want butt sex I am not the girl for you. That is all. So if some guy tried the "well you did it with them" on me I'd think he was a serious asshole. Just because I did it doesn't mean I liked it or enjoyed it. (and yes, agree with everyone who said best to not bring up this kind of unnecessary info to begin with).

Maybe I am old and cranky as I get closer to 40 or maybe I am spoiled rotten by lots of good sex and being married to a man who can't stand anal (he thinks it's gross, and I swear to god the first time I heard him say that at a party my mouth began to water and I never wanted to fuck a man so bad in my life. It is no small reason why I started to get interested in him). But I'm tired of people (usually women) feeling they have to justify, argue, defend, or explain why they don't want to do a certain sex act. Yes, partners have a right to expect one another to work on a mutually satisfying sex life, absolutely. But that doesn't mean you get to throw a tantrum if your partner doesn't want to do one or two specific things, provided they're working on getting you off. And if you only get off one way? Guess what, maybe you should get some therapy, either sexual or mental, and work on that, because it's just as unreasonable to expect your partner to do one thing and only one thing as it is to refuse to do it.

Now maybe swallowing is a BIG DEAL for this dude. And if it is, this is NOT the girl for him. Because it's a BIG DEAL for her to not swallow. So if he neeeeeeeeeeeeds the swallow, he needs to find someone into that and not someone he's getting duty gulps from.