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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
Further, I would ask the OP not to judge all poly by that particularly shitty example and write off the entire lovestyle. There are couples/groups/others out there who would love and treasure you as a beautiful equal, and never think of pulling this kind of crap.
Seriously, run. You're being used. I'm not sure how your income has changed since the last time you could afford an apartment, but there are roommates out there that don't make you watch their kids and fuck with your emotions.
That line more than anything else sets off warning sirens. That's complete bullshit. It's pretty natural to feel jealous when you are being replaced. It doesn't matter who or what these other people are; the operative fact is that right now she for all intents and purposes ISN'T SEEING YOU. Being left behind as the babysitter doesn't count. No sex for six months while she goes after all these others (and presumably has sex with them) sure as hell doesn't count.
The fact that she uses that argument on you makes me think not so much "mental health issues in need of help" as it does "selfish, sophistry-loving, manipulative asshole who needs to be told to take a flying fuck."
As for the writer, DTMFA.
First, it's high time that you get some romantic validation -- you know, the sort that she's been withholding because she "needs time to work on it," even while she gets it elsewhere.
Second, if the two of them feel free to shit on your special plans -- frankly, I think that's exactly what husband did: a power play to remind you who is primary; there was no good reason their dinner date HAD to be the same night as your special day -- then you have no obligation to cater to their plans, even if that means they have to scramble for a babysitter.
Third, their reaction (both of them) should tell you quite a bit about where you stand in this situation. If they react with fury, that should make it clear that they regard you as the hired help, not a partner. If it makes her jealous, that shows her argument to be the bullshit that it is.
So, you're fine with being roommates? Great, because that's what you already are.
I say stick with the rent for babysitting deal, and go find yourself a new betty.
I think you're writing to the wrong advice columnist here. Dan is not a poly expert, and from what I understand from his advice, he's not even poly-positive. You're experiencing problems that are very common in poly relationships where a couple attempts to date a third -- the third ends up as a second quality human and free babysitting. You should get some input from Mama Java at www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com. She has a LOT more experience with this sort of stuff AND she is very poly-friendly.
This issue here has nothing to do with the poly nature of this relationship. It wouldn't matter if she was in a relationship with one person or twenty. The problem is her girlfriend has cut her off from any sort of sex life for the last six months, and shows little sign of that changing any time in the near future. She is essentially experiencing lesbian bed death, and the whole poly thing is a side issue.
really?
what is Danny's position on polygamy?
yeah. we thought so.....
NaN, this isn't a relationship, this is a fiasco that you should have seen coming a mile off. The fact that this is the first woman you've been in luuuuuurve with isn't a reason to turn off your critical faculties. Quite the opposite: you should know at your age that first love makes you stupid. I strongly doubt you'd put up with this kind of nonsense from the tenth male you'd fallen for. (Or at least I seriously hope that's the case?)
Moving in with these people was a horrible mistake, and I'm sorry that you don't have a fast exit path. Save up your pennies, stop investing your emotional time in people for who you were clearly just a passing fancy, and get the fuck out as soon as you can manage. And then next time, maybe a little more healthy skepticism?
Save up your money and get out.
That's because they are fake--being a selfish motherfucker is not actually an illness, it's just being a selfish motherfucker. Dump her like one.
LW should stop contributing financially to the household until she has enough money saved up to move out, while telling her girlfriend that, just as the girlfriend has had to put their intimacy on hold while working stuff out even though she is committed to the relationship and doesn't want to end it, LW has to put her financial contributions on hold while working stuff out even though she is committed to the relationship and doesn't want to end it. Then, when she has a few paychecks saved up, jump ship and don't look back.
Of course, I expect the primaries will not put up with the LW's version of what they expect her to put up and respond by kicking the LW out, so she should look up the local woman's shelter so she has somewhere to go if she has no family or friend safety net.
Seriously; I just started skimming after reading this part. BTDT, never again, TYVM.
Totally agree: this person is being used for childcare AND..man or woman: you're 52!!!!...you need someone to tell you this?
No, I take that back...sometimes the sex is just that awesome that the memory keeps you sticking around waaay too long. BTDT.
You can both love her and treat her with the respect that every child of the universe deserves, and move out for your own self-preservation. That doesn’t require judging or blaming, just recognizing that your own needs and desires are legitimate and important.
How does she have time for any of them?
More importantly, how do people like this get all those others to put up with their manipulation and crap? Oh, yes, I forgot: "she's hot as hell," and 30. (sigh)
Well, in about 30 more years (sooner if she gains a lot of weight or doesn't use sunscreen), I guess it will be harder for her to find victims . . . um, I mean lovers.
Add me to the list of people calling bullshit on LW's girlfriend's DID claim based on the "her alters trust me enough to come out and introduce themselves" nonsense. Sounds more like factitious disorder to me.
I didn't see the letter writer mention any bad blood with her children- so why was this never even considered an option? By her OR you, Dan? It bears suggesting at least. And could give her the power to DTMFA that much faster, which in my opinion is a very good thing. This is not a healthy relationship and it's obviously run its course.
So yeah- why is moving in with the kids not even an option? Even temporarily?
None of this means that I don't love my girlfriends, or that she doesn't love her boyfriend. It's just different.
You may be impressed by her ability to be upfront about her mental illness, but that isn't what she needs to be upfront about. Don't be impressed until she can be honest about her flaws that directly concern you. You're hurt by her social problems, the voices in her head aren't a problem for anybody other than herself.
If you can get her to admit she has self esteem problems, you might make some progress. Or you could just... leave. Second one is probably easier.
Also know that DID is extremely rare, and even more rarely is it properly diagnosed. When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras. Just saddle up something and ride off into the sunset asap.
I have known two people like NAN's gf who claimed to have exotic and possibly-made-up mental disorders (one who claimed to have DID), and, perhaps not coincidentally, both were self-centered, manipulative users.
...
"The signals are so mixed its giving me whiplash."
Apparently your fight-or-flight instinct has been suppressed. Knowing is not "half the battle" if you don't act on your knowledge.
@20/@35: Hasn't it always been trendy for the BPD crowd to read that crock of shit Sybil fiction and claim to be DID? People who fake DID/MPD can only be trusted to be liars about all aspects of their lives to appear interesting.
If there's anything she loves, it's "excitement" and all manner of negative attention.