Twenty-six-year-old Harrison Williams, of Quinns Rock, Australia, jumped onto a dead whale being eaten by great white sharks. Very quickly he regretted it. Williams escaped unscathed, and his parents say he’s an idiot. Almost immediately, Old Spice deodorant signed him to a contract to do a series of ads (or at least that’s what I told him). WHO’S THE IDIOT NOW, MOM? I called four different numbers after e-mailing five different people and was able to catch up with Harrison for some words:

Why did you jump on a dead whale being eaten by sharks?
Harrison Williams: Because my friend said it would it would be funny to surf it.

Was it funny?
It was funny for maybe one and half seconds. It was a dumb thing to do. I don’t need to do it again. My mom and dad think I’m an idiot. They’re not too proud.

Did you think about the marketing possibilities before you did it? You saw the whale carcass floating with sharks feeding on it. Obviously, there’s money to be made there.
I didn’t really think about it like that. My friend was egging me on. People shouldn’t be doing this; it’s not safe. It could have ended poorly.

But you’re advertising deodorant now.
I am?

Yes, you are. Old Spice.
I think you may have the wrong guy.

Nope, it’s you. You’re the only Australian that’s jumped on a dead whale being eaten by sharks lately. I love it.
People shouldn’t be climbing on top of dead whales with sharks around.

What’s next? Where do you go from here? Tightropes? Cliff diving? You know you need to add fire.
I’m not sure. This isn’t something I’m proud of, like I said.

You could set the world record for playing chess underwater in a shark cage, except all the chess pieces would be made out of McNuggets. There’s a shitload of money to be made here. You’re a star now, realize that. Do they have Wendy’s in Perth?
We have Wendy’s, yeah. Aren’t McNuggets a McDonald's thing? I don’t know, it’s not a proud time for me or my family.

You need to stop thinking about pride and start thinking about money. You jumped on a whale being eaten by sharks. You’re “it” now. Get your scuba suit on, get some fucking chicken McNuggets, get in a shark cage, and play some chess. This is your life now. Be smart. It’s automatic money.
I see what you’re saying, but I have to go now. Thanks.