"Nice Girl In The City" sent me a long list of random questions that I answered to the best of my abilities in an epic SLLOTD last week. Today I got an epic email from a reader who took exception to one of my answers for NGITC. Here's the question:
4. A question about ass-play: I think my partner might want it, and I am a little skeeved out by the idea of licking his asshole. It is a total double standard, because I love when he licks mine. How do I get past this?
And here's my answer:
4. In the shower.
What's wrong with that answer—and a guide to rimming for straight girls—after the jump...
Dan, I love your shit! I have been reading since I was 14, and I'm so thankful I found a good source of healthy, non-shameful and exciting sexual information at that age. Your advice is always good—except your advice to the girl that wanted to give her boyfriend a rimmer. That was WAY off. I think I can do better.A Straight Girl’s Guide To Rim Jobs
Rim jobs. Rimmers. Straight girls straight up do not talk about that shit—getting is ok, giving not so much—or so I thought. I have one obviously non-vanilla friend who flies her freak flag differently than I do. I love this about her. I feel like I can ask her anything and get no judgement. One day, while driving, we had a conversation about rimmers. (Interestingly, Dan, did you know that young children often feel more comfortable talking when they don’t have to maintain eye contact? They do. It's called "parallel play" and I think our "parallel conversation" made it easy for me to ask her about rimmers.)
First, though, I have to say that I was embarrassed to have this conversation for two reasons. First, I want my friend to think I’m cool and it's embarrassing to be all like, “Hey, how do you give a rimmer?” And secondly, I was like, "Is she going to think I am weird?" And I was feeling this way about a friend who routinely discusses fisting, golden showers, etc.
But sitting side by side, not making eye contact, I worked up the nerve to say this to her: "My man wants a rimmer. We are four years in and he does everything I want but I’ve never done this for him.
And, honestly. I kinda don’t want to. Because he is a man, and he is hairy, and he poops out of the area he wants me to lick."
Okay, so lot’s of stereotypes coming up, right? But from the media, and my conversations with friends from all spectrums of the rainbow, I would hazard to guess that the average heterosexual male spends the least amount of time on bodily grooming. My girlfriends, bi, straight, cis, not cis and otherwise? They take care of their junk. My man kinda doesn’t. And for the most part, I like that. Except when, you know, I'm contemplating giving him a rimmer. Anyways. Back to the conversation.
My friend laughed, touched my arm in a comforting way, and then said, “Listen, here is what you do. You wait till after he's just had a shower. You tell him to lie down on his back, you put a pillow under his butt and tell him to bend his knees and let them fall apart, kind of like when you get a gyno exam. Then you puppy lick his hole—that's a big flat, wet tongue, no pointy tongue pressure!—and then you go from there."
"What is it going to taste and smell like?" I asked.
"Depending on his level of cleanliness it will be kind of sour," my friend said, "but it won't be gross.”
Then she challenged me to do it. I never back down from a dare
It took two weeks. Also I didn’t tell my man. I didn’t want to feel pressure or to build up his expectations. But one day, after he had a shower, I did what she told me to do. Under his butt went the pillow. Open went his legs. Down I went. And it was awesome. And it was totally tender, if you can believe that, and he was in heaven, moaning and touching himself. I was down there for a full fiften minutes. And my face was soaked from eyebrow to chin. And he felt so loved and I felt so loving. And, fuck, was it ever a turn on!
So my advice to girls who are thinking about giving their guys rimmers. Try it! But don’t try to rim someone in the fucking shower—terrible advice, Dan!—because you’ll get stuck in there, you'll get water up your nose, and it will NOT be a positive experience! Hope this advice is helpful to other scaredy pants who are wondering if they should try a rimmer. I tried it! I loved it!
Really Into My Man
You're right, RIMM: I should've advised NGITC to rim her boyfriend "after a shower." Rimming someone in the shower—as water cascades down the back and through the crack—is like being waterboarded with ass on your face. My bad.
But please don't call rim jobs "rimmers," RIMM. And when you send someone an email about eating ass it's best not to open with "I love your shit." Otherwise, excellent letter!