Here’s my situation: I’m 27, straight, and female (and GGG, or trying to be anyway), and I’ve been with my partner, male, for six years. A little over a year ago he came out to me as bisexual. To keep a long story as short as possible: We got through it (part of getting through it meant that I went to counseling, and it was one of the best things I ever did), we have had a few threesomes (with other men), and after the first one—at least—when everything was fresh and new and reinvigorated we both felt that it had brought us closer together as a couple, and as people who love each other, and who are committed (but monogamish!).

In addition to navigating all that, we have been living long distance for about a year and a half now. We manage to visit each other every 3-5 weeks. I cope with this pretty well (I’m completing a PhD, and I like my space) but he hasn’t coped quite so well. In recent months, his tendency to guilt trip me about being where I am, and having made the choices I have, has really had an impact on my happiness. Things got really bad, to the point where I almost ended it. We managed to pull up our bootstraps though, and so far things seem to have improved.

My main issue is this: Where I once was more or less 100% sure he was "the one," over the last year and a half, after rebuilding the level of trust several times (threesomes can be tricky), and having some disagreements about the future (I’m not so keen on marriage, and am pretty ambiguous about kids—he wants both), I am, shall we say, less than 100% sure he is the one I want to build my future with. That’s hard for me to say, because I love him dearly and passionately. But, among other things, I don’t think threesomes are in my future long-term. I’ve read all the books and still can’t shake the feeling of being less-than or not-enough completely. (I don’t think I want to feel this way, even off and on, forever, you know?) I sometimes feel like I’m just not cut out to deal with THIS particular set of problems. I hope that doesn’t make me sound shallow—I have exhausted myself over this for over a year (working at it, communicating, reflecting, going for it, etc)

So, do I tell him this? Do I disrupt the harmony, shake the boat, and let him know that I’m just not sure anymore? That week-to-week is pretty much as far ahead as I can look? Or, do I just go with it, (potentially wasting more time in this relationship) and wait until I know for sure that I want out? Or that I don’t?

On The Fence

Remember, OTF, there is no "the one." There's no perfect person, no perfect person for you, no perfect match, no perfect fit, no perfect lid for your perfect pot, etc. You'll meet a .64 or two if you're lucky—if you're really lucky you might even meet a .72—and it's your job to round that motherfucker up to one. It's easy to convince ourselves early in a relationship that we've stumbled over a .92 or a .97 or even a 1.00, i.e. someone who it's either easy to round up or who doesn't require rounding up, but a few years in—no later than six years in—we can clearly see those .92s for the .64s they are and always were.

So feeling less sure about him being "The One" isn't proof that he isn't "The One," OTF, because he never was "The One." (Is this making sense?) You're just seeing him for the .64 he always was and now you have to decide whether you're gonna spend the rest of your life rounding that motherfucker up.

Tell him what you're feeling. He may be feeling the same way, OTF, but even if he's not... tossing your of ambiguity and doubt on the table will force you two to have a different sort of conversation about your relationship. Up to now all of your conversations—with each other, with counselors, with your thirds—have been grounded in/framed by this question: How do we make this work? Telling him that you're feeling some ambiguity and doubt about your future together—telling him that you're not sure you have a future together—is going to force you two to have a conversation grounded in/framed by a very different question: Should we make this work?

If being with you means not having sex with men ever again—because you're not up for a lifetime of threesomes and you don't want him hooking up with guys on the side (or is that something you would allow?)—does he want to be with you?

If being with him means marriage and children—if he wins both those fights—do you want to be with him?

If being with you means forgoing marriage and children—if you win both those fights—does he want to be with you?

If being with him means having your professional ambitions constantly undermined—if the guilting you about getting your Ph.D. was merely the prologue—do you want to be with him?

There are lots of questions you two need to ask and answer—openly and honestly—as you make up your minds about whether you're going keep rounding each other up. Good luck.