I’m a married woman and reading your column with my husband helped us create a healthy sex life together. Thank you for that. Now I have a question.

My kink is having my husband come in my mouth. It’s not a wild kink and it's not one many women share. But I have the best orgasms as my husband is coming in my mouth. My biggest fantasy is to have his come in my mouth while he is fucking me—or, more accurately, having him come in my mouth as he fucks me. I've used a dildo while he comes in my mouth, and that's pretty good, but I want the real thing. And we're not willing to invite others into our play at this point.

Putting his come in a jar and drinking it while we're getting it on seems so sterile. I think it might ruin the mood. Plus, I would want it warm, so what do you do? Freeze it and microwave right before we start? Any advice for someone who wants her husband to be in two places at once?

Completely Unmet Major Desire Undermines My Pleasure

While I can certainly appreciate what’s hot about this fantasy, CUMDUMP, I can’t sign off on your proposed remedy to your husband's inability to be in two places/holes at once. Sucking on a defrosted lump of come just sounds nasty. And while you've given off-the-shelf dildos a try and found them lacking, there's another dildo option you might want to consider.

“A timeless philosophical quandary: How can one person be in two places at the same time?” said Todd Jarnagin of Clone-A-Willy, makers of the in-home penis molding kit. “Or how can CUMDUMP get fucked by her husband while simultaneously having her husband come in her mouth? Two husbands would be the obvious answer but CUMDUMP ruled inviting others to join. And we can’t currently help her find your husband’s alternate-universe double. But I think we do have the solution for you: Clone A Willy.”

This is an unsurprising suggestion... considering that Jarnagin works for Clone A Willy, a sex toy company based in Portland, Oregon. But creating a replica of your husband's cock really is your only realistic/non-icktastic/monogamous option.

And you won't just be replicating your husband's cock, CUMDUMP, you'll be improving on it.

“The Clone A Willy kit allows a person to make a vibrating silicone replica of an erect penis,” said Jarnagin. “Using our product would allow CUMDUMP's husband to penetrate CUMDUMP while he was coming in her mouth. Hell, they could make two copies of his penis and use both while he came in her mouth.”

Hell, you could make three clones of you husband's cock, CUMDUMP, and stuff one up your husband's ass while the other two clones are stuffing your holes—or, hell, why not go crazy and make FOUR clones? Then you can toss one out an open window and onto your lawn while you're using the other three.

“The mold is a fast-setting alginate similar to what dentists use when making casts of teeth, so it captures every detail,” said Jarnagin, “and the silicone is 100% platinum cure, so the entire process is hypoallergenic and body-safe. It requires a little prep work, so CUMDUMP should plan on spending one night getting her husband hard for the purposes of making a mold and then waiting 24 hours for the silicone to cure. She can plan on spending the next night with a vibrating clone of her husband fucking her while he comes in her mouth! Philosophical quandary solved!”