This is indeed a dark day for the Garden State. Our sympathies go out to anyone trapped in New Jersey, which will once again fall prey to Monster Governor Chris Christie.
“We’re going to take a deep breath,” he said after finishing sixth place in yesterday’s primary. (Don’t take TOO deep a breath, Chris — you know how Jersey smells this time of year.)
Having been rejected by humanity, Christie has now promised to end his rampage of New Hampshire and return to the belching Newark smokestacks from whence he hatched.
Meanwhile, Jeb Bush is still riding his wagon ’til the wheels fall off. His latest humiliation was being kicked off the stage by his own host.
But let’s reminisce a bit more about Christie, that unlovable oaf.
It’s hard to know which of Christie’s greatest hits to focus on first. How about the time he failed to report $380,000 worth of taxpayer reimbursements, saving him $152,000 on his taxes? (He defended the practice by claiming that payout wasn’t income, which isn’t exactly what the IRS looks at it.)
There’s the time he said that the teachers union deserved a “punch in the face” for endorsing Hillary Clinton. Or when he said that someone should take “take the bat” to a 76-year-old widower for collecting a small pension after losing her savings to Bernie Madoff.
And how about that Exxon situation? The oil company ravaged New Jersey’s natural areas for decades, and the state sought $6.3 billion in damages. But then, after Exxon contributed $1.9 million to the Republican Governor’s Association, suddenly the state settled for $250 million. How could such a thing have happened? I dunno. Maybe you should ask New Jersey Attorney General Paula T. Dow, who was appointed by Christie. She ought to know what went down — after all, she was Exxon’s lawyer for nearly a decade.
He also presided over nine (nine!) credit downgrades for the state, which is pretty impressive. And while he was at it, he cut the budget of a center that treats victims of childhood sexual abuse, sure, why not. And of course there’s the “Bridgegate” scandal in which his appointees created a traffic jam for what seems like political retribution.
It’s hard to overestimate just how fortunate we are to have him out of the race. He’s awful on just about every issue — he wanted an incredible expansion of domestic spying programs, and said that people who object to being snooped on are “civil liberties extremists.” He said that we should be threatening countries like Russia and China by increasing the military by half a million new soldiers. And he’s still opposed to legalizing pot: “if people want legalized marijuana in the state, elect a new governor,” he said. Okay!
Christie’s been a delightful man even dating back to the earliest days of his political career, when he ran for a local office known as “Freeholder.” (Good God, New Jersey, what even are you.) During that campaign, he said that his opponents were “under investigation” for breaking the law, and they sued him for defamation. It was settled out of court.
Anyway, Christie’s loss is America’s gain. And also a terrifying prospect for his home state. Beware, New Jerseyans. Beware.
