Good news, political junkies! CNN has you covered. They’ve bulked up their election-reporting head count with forty (40!) new faces to bring you the latest breaking news, whether it’s Hillary’s new hairdo, who Chris Christie’s yelling at now, and all of the undeclared candidates’ plans regarding attendance at hypothetical gay weddings.
What a relief!
“We have several dozen new employees covering politics for CNN that weren’t here six months ago,” network senior vice president and Washington bureau chief Sam Feist told the Hollywood Reporter, which reported the news about CNN between an article about Craig T. Nelson teaming up with Jane Fonda, and another about the casting of Andy Samberg and Kelsey Grammer in a new animated feature about “a fresh and funny look at the fable behind storks.”
“Our long-term goal is to build up our political team on TV and digital,” Feist says. Does this mean more holograms?
It’s thanks to that move that CNN’s 2016 page currently features such hard-hitting exposés as “Meet the woman who almost made Hillary Clinton cry in 2008.” (TLDR: She was an elderly woman who wanted to ask Hillary something nice, and nobody’s sure if Hillary actually cried or not.)
Also uncovered by CNN’s team of superstars: “North Carolina man’s obituary: ‘Do not vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016.’” (TLDR: Elderly man was lifelong Republican.) And this: “Biggest Campaign Mistakes Thus Far.” (TLDR: Ted Cruz enrolled in Obamacare, Rand Paul shushed a reporter, Hillary said her grandparents were immigrants when in fact one was born shortly after the family immigrated, and Marco Rubio exists.)
“The American presidential election plays out on cable news,” Feist said, in an article not written in 2004.
Meanwhile, Fox News will host the first Republican debate this summer; MSNBC is sending reporters out of the studio for once; and Comedy Central will remain the only channel you can actually trust.
Only 550-ish more days to go.
