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I’m considering bringing charges against Will.i.am.

Interested parties can help me brainstorm over on Line Out.

* For the purposes of this study, “lawyer” means anyone with a law degree, as well as anyone who’s watched more than 500 hours of original-recipe Law & Order.

David Schmader—former weed columnist and Stranger associate editor—is the author of the solo plays Straight and Letter to Axl, which he’s performed in Seattle and across the US. His latest...