Earlier today, as part of his commitment to job creation for comedy writers, Rick Perry announced that he will run for president.
His platform is exactly what you’d expect—lower taxes, stronger military, small government. Don’t even bother learning about his political positions, because he won’t be around long enough for them to matter.
Instead, merely expect Rick Perry to amuse and delight us over the next few weeks, maybe months if he’s lucky. Four years ago, his campaign was a nonstop parade of bumbles. He called Social Security “a Ponzi scheme”—to the surprise of many elderly voters. He forgot when election day is. He accused the leaders of Turkey of being “Islamic terrorists,” which came as a surprise to everyone, particularly Turkey, a secular democracy fighting Islamic terrorists alongside NATO and the State Department.
The Turkey gaffe might be my favorite. Perry said that the U.S. could cut off aid to the country, to which the Turkish ambassador responded that the country doesn’t need U.S. aid and has in fact created a lot of jobs in Texas.
No no no, wait, I take it back, my favorite one is when he said “I don’t know how you would do this, but if you could take Herman Cain and mate him up with Newt Gingrich, I think you would have a couple of really interesting guys to work with.” Fantastic plan, Rick! (This curious understanding of mating could explain why he got an F in organic chemistry.)
If we’re lucky, before going out in a ball of flame Rick will land at least a few potshots at the other clowns running, and he’ll also give his fellow idiots something to talk about. (Glen Beck recently claimed that Rick Perry ended the 2011 Texas drought by signing a prayer proclamation. I seriously do not understand how these people think God works.)
Hopefully Rick’s presidential campaign won’t be too distracted by his other full-time hobby, responding to felony abuse-of-power allegations and posing for mug-shots. And who’s paying for his expensive lawyering? Why, his own campaign is, of course. As Fox News reported in January, so far the Perry campaign has shelled out more than $1 million to defend him.
Of course, no one can forget the “oops” moment four years ago, when he couldn’t remember “his” own platform. But have you seen this delightful appearance from 2011? It starts with him yelling, “today has been awesome, girl!” He goes on to sway and bob his head manically, ramble, giggle, and look happier than any human has ever been to receive a bottle of maple syrup.
Yes, girl. Today has been awesome.
