In October, in Florida, my brother married a woman he had been dating for a year and a half. They met in church, teaching Sunday school to teenagers together. My brother’s evangelical righteousness burns bright, and the scripture he and his bride chose as the centerpiece of the ceremony was the one about how the woman is not a human being and she must do whatever her husband says and never ask him questions or whatever. (They acted like this was the most beautiful passage in the Bible, and woefully under-appreciated.) And then came the part in the ceremony where the groom was invited to kiss the bride, and everyone in the room was rapt, because this was THE FIRST TIME THEY’D EVER KISSED on the lips. Ever. After a year and a half of dating. Because of God.
Sorry about the all-caps. Months later, I’m still a little stunned. To be fair to the rest of my family—many of whom are Bible literalists but most of whom aren’t that crazy—all of us were a little stunned. None of us knew until the night before that the kiss we were about to witness was their first ever, and wouldn’t have known if my stepmom hadn’t snuck my brother a sly smile after the rehearsal dinner and said, “You better give her a nice big kiss tonight because it’s her last night as a single woman,” to which my brother said something like, “Um, actually…”
This brother has been married before, and that marriage dissolved almost immediately, therefore he had failed to live up to a promise he made to the Lord. Or something. So this marriage in October was my brother’s attempt to do it right. How promising God you’re going to spend eternity in wedded bliss with someone you’ve never made out with—how do you know you have chemistry with someone if you’ve never made out with them?—constitutes doing it right is beyond me, but he and his bride are not alone.
Take a gander at this smiling pair, who never kissed before their wedding this past weekend. (They are both abstinence “educators” in Chicago Public Schools: “And they say they practice what they preach. To avoid temptation while dating, they made sure they were never alone with each other in a house. When they watched movies on the couch, they snuggled sitting straight up, never lying down.”) The bride’s quote in the article—“I don’t know how long it will last, but it’ll be great”—doesn’t refer to what the sex will be like on their first night (as I first thought), or how long their marriage will last (my second thought), but how long she expected the first kiss itself to last.
What, you ask, was my brother’s first kiss with his bride like? Once he got the green light from the man there to represent the Lord, he leaned in for a long kiss, seemed to light up inside, stood up, and then leaned back in for a second kiss. At which point, the pastor broke them apart.
It was about 10:30 pm at the reception before my brother was looking to… um, get outta there, if you know what I mean. Imagine his excitement. “I think she and I are going to do our last dance after this song,” he said. Someone said, knowingly, “And then you’re gonna go.” And my brother blurted, “Yep! CAN’T WAIT!”
I take into consideration that the Bible was written by men who saw women as possessions with a status perhaps lower than that of the family pet, and realize it is all BS preached by a bunch of pro-paternal insecure dudes.
That’s how I see it, anyway.
@49, Genesis Chapter 9 is more of an example of the sort of things that you ought not to do.
@51, Some of the stuff in there certainly looks like it was written by a woman. If you are familiar with the JEDPR theory J looks female. The problem is that the Bible is a conversation. We’re suposed to pay attention to the conversation and not focus on what any one voice is saying. Sometimes those voices get it right, sometimes they get it wrong. Usually when they get it wrong somebody else comes along and corrects them.
Eww. I really fear for any children that this marriage may produce. How screwed up will those kids be?
I support consenting adults doing whatever they want.
Unfortunately, they will probably expect their kids to be just like mommy and daddy, and will thus forgo any contingencies that they are not, i.e. sex ed, where babies come from, how to not end up the victim of molestation… everyone’s been saying “good luck” to the couple, I say good luck to their kids…they’re going to need it.
I grew up Catholic, so I know all about the fantasy of saving yourself for marriage. As far as I’m concerned, first kiss, first fuck, it’s stupid to save any of those things for you’re wedding day. I truly regret I didn’t sow my wild oats in college. Instead I lost my virginity to the guy who would eventually become my husband, and then my ex-husband. If we’d gotten around more then, we probably wouldn’t have gotten married. We still like each other alot, but getting married was stupid. Ah well.
He has a very tiny dick. Sorry, but I calls em like I sees em.
Sounds like my older cousin’s wedding that I went to when I was 14. They even quoted the same passage of King James. I had to run away when they started talking about the Apocalypse. And write bad poetry about it. Happy now, Christopher? Thanks for making me relive that. I’m going back to working on layout.
My cousin had a wedding just like that last year. My uncle (not the groom’s father, but my other uncle) told me the story. He is a chaplain and ordained and he was shocked by the wedding. And when I tell the story about that being their first kiss, I put it in all caps, too.
I love to kiss – sad indeed to read this
my life would be empty with hours of kissing every week with several boyfriends
yes, very hot stuff, once I get my lips on them they always get all aroused and sexual
even the so called straight ones