Welcome to the second of eleven (serenity now) Republican debates scheduled for this primary season!
This afternoon’s debate features Lindsey “Lookin’ for a Lady” Graham, Bobby “The Bigot” Jindal, George “Who?” Pataki, and Rick “I’m a Butt Joke” Santorum. Despite the unfortunate time slot, the relatively reasonable number of candidates on the debate stage will allow the speakers time to answer their questions more fully. Plus CNN promises to air the best answer to this debate during the primetime show later on in the evening.
3:04 pm:The debates will get underway following a three-minute moment of silence in honor of the number of months Rick Perry spent campaigning. Wish you could be here, buddy.
3:12 pm: “Great fluid in this system.” CNN guy is stealing Trump’s pick-up lines now?
3:15 pm: The candidates are debating in the Ronald Reagan Library, which is almost a contradiction in terms. Lecterns are positioned in front of a retired Air Force One plane. I keep waiting for Harrison Ford to swing down from the rafters and yell “GIMME BACK MY PLANE.”
3:21pm: Dear Jake Tapper, those are not podiums.
3:25pm: Candidates were asked what they think of Regan. George Pataki says he thinks of Regan’s smile. That’s funny, Pataki. When I think of Reagan I think of people starving in the streets and illiterate teenagers.
3:25pm: Lindsey Graham is going to destroy radical Islam like I’m going to destroy people saying “epic.”
3:26pm: Jindal wins the “who will mention the selling of baby parts first” sweepstakes. He also said that Obama cares more about Twinkies than he does Ayatollahs.
3:31pm: Lindsey Graham says: “If I’m president of the United States, we’re going to send in more ground forces into Iraq.” Sounded oddly like he said “brown forces” instead of “ground forces.” He wants to raise the number of boots on the ground to 10,000.
3:38pm: “Just about everybody in this field supports a path to citizenship and amnesty,” says Santorum. Bobby Jindal says nuh uh: “Immigration without assimilation is invasion,” then shoots crazyass clownface smile at Santorum destined to become a “What’s good?” gif.
3:38 pm: George Pataki says he wants to make undocumented workers do community service in order to get on a path to citizenship. Graham admits his 10 years of trying to solve the immigration crisis has yielded no meaningful results. Santorum says all you have to do is ask half of the 11 million immigrants to go back home.
3:45 pm: The only way we’re going to help the Syrian refugees is defeating ISIS, according to Jindal. Accepting more refugees isn’t going to help them at all.
3:47 pm: Wup, make that 20,000. Graham wants 20,000 boots on the ground in Iraq. Santorum wants 10,000, but he’ll go higher.
3:50 pm: Pataki wins the “who will mention 9/11 first” sweepstakes. Piece of shit.
3:50 pm: Ahmed Mohamed’s clock comes up. Jindal refuses to answer the question and say that a smart kid got a raw fucking deal from the racist morons who run his school. Then eventually sort of does, by way of letting the cops off the hook and bringing up Kim Davis and “religious freedom,” which he calls the “real discrimination” in this country.
I can’t imagine how humiliating it is to be in the loser’s debate defending your right to criticize Donald Trump
— Ezra Klein (@ezraklein) September 16, 2015
3:59 pm: Rick Santorum asks how many clerks the US will throw in jail for standing up for their beliefs. As many as it takes.
3:59pm: Pataki comes out strong against Kim Davis. He would have fired her. “There’s a place where religion supersedes the rule of law: Iran.” One point to Pataki.
4:01 pm: The commercial for Pawn Sacrifice, the chess movie with Tobey Maguire is more exciting and interesting and dramatic and promising than this debate, or indeed, all political discourse. Discuss.
4:00 pm: Pataki comes on strong, schooling Santorum about Supreme Court over religious fervor. Santorum dares to enlist Martin Luther King’s name in his argument.
4:03 pm: Forgetting genocide and unfettered Westward expansion, Jindal says, “Religious liberty created the United States of America.”
4:07 pm: Jindal is dominating this debate. No one can keep up with the speed of his crazy.
4:10 pm: DING DING DING: Lindsey Graham wins the First to Bring Up Benghazi Sweepstakes. Then implies that he’d only say nice things about Democrats under the influence of booze.
4:14 pm: Rick Santorum thinks a flat tax of 20% across the board would grow the American economy. There’s already a flat tax for those in the top tax bracket.
4:19 pm: Santorum says 1% of Americans make minimum wage? It’s 4.3% if you include people who work below the minimum wage.
4:20 pm: TIME TO GET HIGH, Lindsey Graham. Enjoy this time-appropriate theme song by Seth Galifianakis
4:23 pm: Steve Jobs being played by Michael Fassbender is the only travesty greater than this presidential campaign.
4:26 pm: Graham says he wants to “rebuild the military.” Over 50% of our discretionary spending goes to the military, Graham, HOW MUCH MORE DO YOU WANT.
4:29 pm: More than 2/3 of Iranians believe the apocalypse will happen in their lifetimes, says Santorum. Clear implication that every Iranian citizen is a radical Islamist. But what about their religious freedom, Rick?
4:31 pm: Graham: “The next 9/11 is coming from Syria.” Must be cockpit gossip he picked up on one of his 31 trips to Iraq.
4:35 pm: Graham and Jindal are arguing about who’s to blame for losing to Obama so often. Graham thinks shutting down the govt. over Planned Parenthood won’t help them “win.” Jindal thinks they need to stand up for conservative principles. Awwww, infighting!
4:37 pm: It really is appropriate that they’re doing this in the Reagan Library, since every one of these cretinous chumps benefits directly from the culture of proud, aggressive stupidity that gathered around Reagan like dust around Pigpen. Only an anti-education nation could elect these four men to any office.
4:41 pm: Pataki: Two things we have to do as Republicans: 1) Win, 2) Having won, do the job. Someone hand that man the keys to the country.
4:43pm: Santorum shouldn’t say “came.” -Amateur political operative
4:43pm: Santorum shouldn’t say “mess.” -Amateur political operative
4:45 pm: Jindal is so obsessed with baby parts. He’s brought them up three times now, and he’s the only one who’s talking about it.
5:01 pm: Just in case you were wondering how much fecal matter Santorum was spewing:
Santorum on the Truth-O-Meter http://t.co/J5pA7is54f True 10%
Mostly True 12%
Half True 22%
Mostly False 21%
False 26%
Pants on Fire 9%
— PolitiFact (@PolitiFact) September 16, 2015
5:04 pm: To sum things up nice and tidy: Fuck every one of these soulless creeps in their necks. Not a president of a Kiwanis Club among them.
