Excerpted from the bad pastor’s booklet Porn-Again Christian: A Frank Discussion on Pornography & Masturbation for God’s Men:

First, masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexuality activity, particularly if he’s watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body.

Every day, in every way, Mark Driscoll seems more and more like one of those devoted heterosexual husbands who begins the love-making process by holding a copy of Mandate over his wife’s face.

Thank you, Slog tipper FW.

David Schmader—former weed columnist and Stranger associate editor—is the author of the solo plays Straight and Letter to Axl, which he’s performed in Seattle and across the US. His latest...

40 replies on “Mark Driscoll on Masturbation”

  5. He’s either a closet case, or he’s trying to pressure women into putting out more because, gosh, they wouldn’t want to force their men into having gay solo sex, would they?

  6. @2 – The first draft of the booklet went on for forty pages, detailing all the ways a guy could accidentally be gay. There were diagrams.

  8. Have you seen the film Higher Ground, David? If not, you really should for a few reasons. One, Vera Farmiga gives a sensational, Oscar-worthy performance. Two, there are some humorous but also earnest scenes involving Christian men and women discussing sex rather sensibly. It is great.

  10. Chapter 1: “God basically called his people tramps for lifting up their shirts like it was Mardi Gras and chasing men with huge penises and semen emissions like fire hoses.”

  12. Sometimes I think that these preacher-types must spend more time thinking about gay sex than all but the horniest of gay men. Granted, sometimes that’s because they are actually really horny closeted gay men.

  15. @5: Well, he once implied that Ted Haggard strayed because his wife didn’t make herself sexy enough…so yeah, that’s pretty much exactly what he’s saying.

  16. In all my years of experience, I have never once masturbated while staring at myself in the mirror. Ergo, I am not a total narcissist (Mark, honeypie, narcissists are not necessarily homersexshuls…you can calm down and go back to making love to your own image).

  18. Scene: The Driscoll boudoir.

    Pastor: Let’s make love.
    Wife: Sorry, just not feeling it tonight.
    Pastor: OK, let me just rub one out next to you.
    Wife: Ewww, really not feeling it. I’m going downstairs.
    Pastor: !!??!!!! Wait for me, honey!

    Que Yakkity Sax soundtrack while the good Pastor follows his wife from room to room with an old gym sock…

  20. That’s exactly the point of view my friends and I had when we were 10 years old. Masturbation is gay, even though we were all doing it. I think we can be excused for being dumb kids who didn’t know better. That guy is an adult. What’s his excuse?

  21. @11…it’s gone.. i mean unless you want to travel down to tacoma to see it…and also…
    i always suspected that there were WAY more gay men then the official estimates . and most of the new ones are holed up in bible schools waiting to be scooped up by us recruiters..YAY-yuh !

  23. Oh and can we just reality check that straight men are paying this krazee fucker tons of their doe-rey-mi to tell them that they’re homos when they jack off? Just when you think the locals can’t go even more insane…

  26. My problem as a homosexual man who often masturbates in front of a mirror is that I would do Mark Driscoll in a heartbeat.

    I’ve a fetish for guys with big, square meatheads (that sport puka shell necklaces).

  32. @ 27 — At first I thought you meant http://www.zebraclub.com/

    Which wasn’t a hard stretch given Mark’s penchant for heraldic imagery silkscreened hipster duds.

    But now my mind is reeling with the possibilities of Club Z on a Sunday — amyl caps clutched tightly in my shaking hand. What time do they open? (Or not close?)

  33. Hahaha. Reminds me of a Penthouse Forum “letter” from oh-so-long-ago, from a college guy who comes back to his dorm room and catches his roommate self-fellating, guy pretends disgust, roomie says “You think I’m a homo, right? Well, that makes you one too, because if you beat off it means you can stand to hold onto a dick. How long do you think it’s gonna be before you’re beating other people’s meat?”

    The story ends, as it must, with roomie teaching guy to blow his own horn.

    [Penthouse Forum had maybe 5-10% gay/bi “letters” and was, in the Carboniferous Era before the Silicon Age, a way for gay guys to get porn at the 7-11 without raising too much suspicion.]

  34. And, naturally, he doesn’t mention women masturbating alone as being “gay” because, ya know, that’s like hot for a straight dude to imagine so we don’t want to discourage *that*. That’s a-okay by The Lord.

    This guy is a complete fucking dipshit.

  35. Never knew about “Mandate”. However, there are plenty of straight alternatives.

    Comedian Brian Posehn (you’ll know him if you Google him) admits that he masturbates “whenever (my wife) is out of the room”. Other studies seem to confirm this simple fact: floggin’ the log is universal, and situationally dependent.

    Aside from that, morality seems a bit irrelevant.

Comments are closed.