Of all the things to be grateful for this Thanksgiving, perhaps the best is that you do not have to spend it with Donald Trump. Half of Americans surveyed said that he is the candidate most likely to ruin the holiday, according to Public Policy Polling. Marco Rubio was rated the least likely to ruin everything, probably because most people don’t even know who that is. Didn’t he bring pasta back from China?
Oh and there’s more to be thankful for: no credible threats, hooray! That’s according to President Obama, who wants you to know that there’s no reason to freak out today. Or really any other day for that matter.
Chris Christie responded by calling Obama “naive and gravely dangerous.” Mmm, gravy!
In addition to spending the holiday saying unpleasant things about Obama, a few of the candidates also took some time to pardon a turkey, which isn’t strictly a candidate responsibility but whatever. The turkey in question looks pretty unhappy about the whole thing, despite Carly Fiorina petting it and cooing, “You’re so beautiful.”
“I’m pardoning it for being ugly,” Ben Carson countered. Well, which is it, candidates? Are turkeys beautiful or ugly?
Also of note: Carly refers to the turkey by name: “Jenny.” Possible running mate?
In other hard-hitting Thanksgiving news: 38% of Republicans disapprove of Obama’s decision last year to pardon TWO turkeys instead of just one. Only 11% of Republicans are okay with that move. “Not MY turkey-pardoner!” they all bellow.
Also revealed: old people like cranberry sauce, young people don’t. Once I made a cranberry sauce so acidic it dissolved the varnish on the bowl in which it was served, but it tasted pretty good to me. Maybe the varnish helped it. Old family recipe!
Something else to give thanks for: We don’t live in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, or Nevada, where Marco Rubio will be blanketing airwaves with irritating ads. Candidates are spending $5 million just this week to annoy as many people as they can.
That includes Hillary Clinton, who’ll be broadcasting commercials about how hard she fought for health care reform; and Bernie Sanders, who’ll be yelling about, what else, the “rigged economy.” Jeb’s ads criticize “radical Islamic terrorism,” so basically don’t turn on a television or radio if you’re spending the holiday with any family members likely to be triggered by any of that.
As for me, I’ll be spending the holiday across the ocean in Kirkland, at geek palace Verne & Wells. Every year they throw an orphan Thanksgiving surrounded by board games, Dungeons and Dragons manuals, D20s, and PS4 controllers. Not a presidential candidate in sight, unless the club’s shiba inu has some unexpected news to announce.
