A year into our marriage, my husband told me he is a sexual sadist. He felt guilty about it, as his tendencies had led him to cross some lines in past relationships. I wasn’t thrilled with the news, because I’m neither submissive nor a masochist. I want my sex partner to get off on getting me off. Bad match for a sadist. But I wanted to be GGG so I offered the possibility of exploring his predilections as long as we could start of slowly and use a safe word. He didn’t think this would work well, as part of what he gets off on is 1. his not having to exercise that much control and 2. pushing the other person past whatever limits or boundaries they have. So we didn’t do anything and we didn’t talk about it anymore.
Our sex life devolved over the next four years to the point where I resented him because the majority of the sex we did have was a blowjob followed by cervix pounding (ow). So we—okay, I—stopped wanting to have much sex at all. Meanwhile, when we did have sex, he wasn’t having satisfying sex because he was exercising so much control in order to ensure he didn’t cross any lines or hurt me.
We’re finally now talking about this all, but aren’t sure where to go from here. My husband is coming to accept his sadism, but wants more information and doesn’t know where to get it. I want him to be sexually happy so he’s more willing to indulge me in sex I enjoy and while I’m still willing to try some sadism sessions, there are lines I’m just not willing to let anyone cross and I’m not sure that will satisfy him. Additionally he feels emotionally crappy after he hurts me.
It seems our options are 1. stay married with crappy sex (ick), 2. get divorced (which neither of us wants), or 3. go monogamish with the hopes that he can find someone who will enjoy his sadism in bed, which has its own emotional and physical risks. Plus, how does one find one’s husband a girlfriend?
I’m hoping you have some wise words of wisdom for us, can point us towards other possibilities, or just steer us towards more information and possible next steps.
No Clever Acronym—Just HELP!
My response after the jump…
There are limits to GGG—and enduring extreme pain to please a partner, pain that gives you no pleasure, falls well outside the limits of GGG.
I’m getting a little self conscious about how many times I’ve recommended Daniel Bergner’s The Other Side of Desire: Four Journeys Into the Far Realms of Lust and Longing over the last few weeks—most recently to a foot fetishist who called the podcast—but I’m going to recommend it to you, ACAJH, as I think reading it would help you.
One of the four people Bergner profiles in his book is the Baroness, a dominatrix and sexual sadist who specializes in—and enjoys the hell out of—inflicting extreme pain on her willing (and numerous) subs. And here’s what I think you’ll find interesting about the Baroness: she’s married to a man who isn’t kinky. Her interactions with her husband—sexual and otherwise—are completely vanilla and completely conventional. He knows about his wife’s interest in fetish attire and sadism, and he seems nonplussed by it, but he isn’t threatened by her extra-marital activities or by her slaves and other play partners in the BDSM/fetish scene. And one of the things the Baroness loves about her husband? Being with him doesn’t mean stifling this aspect her sexuality. She has it all: the love and commitment of a good man and the submission and suffering of her willing subs.
A monogamish arrangement like the one Mr. & Mrs. Baroness have may be a better option for you and your husband than crappy sex. And, yes, a monogamish arrangement does carry emotional and physical risks. But resigning yourself to crappy sex for the rest of your lives isn’t risk-free either. Frustration and resentment will build up on both sides and you’re likely to wind up divorcing if the F&R gets too bad, NCAJH, and you did say that neither of you wants to divorce, right? So if your husband enjoys vanilla—or if he enjoys it more if it’s not all he gets to do—then maybe you should give monogamishamy a chance.
Tell your husband he has your blessing to explore his sadistic side with actual masochists—and finding himself a masochistic girlfriend isn’t your job, NCAJH, it’s his. He should locate the nearest BDSM group start attending munches and play parties—strictly as an observer at first—and he should read some books about BDSM, and he needs to munch, observe, and read before he actually plays with anybody. Because your husband is operating under some seriously deluded notions about what actual sadists and actual masochists do when they actually get actually together for some actually actual SM sex. In the porn he’s seen it might look like the sadist gets do whatever he wants without any consideration for the masochist’s limits, feelings or comfort, but that’s not the way SM works in reality—not even when avowed sadists get together with avowed masochists to avowedly avow the shit out of each other.
A sadist who doesn’t want to “exercise that much control” is a danger to his subs and, ultimately, to himself. A sub who has been “pushed past whatever limits or boundaries they have” is no longer a partner in a consensual sex act. She’s an assault victim and the police and the district attorney aren’t going to regard, “But I’m a sadist and it’s no fun for me when I have to respect someone’s boundaries!” as a get-out-of-jail free card. Your husband needs to understand that before he begins to explore this aspect of his sexuality—which he’ll be doing without you.