It still shocks the crap out of me when I realize how many people are still unfamiliar with the sheer enormity of terribleness encased in E.L. James absolutely awful book. For those who neither have the time or inclination to crack it open, here are 50 of the most absurdly hilarious lines from Fifty Shades of Grey... but trust me, we're just scratching the surface! Go on, treat your "inner goddess!"
1) "Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free."
2) "Desire pools dark and deadly in my groin."
3) "He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez."
4) “I line up the white ball and with a swift clean stroke, hit the center ball of the triangle square on with such force that a striped ball spins and plunges into the top right pocket. I’ve scattered the rest of the balls.”
5) “Don’t you like the butt drawer?”
6) “Argon? It rings a distant bell from chemistry class—an element, I think.”
7) “I sit up and reach for the orange juice, drinking it down too quickly. It’s delicious, ice cold, and it makes my mouth a much better place.”
MANY MORE AFTER THE JUMP!
8) Christian: “Dr. Green is coming to sort you out…”
Christian: “Because I hate condoms …”
Ana: “It’s my body.”
Christian: “It’s mine, too.”
9) “He’s said such loving things today … But how long will he want to do this without wanting to beat the crap out of me.”
10) “My subconscious looks on with approval, her normally pursed mouth smiling, and I am the supreme puppet master.”
11) "I flush. My inner goddess is down on bended knee with her hands clasped in supplication begging me."
12) "My inner goddess is beside herself, hopping from foot to foot."
13) "My inner goddess fist pumps the air above her chaise lounge"
14) "My inner goddess stirs from her five-day sulk."
15) "My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves."
16) “My inner goddess is doing a triple axel dismount off the uneven bars, and abruptly my mouth is dry.”
17) “The remaining subclauses of this clause 15 are to be read subject to this proviso and to the fundamental matters agreed in clauses 2-5 above.”
18) "Suppose he returns with a cane, or some weird kinky implement?"
19) "Mentally girding my loins, I head into the hotel."
20) "He's my very own Christian Grey popsicle."
21) "Feel it baby."
22) Christian: You wore my underwear.
Ana: Did that shock you?
23) "The elevator whisks me with terminal velocity to the twentieth floor."
24) "I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet and falling head first into the office. Double crap—me and my two left feet!"
25) "And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain—probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells—comes the thought: He's here to see you."
26) "His gaze is intense, all humor gone, and strange muscles deep in my belly clench suddenly."
27) "That night I dream of dark places, bleak white cold floors, and gray eyes."
28) "His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something."
29) "'Argh!' I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity."
30) "I'm so glad I decided to wear my best jeans this morning."
31) "I must be the color of the communist manifesto."
32) "I am all gushing and breathy—like a child, not a grown woman who can vote and drink legally in the state of Washington."
33) "He has a coffee which bears a wonderful leaf-pattern imprinted on the milk. How do they do that? I wonder idly."
34) "Well, if you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday. You didn't eat, you got drunk, you put yourself at risk."
35) "My hormones are racing."
36) "Grabbing it quickly, I squirt toothpaste on it and brush my teeth in double quick time. I feel so naughty. It's such a thrill."
37) "Oh my… sweat and body wash and Christian. It's a heady cocktail—so much better than a margarita, and now I can speak from experience."
38) "And there it is, a white helicopter with the name Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. written in blue with the company logo on the side. Surely this is misuse of company property."
39) "My subconscious has reared her ugly, snide head."
40) "'Does this mean you're going to make love to me tonight, Christian?' Holy shit! Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly. 'No, Anastasia, it doesn't. Firstly, I don't make love. I fuck... hard.'"
41) "Why are we looking at a playroom? I am mystified. 'You want to play on your Xbox?' I ask. He laughs, loudly."
42) "Christian Grey just sent me a winking smiley... Oh my."
43) "Why hasn't he given me back my panties? I steal into the bathroom, bewildered by my lack of underwear."
44) "My anxiety level has shot up several magnitudes on the Richter scale."
45) "How could he mean so much to me in such a short time? He's got right under my skin... literally."
46) “'Put the chicken in the fridge.' This is not a sentence I had ever expected to hear from Christian, and only he can make it sound hot, really hot.”
47) "'I like your kinky fuckery,' I whisper.”
48) "Christian, you are the state lottery, the cure for cancer, and the three wishes from Aladdin's lamp all rolled into one".
49) “My subconscious has reared her somnambulant head.”
50) "Oh the sweet agony… his hands clasp my hips. He sets a punishing rhythm - in, out, and he reaches around and finds my clitoris, massaging me… oh jeez. I can feel myself quicken."