You know whats not scary? The melted candle-wax font.
You know what's NOT scary? The melted candle-wax font.

I'm admittedly NOT a metal head, bro, or dude. I DO, however, have some hesher tendencies. I like some late-'70s metal and PLENTY of the '60s long haired and heavy, but the Nu and Death and Doom and Speed and all the rest of the contemporary genres, y'all, I'm just not into 'em. I feel my lack of a taste for contemporary metal is due to four personal truths: 1.) I can't wear leather jackets, 2.) my sweet, beautiful baby face refuses to grow a beard, 3.) I typically dress in bright or primary colors (not black), and 4.) I find the brittle sound of a flanged, over-driven Flying V played through a Mesa Boogie stack quite lacking in appropriate rawness. Still, my hesher tendencies encourage an occasional peek in the "metal" section, like, to see if I'm missing something. But, once there, I get all frustrated grandpa 'cause I can't actually read decipher any of the godamn band names—they're all dripping blood or celtic-informed fonts!

It's spooky and goth and shit, but what's the point in writing a band name in an illegible font? I get it's important to seem evil, but who the hell would be REALLY scared of a band who has written their name in melted candle wax or to look like a tramp stamp? For you folks who have NO IDEA what I'm talking about, dig the above example of a contemporary metal band's album art—the band is Symbolik and their 2011 album name is Pathogenesis. IS ANY OF THIS LEGIBLE?

If you wanna hear Symbolik dig THIS. Also, as Christians have assimilated contemporary metal into their extreme gospels, I honestly can't tell if this is a secular band or not.