THE LITTLE PRINCE I hope he dies of thirst
  • THE LITTLE PRINCE I hope he dies of thirst.

A shining, gold-plated example of a thing that adults think kids like but that in fact kids do not like is The Little Prince. Countless children have been forced to suffer though the brutally false profundity of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's 1943 book, and in the dark, inescapable future, countless more will silently beg for the sweet release of death while being subjected to its cruel smugness and hollow tweeness. Then these children too will grow old, and forget how truly horrific The Little Prince is, and inflict Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's never-ending ouroboros of pain upon the next generation. This endless, heinous crime is particularly prevalent in France, because of course it is.

There's now going to be a new movie of The Little Prince, and it will play at Cannes next month (because of course it will), which means that now, not even our blessed illiterate children will be able to avoid The Little Prince and the soulless, dead-eyed creature who stares from its pages.

On the upside—most likely in order to stretch out The Little Prince's tooth-grinding parable so that it will fill the scant runtime of a children's film—it appears the filmmakers have added an entirely separate, aggressively modern-day, Princess Bride-style framing story. I predict that the horrid, oblivious adults who enjoy The Little Prince will be very upset by these additions. I will collect their tears and I will drink them from the finest of goblets. I will dance to the song of their screams.

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Here's the trailer, via The Dissolve. The first sight of that goddamn little prince filled me with such boundless, boiling rage that I screamed out in fury and flung my computer against the nearest wall, where it remains lodged, sparking and smoldering. I am typing this on a replacement computer. I plan on hurling this replacement computer into the wall as soon as I am finished with this post.

The Little Prince will feature the vocal talents of a number of grown-ups who should be doing better things with their time, such as Jeff Bridges and Marion Cotillard. (It will also feature the vocal talents of James Franco, because of course it will.) Despite all their celebrity casting, the filmmakers—who I will note should be tried in a court in The Hague as war criminals—have not done the one thing that might have made me cut The Little Prince even the slightest bit of slack. I speak, naturally, of having the film's titular character be voiced by Prince.

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