Get me a fur coat made of Grimaces hide.
Get me a fur coat made of Grimace's hide. Christopher Halloran / Shutterstock.com

Really, Carly Fiorina? You really want to go after Hillary Clinton on the "accomplishment" narrative? You really think that's where she's the most vulnerable?

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"I think her time in the position of secretary of state is demonstrably one that lacks accomplishment but that also has some real blemishes on it," Fiorina told a bunch of talking heads this week. Yeah, okay, sure, there are some blemishes, nobody's going to argue that. But "lacks accomplishment"? Are you nuts? And why on earth are you, a person fired for nearly destroying a major company, inviting this comparison?

So let's just nip this one in the bud by talking about all the things that Clinton accomplished just as secretary of state, setting aside all of her other work.

(But just in case you do want to talk about her loooong list of prior achievements: uncovered Nixon electoral fraud, first student commencement speaker in Wellesley history, first scholarly article transformed family law, director of University of Arkansas's first legal clinic, eliminated onerous school testing requirements, first woman on Walmart's board of directors, overhauled the adoption system, yadda yadda yadda. What have you done, Barbara Bush? Picked out a china pattern and wrote a book about a day in the life of your dog?)

Okay, secretary of state. Where to begin? Clinton has probably done more for women around the world than any other secretary of state. (Yeah, yeah, I see you, Madeleine Albright, but you didn't join the Women's Ministerial Initiative until after you left office.) Clinton called gender equality "the unfinished business of the 21st century," and created an initiative called "No Ceilings" (which unfortunately sounds like an avant-garde architectural firm) to empower women. She created a $600 million fund to send girls to school, and created a plan to advance women in leadership roles around the world. She also made ladies feel okay about not spending an hour styling their goddamn hair every single time they leave the house, because sometimes there are more important things to worry about.

Oh, right, also she was there in the Situation Room when Osama Bin Laden was killed.
Oh, right, also she was there in the Situation Room when Osama Bin Laden was killed. Official White House Photo by Pete Souza

And she got China to release human-rights dissident Chen Guangcheng. And she brokered a cease-fire deal between Palestinians and Israelis that may have prevented World War III. But yeah, sure, Fiorina, what's she done for us lately?

To be fair, Clinton also wanted the United States to support the overthrow of Gaddafi in Libya, and that's turned out to be a bit of a mess. (I cannot even deal with how tired I am of hearing people talk about Benghazi who probably could not even point to it on a map.) Her sanctions haven't exactly stopped Iran's nuclear projects. And she hasn't been able to stop Syria from basically being a laboratory of atrocities. Hillary Clinton has messed up here and there.

But you know, all things considered, she hasn't left behind a terribly legacy. Compare that to Carly Fiorina, whose greatest contribution to western civilization is a batshit insane campaign commercial involving demon sheep. (Skip to 2:20.)

I can't imagine why Carly wants to talk about accomplishments, because she's best known for achieving the layoff of 30,000 people, crashing Hewlett-Packard's stock into the ground, and being forced to resign. She also advised John McCain's presidential campaign (remember that?) and ran for California Senate (she lost).

Another Carly "accomplishment": voting in only about 25 percent of state elections. I personally am not a big believer in the efficacy of voting when districts are gerrymandered within an inch of their lives, but come on, dude, if you're planning to get into politics, at least send in your absentee form.

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Carly is an easy target to make fun of, if anything, because she's made so many mistakes. "How do you stop ISIS? Buy the organization and lay them all off. That is what I did at HP," tweets a parody account. "I was a tech genius running HP, that is why we are all using hPads and hPhones." Also, "I beat cancer because I had great medical insurance. Elect me & I will work tirelessly to deny coverage to other cancer patients." Ouch.

Also of note: Her people forgot to register http://carlyfiorina.org, and the person who did manage to snap it up has done something brilliant with it.

So there you have it: Fiorina seems to think that she can attack the accomplishments of Hillary Clinton, a woman who may have averted a world war, while she herself couldn't find her way into a voting booth. Awesome. I just hope Carly makes it to the debates, so we can see her lose one more time.