Scientists reported Wednesday that 2015 was the hottest year in recorded history by far, breaking a record set only the year before—a burst of heat that has continued into the new year and is roiling weather patterns all over the world. In the continental United States, the year was the second-warmest on record, punctuated by a December that was both the hottest and the wettest since record-keeping began.

You know what else happened in 2015? Five unelected judges* radically** redefined marriage. Coincidence? Yes. Definitely a coincidence.

But there have to be Christian conservatives out there who are just dying to blame climate change on us gays and our gay marriages and our gay buttsecks. They've already blamed gay marrying and gay buttsecksing for earthquakes, floods, wildfires, hurricanes, tsunamis, autism, mass extinction, 9/11, the rise of ISIS, and the plunging stock market. But to blame us for climate change—and you know they wanna—they first have to acknowledge climate change is actually happening. So they're kinda trapped right now.

Maybe we could cut them a deal? The gays graciously accept all the blame for climate change and the rightwing haternuts let world get on with doing something to stop climate change. Not by banning gay marriage or gay buttsecks—since that won't actually help lower carbon emissions—but by pouring money into wind and solar, taking coal plants offline, getting us off oil, building/rebuilding mass transit systems, etc. And every time a new wind turbine goes up on a windswept plain, or every time a new solar panel is installed on someone's roof, a gay will be dispatched to the site to apologize on behalf of all gays everywhere for heating up the planet.


Support The Stranger

* "The Supreme Court can no more repeal the laws of nature and nature's God on marriage than it can the law of gravity," Mike Huckabee said after the court handed down their decision back in June. One quibble: If the court repealed the law of gravity, shitty bigots like Mike Huckabee wouldn't float away. (If there was any change of that a hundred cases challenging the laws of gravity would be making there way lower courts right now.) But the court found that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional and same-sex couples are currently getting married in all 50 states.

** Obergefell wasn't a radical redefinition of marriage—it was a perfectly logical redefinition of marriage. A majority of the justices concluded that a logical, secular, animus-free case could not be made for excluding same-sex couples from the institution of marriage as redefined and practiced by opposite-sex couples. So Obergefell didn't redefine marriage at all. It affirmed the modern definition of marriage.