There are many important questions to ask about the debate tonight. For example: “What?” “Really?” And also “Why?”
The chances are excellent that you will not be watching this one, because it’ll be television-only. No online streaming, unless you sign up for a $30/month subscription to a financial news website, which no normal human being will ever do.
But then again, can you really put a price on democracy? Yes, as it turns out, you can; and you already have placed that price at somewhere below $30 by refusing to pay for a CNBC subscription. Fortunately, The Stranger will be liveslogging the event, so democracy is saved!
Why isn’t this debate livestreaming online for free, like the others? Ah, I’m glad you asked. It’s because this debate, unlike the others, is being paid for by a cable company. Everyone’s best friend, Comcast, has decided that it’s more important to paywall a debate for their subscribers than participate in an open democratic society. What pals. (Now might be a good time to mention that Kshama Sawant wants to replace Comcast with a municipal provider, which might not be any better but it would still be a fun kick in the teeth to Comcast.)
Anyway, tonight’s debate will air on CNBC, whatever the fuck that is. Some kind of news channel for money-savvy people? If you provide your credit card info, you can sign up for what CNBC says is a “7-day free trial,” but I wouldn’t if I were you. They placed a $30 debit on my account the moment I signed up; so much for free trials. I guess that what makes them money-savvy.
I’ll be liveblogging whatever mess slimes the stage tonight, but it’ll be the usual rogues gallery of creeps: Ben Carson, somehow in the lead in one recent poll; Donald Trump, the living embodiment of one of those statues that looks like it’s a never-ending stream of urine; Carly Fiorina, likely to describe her imaginary fever dreams of things that never happened; Mike Huckabee, college dropout; and a bunch of other relatives you always avoid at family functions.
The field is only one man smaller than it was at the last debate, now that Scott Walker has dropped out to spend more time with his failure.
One fun thing to watch for: lately, Trump has been going after Carson on the subject of religion. “I’m Presbyterian, that’s down the middle of the road,” he told his idiot supporters. “Seventh-day Adventist, I don’t know about. I just don’t know about.” Trump doesn’t care about religion, of course; if he did, he’d know that the Presbyterian church is far more progressive than “the middle of the road.” He’s just seeding doubt about rivals, his specialty. The man is an absolute genius (a sociopath, sure, but a genius sociopath) and I’m simply in awe of his ability to manipulate voters’ anxieties with just a few words. I’m hoping the debate tonight will veer deeply into the personal so we can see some really raw nerves.
More potential entertainment: Bush used to mentor Marco Rubio, and now they’re rivals. If we’re lucky, they’ll lash out at each other. And there’s also the chance that Chris Christie will bring a pair of boxing gloves and just start slugging anyone who comes close to him. Why not? Tonight’s all about entertaining an audience, albeit a small audience of people who are either old enough to subscribe to cable or gullible enough to believe the words “7 day free trial,” so here’s hoping we get our money’s worth.
