God Bless America, and God Bless Parookaville.
“God Bless America, and God Bless Parookaville.” Christopher Halloran / Shutterstock.com

I’m not saying that musical taste alone should dictate how you should cast your vote. (Hairstyle is important too, and let’s not forget the swimsuit portion of the competition.)

But when deciding which of the candidates are most deserving of your derision, there is perhaps no better indicator than their terrible taste in music. It is something to which they freely admit, because it makes them seem “fun,” and it is every bit as awful as you feared.

Let’s start with the most recent admission: Marco Rubio likes EDM, but don’t worry everyone, it’s basically country music. It was during one of this week’s town halls that Anderson Cooper ambushed him with the question “have you ever been to a rave?” and Marco was almost too flustered to answer.

“I think I’m a little too old to be going to a rave, to be honest with you,” he said. He then reassured the audience that EDM doesn’t have any bad words, so that’s a relief — a man who hears swear words couldn’t possibly become president.

“You’ve got these DJs that are taking electronic music and overlaying it with tracks from country music and all sorts of things. So the lyrics are clean,” he said.

So no raves for Marco, although he has talked about attending at least one foam party, which is a super heterosexual thing to do. In fact, in his book, he tells a story about he once left his girlfriend to go to a foam party in South Beach. (Ultimately she guilted him into leaving early, sounds like a fun relationship.)

John Kasich, on the other hand, said last night he prefers Fall Out Boy and Linkin Park, which he listens to with the other 10th-graders who smoke behind the art wing while skipping study hall.

And then there’s Donald Trump, who likes Michael Jackson. Not as a musician, just as a friend, because as Donald wants everyone to know, that Jackson guy was real ugly.

“He lost tremendous confidence because of, honestly, bad-bad-bad surgery. He had the worst. He had people that did numbers on him that were just unbelievable,” Trump said. “You know, the plastic surgeons. He was an unbelievable talent who actually lost his confidence. Believe it or not, when you lose your confidence in something you can even lose your talent.”

Well, there you have it, Michael Jackson lost his talent for having a face.

Ted Cruz, though, man, he’s the worst. UGH just the worst. According to his wife, he sometimes calls her up to sing showtunes. Now I love a good showtune, but musical theater is something that demands context-appropriate performance. Like a foam party, it’s not something you just want sprung on you. It’s something you need to opt into. Springing musical theater on someone without their consent will only make them grow to resent it.

“I’m thinking, ‘I’m on a finance call right now,'” Heidi Cruz said, talking about one time when her husband broke into showtunes. “Do you really need to be doing this?”

The answer is no, he does not. He does not really need to be doing anything that he does. Apparently he sung at the town hall but I can’t bring myself to watch because even under the best conditions his voice is like the sound of someone chewing with their mouth open.

His poor, poor wife. But it could be worse: at least he’s not leaving her for foam parties.

Matt Baume covered geek culture, queer news, and city infrastructure, and would leap at the flimsiest of excuses to write about furries. A writer, podcaster, and videomaker, he resides on Capitol Hill...