There was another boy in the room with Tyler Clementi that night. That other boy, so far as we know, hasn’t been publicly identified.
He also hasn’t committed suicide.
A mob mentality has set in. People—gay and straight, liberal and conservative—are calling for the heads of the two Rutgers students who cruelly and thoughtlessly invaded Tyler’s privacy. Facing charges that could bring them fives years in prison isn’t enough: people are calling for Dharun Ravi and Molly Wei to be charged with manslaughter, even murder. But the other boy didn’t commit suicide. So there had to be something else going on, some other contributing factors, that drove Tyler to such a point of despair and hopelessness that he took his own life. And this one incident of anti-gay bullying, however traumatizing it may have been (and Tyler’s emails and web posts immediately after indicate that he was upset, but not destroyed, by what his roommate had done), were not enough to do it. The other boy hasn’t committed suicide. This one event did not take a healthy, well-adjusted, well-loved gay kid and convince him to throw himself off the George Washington Bridge.
I’m convinced that this—the cruelty of Tyler’s roommate—was the last straw.
There are questions that need answers before we crucify Ravi and Wei: Was Tyler bullied in middle school? Was he bullied in high school? Was Tyler, like so many gay teenagers, bullied at home by homophobic parents who thought they could fix their son by heaping condemnation and disapproval on him, by abusing their child emotionally? Was Tyler forced to attend a church where he was subjected to spiritual bullying? Was he surrounded by children who took the hatred of homosexuals, as expressed by their parents and preachers, as a license to abuse and torment the gay kids in their schools?
The rush to crucify the two Rutgers students who were involved in streaming Tyler’s encounter with another boy—who has not harmed himself—is more clearly revealed to be, with each passing day, nothing more than an effort to deflect blame by shifting all responsibility for Tyler’s death onto the shoulders of a couple of foolish teenagers. But it is clear—the other boy did not commit suicide—that there were other people who contributed to Tyler’s death. Indeed, other people may be more culpable: middle and high school classmates who may have brutalized Tyler for years; school administrators who may have failed to protect him; religious “leaders” and religious “traditions” that pounded self-hatred into him. And I’m very sorry to say this but it has to be said: Tyler’s own family may bear some responsibility for his decision to end his life.
There needs to be a broader reckoning. We need answers. And things have to change. Anti-gay bigotry kills, and increasingly it kills kids—children who are vulnerable and alone and being bullied emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Chris Christie, the anti-gay governor of New Jersey, was quoted as saying that he can’t imagine how the two students accused of secretly filming Clementi can sleep at night. I’m wondering how Christie sleeps at night—and Barack Obama. When the president says he opposes gay marriage because when it comes to marriage, “God is in the mix,” that sends a harmful message to gay children and their parents and their classmates.
Tyler’s roommate did not act alone. There are accomplices out there: uncaring teachers, criminally negligent school administrators, classmates who bullied and harassed Tyler, “Christian” churches and hate groups that warp some young minds and torment others, politicians on the right and left who exploit and perpetuate anti-gay prejudice, perhaps even Tyler’s own family. We need to learn more. And more charges need to be brought. Not just criminal charges against a couple of stupid teenagers who should’ve known better but didn’t. But ethical charges need to leveled against adults and institutions that knew better but didn’t care.
Ravi and Wei did not act alone. We have to recognize that there were others involved in destroying Tyler Clementi. And we need to start calling the effort to pin all the blame on Ravi and Wei exactly what it is: a coverup.
On of the few, very few, good things about our media culture is that the answers to all the questions will come out in time. Whether anyone is paying any attention at that point in the future is, on the other hand, unlikely given that same media culture.
Something happened in the hours before Tyler’s suicide, something beyond what is known at this point. It’s possible that his decision was just a delayed reaction to the video, etc., but I’m not buying it.
Common decency requires that I bite my tongue, so I do, but there’s more to this than we can see right now.
I think that if anyone at Tyler’s house said something unkind or cruel, they are probably paying a higher price now than any of us could imagine.
Of course, because we all know that everyone reacts the exact same way to every situation. Good grief.
I am so angry at the premature speculating & conspiracy theories. The post reads like someone sleep deprived and high wrote it.
If you don’t like the mob mentality, then say that. Then wait for the facts instead of this bullshit.
Ok, I’m very sorry to have to say this, but I’m disappointed in you, Dan. I am here in Brussels, waiting for your latest podcast to come down the line, assuming that you will go into a “major rant” over this case. But your tepid comments here don’t seem to indicate that’s in the offing. Yes, of course, those two idiot “kids” aren’t solely responsible for Tyler’s suicide, and, yes, his family, et al, are responsible. In fact, everyone is responsible — which is the problem, because if everyone is responsible, then no one is truly responsible. Right? But that’s not the point. The point is that this must stop; it must stop now; and you are the spokesperson to start a campaign to make it stop. A campaign that would enlist every gay person in this entire country to wear a “Yeah, I’m Gay — So What?” button or something similar on a particular day. Until all the gay people in this country reveal themselves to the rest of the society, until they can show just how many Tylers there are out there, no one is going to change anything. That that young man, so apparently talented and gifted, has thrown his life away out of shame just for being gay should never be allowed to happen again. And you, Dan, are the only person I can see who has the media power to do something about this. Now. You have become a political figure. Your increasing rants have led you down this path, which you may not even want to travel, but travel it you must. It’s up to you, man. Get going!
Thank you, Dan. I don’t think Tyler’s suicide was set off by this single incident. I don’t feel any sympathy for the pair that taped him though – I think they are a couple of sociopaths, frankly. But I don’t think homophobia was _necessarily_ the reason for their so-called prank (though it very well could have been). The level of cynicism I see in that age group and the disconnection from concepts of kindness and respect can be shocking – I wonder if it’s generational or just that phase in life…. Do I sound like I’m 90?
But Tyler’s suicide leads me to wonder about his home life as a child, his grade school years and also his general mental health. I was filled with despair for much of my college career as a result of undiagnosed mental issues (depression, severe ADD) that made it difficult for me to function on a social and academic level- and so were a lot of my peers, even if I didn’t know it. (I was not, however, suicidal – that was in high school.) What happened to Tyler, with or without a homophobic motivation, was a pretty horrific violation in and of itself. That alone might have been enough to set off his suicide if he was in a depression, but also if he had felt rejected all along, that could have been the last straw – the violation that confirmed his outsider status.
And yes, there was another guy in that room being taped. I hadn’t even thought about him, until you pointed it out. How must he be feeling?
But finally, what’s the story with Tyler’s family? I understand they’re devastated and grieving now, but a statement from them might go a long way to clarifying what happened with this kid.
I have been having similar thoughts Dan. Especially when I hear about bullied, gay kids that killed themselves the day that they came out to there parents. It’s horrifying to say when there is no evidence, but I can’t help but think that if the parents were supportive when their child came out and showed unconditional love and compassion that those kids would not have felt so hopeless as to see suicide as preferable to living in their current environment, or in Tyler’s case, if the authorities that he complained to showed the moral outrage, that Dharun and Molly’s gross invasion of privacy warranted, and compassion and empathy, then Tyler might be alive today. I know that without further information, such things shouldn’t be said, so please take what I say as just my mind trying to go down unfair pathways in privately trying to understand the many little things that take a young man to the brink of suicide.
In my own situation, my father predictably said that I was dead to him when I first came out. And my sister cried all day. They are both incredible loving and supportive now, but if I wasn’t as strong, or I was outed before I was mentally ready who can say what I would have done. Sadly in today’s still intolerant environment, it takes an incredible aware and emotionally mature parent to be able to convey unconditional love and compassion to their child coming out.
Bravo for calling Christie out on his hypocrisy and Obama as well, who has been such a profound disappointment to those who thought that we might get a measure of equality with him in office.
@99 – There is a perfectly good bridge in New Brunswick, isn’t there? I live in the area too, and your comments raise some possibilities I hadn’t thought about. But maybe when you’re wounded, you run to the place that feels like home? I dunno.
But I think the point here is that Tyler did not just manifest out of nowhere to be taped having sex and then fling himself off of a bridge. There were 18 years of living before that, and I don’t think those two worthless POS who taped him would have spurred his suicide if what came before was all sunshine and roses. Did his family support him? Did he know they had his back? Did he have a tolerable grade-school experience?
Leo77, what’s your take on this: This was a gifted young man who was making a place for himself in the fine arts in New Jersey, a 45-minute train ride away from New York City – are we really to believe that he was not surrounded by happily out gay folks? And as far as I know, Rutgers is not exactly a hotbed of homophobia – though I could be wrong, since it’s been ages since I was hanging with students there. But the outrage on campus seems pretty genuine. If Tyler did kill himself because homophobia made his life seem unbearable and hopeless, I think the magnifying glass should be on what came before, not necessarily on the last hours of his life.
This case is so different from the other gay teen suicides Dan has highlighted because so far it’s based on a single incident and the cause and effect is murky. The other teens (and younger) he has featured in his blog posts have undergone what can only be described as prolonged torture, usually in places that lack any real “out” gay community or have a strong fundamentalist religious vibe.
The key question is, What made Tyler Clementi feel so isolated that killing himself was the only way out?
We don’t really know that yet.
@106 Go read post 71.
Part of why Dan’s words and many of the conspiracy theory-esque responses it has spawned have pissed me off is that when my son was depressed and being bullied, we were doing everything we knew to do and what the experts were telling us to do. We supported him fully, including the fact that he was gay, spent untold hours in offices with teachers and administrators, spoke with a lawyer and so on.
It only take a few minutes or, at the most, a few hours to make a decision that cannot be undone.
And nothing super-secret has to have happened in the hours prior to that decision. Parents and friends could be as supportive as possible; that may not be enough to save someone from the poison of bullying, of being humiliated, of being fragil and/or the grip of depression or anxiety.
It could have been the crushing reality that it did not get better after high school, it could have been depression that came on quickly, it could have been something we’ll never know or a combination of all three. But what we do know is that something illegal was done to him and that needs to be prosecuted. And if we want to treat Tyler with dignity, then we’ll cool it on the speculation and let his story unfold.
I want to clarify that my son is alive and well now. I never thought that depression could come down so fast on someone who appeared fine to the rest of the world. Having been through that part of it plus the bullying part of it leaves me confounded that anyone could think that Tyler’s suicide is somehow mysterious or that not enough happened to him to explain what he did.
@109: I agree that we shouldn’t assume Clementi’s parents were rejecting, but it’s definitely something that should be investigated. Gay kids who are rejected by their families are over eight times as likely to attempt suicide as kids who have loving and accepting parents. With those kind of statistics, you have to be a little suspicious of the parents.
By way of comparison, a statistically high number of female murder victims are killed by their husbands, boyfriends, or exes. As a result, those people are automatically on the short list of suspects in a police investigation. Doesn’t mean we assume that the grieving widower is a murderer, but we would be remiss not to follow the data with as much discretion and compassion as possible.
@109, I’ve experienced firsthand how depression and suicidal thoughts can kinda blindside you, and have had friends go through the same. I’m glad your son made it through.
Tyler’s suicide could have been just the result of a particularly bad day for his body chemistry. Or it could have been something more.
I think Dan raises a pretty relevant point that needs to be addressed though – and it’s not wrong to raise it now. The two kids who did the taping committed a serious crime, but it’s insane that people are labeling them murderers right off the bat. Their lives are already wrecked, I’m sure – and I don’t really feel too bad about that. But I think a lot of people are worried Tyler’s death will fade from the spotlight if there’s not a push for the truth. It’s not prurience to want to know, when gay kids are dying at at their own hands at a higher rate than their peers.
This young man’s death should be a wake-up call. But to what? To the need for schools to protect their students from bullying? To the need for more awareness on college campuses and among parents about depression, its signs and dangers? To parents who can’t come to term with their child’s sexuality? To the difficulties faced by LGBT youth? Or to just a lack of kindness and empathy in our modern society?
Tyler’s already been made a poster child by countless groups claiming his story – it would seem vital that the true story be known. And honestly, the statement released by the family doesn’t really put my mind to rest. It’s kind of ambiguous.
109, you did everything you could to support your child – there is no doubt in my mind that your efforts saved his life. But for every parent like you, there’s another who doesn’t make the effort you did. Tyler may have just been in a really bad spot, and pushed over the edge by the horrific crime that was committed against him. Or this might have been the culmination of a long history of adversity. But if people do just step back and “let his story unfold” it might never actually do that. These are questions that I really believe need to be asked, before this spotlight fades. The only police investigation here is into whether those two taped Tyler, invading his privacy – the rest of the story will only be heard if someone is moved to speak.
Thank you for this blog entry. You are the only one who seems to be thinking and not thoughtlessly being as blindly hateful as many so-called Tyler supporters.
I was actually part of the thread on JUB where Tyler asked for advice on the roommate situation. And he was NOT totally destroyed by the roommate webcam incident. And he said he hadnt been filmed having sex as the media as reported. He and the guy only made out that night he said. He was more annoyed than anything about what the roomate had done and was talking to the RA in order to switch rooms.
Something else MUST have happened
“The facebook post that “outed” him ended with “yay.” I can’t shake the feeling that his roommate was happy that Tyler had an honest sexual experience.”
I thought that for a second but why go on to out him in such a way. I then started thinking that the “yay” was because he was happy to see him caught in a scandalous position and he could have fun taunting him putting his business online. Either way he is an idiot and a first rate asshole.
I find it appalling that you opt to implicate society in a case that very clearly demonstrates individuals who engaged in malicious, invasive behavior. Yes, we do live in a society that has yet to come to terms with fair treatment of homosexuals, but this opinion reads as though the two students’ behavior was anything less than absolutely reprehensible. To film such an intimate act between unknowing parties is downright embarrassing and a complete violation of their rights, irrespective of the orientation of the people involved. In reading some of the comments, if what I’ve read is to be believed, that Clementi’s roommate thought he was doing Clementi a service in outing him, uh no, he wasn’t, and it annoys me to think he so arrogantly prided himself on getting involved in another person’s sexual life. But then again, I’m not retarded enough to think it was an attempt at anything other than pure childish humiliation. It may not have necessarily been on account of homophobia that they did such a thing, but it was nevertheless stupid and should be punished. Moreover, Clementi’s suicide also may not have just been about his outing. But I’ll leave the speculation to someone who’d rather be bothered with such questions.
Dan your right in many of the points that you made in this article. I am not homosexual but I have had a rough time dealing with some of the trials and tribulations that came through during middle school and high school. When you go through so much throughout your life and then think of a place that could give you an opportunity to be yourself its an amazing feeling. Tyler maybe thought that in moving into college was a great idea because people were going to be accepting of who he was but how could you live with someone who does something like that to another human being. The loss of a life is absolutely horrible but when you look at the other side of the spectrum it took a suicide that definitely hit close to home for everyone to get up in arms about it. What would of happened if Tyler didn’t commit suicide the two students would get expelled? I think that if more severe action is taken against bullying then things like this wouldn’t happen. As for the two culprits they are around my age and honestly I think at this point a person should know what they are doing and know that invading someones privacy when they are in a vulnerable state can cause major damage! What they did was wrong and I believe that we can’t just wrote it off as their stupid teenagers because it giving them and others permission to do it again!!
Did Tyler inform the roommate he was gay? Tyler asked for some private time and the roommate knew that Clementi was going to have a man over – how could he know this if Tyler hadn’t told him so? Perhaps the roommate was spying on Tyler’s computer conversations? Even in that event, having a man come to your room after you’ve asked your roommate for privacy pretty much outs you anyway. Does anyone feel for the roommate, having to know that his roommate is having gay sex in the room with some older man? I wouldn’t want to be in that situation – gay tolerance is one thing, but regular gay sex in your dorm room is quite another. Lesson – don’t ask your roommate for privacy and then waltz a man into your dorm room for a few hours and expect nobody to catch on (with or without video evidence) something doesn’t add up. Further, any homophobic straight male would not tolerate gay sex in his dorm room for a millisecond.
Did Tyler inform the roommate he was gay? Tyler asked for some private time and the roommate knew that Clementi was going to have a man over – how could he know this if Tyler hadn’t told him so? Perhaps the roommate was spying on Tyler’s computer conversations? Even in that event, having a man come to your room after you’ve asked your roommate for privacy pretty much outs you anyway. Does anyone feel for the roommate, having to know that his roommate is having gay sex in the room with some older man? I wouldn’t want to be in that situation – gay tolerance is one thing, but regular gay sex in your dorm room is quite another. Lesson – don’t ask your roommate for privacy and then waltz a man into your dorm room for a few hours and expect nobody to catch on (with or without video evidence) something doesn’t add up. Further, any homophobic straight male would not tolerate gay sex in his dorm room for a millisecond.