Gift Books for the New Depression

In this recession, nobody has any spending money. Some of us are
lucky to have jobs. But we all want to ply our loved ones with gifts
for Christmas, and everyone knows that books make the best gift of all.
In an effort to help you choose gifts for your friends and family, we
have compiled a gift guide of cheap books—anywhere from $5 to
free—including thrift-store finds and things that have been
handed to us on the street. And if things get any worse, almost all of
these gifts would make great kindling.

by Anonymous
$4.99 at QFC

You know you’re about to enter a temple to culinary greatness when
the cover to a cookbook touts such benefits as “PREP IN 20 MIN. OR
LESS!” and “PHOTO OF EVERY RECIPE!” The 76 recipes in Casseroles are the very definition of comfort food. They are inexpensive (many
casseroles are topped with chicken nuggets or Tater Tots), they are
filling (ham is a necessary ingredient in about a quarter of the
recipes), and they are quick (many of the entries, like the “Ham ‘n’
Tater Bake,” even omit letters in the title of the recipe itself, to
ensure speed of reading for the harried housewife). And the recipes
often come with exclusive chef’s commentary. Testifies Nita White, from
Cedar Springs, Michigan, of her “Reuben Casserole,” made by baking
corned beef, cheese, Thousand Island dressing, and sauerkraut at 375
degrees for half an hour: “I always get compliments when I take this
wonderful casserole to a potluck dinner.”

To put this book to the test, I made the “Crab ‘n’ Penne Casserole,”
a submission from Princeton, Iowa’s Nancy Billups, on page 55. The
recipe called for fake crab (frequently referred to as “krab”), Alfredo
sauce, zucchini, red-pepper flakes, and a whole lot of cheese. The
resulting dish was reminiscent of lutefisk: a cheesy, gooey panful of
pasta and fish. The cheese is refreshingly mild, to please even the
choosiest of kids. My whole kitchen smelled like a warm beach under a
bright, hot sun. And the meal sticks to your ribs in a certain
tenacious, indescribable way: I wasn’t hungry for nearly a day after
putting away a plate of Ms. Billups’s specialty.

This is a book for those of us who have to keep our friends and
loved ones full for hours at a time on an ever-shrinking budget.
Believe you me, if these are your goals for holiday cooking this year,
this is the book for you. PAUL CONSTANT

by Jack Chick
15¢ by mail or free on the
street

Published in 1991, DOOM TOWN is the Chick tract by which all
others should be judged—packed with drama, exploding with
intrigue, and loonier than shit.

The story begins at a gay-rights rally, where someone who looks like
Martina Navratilova addresses the crowd from a regal-looking stage.
While the speaker lays out a plan to infect the nation’s blood supply
with AIDS, the crowd hoists signs bearing slogans such as “LOOK OUT
AMERICA!” and “WE’RE ON THE MOVE!” Soon we zoom in on our
protagonist—an evangelical Christian cameraman videotaping the
proceedings, who implores God to let him “talk to at least one soul to
prove that I love them.” Instantly he’s presented with Sean, a young
man who asks, “Hey, man. What did you think of our rally?”

The cameraman’s reply is a story set 4,000 years ago in the land of
the Bible, where a man named Lot has chosen to raise his cattle on the
verdant plains of Jordan. “This was the worst mistake Lot ever made,”
says our narrator. “Lot didn’t know he had chosen to live in Doom
Town”—aka Sodom, where, as Genesis 13:13 proclaims, “the men were
wicked and sinned before the Lord exceedingly.”

From these 10 words, DOOM TOWN spins a nightmare fantasia of
same-sex perversion and widespread God-hating. Sodom is populated
almost entirely by burly bearded men who appear to be competing in an
Endora-from-Bewitched look-alike contest. Flowing gowns and
kicky wigs bedeck the otherwise butch Sodomites, who not only love to
vamp but to rape. “Even children were not safe from their gross
perversions,” warns our narrator over the most powerful image in the
book: a doe-eyed toddler cowering before a huge, hairy-backed man who
proclaims, “It’s that time again!” (Not only did Sodomites love to
rape, they apparently had a rape schedule.)

From this pinnacle, DOOM TOWN descends into murky
preachiness, with God promising to spare Sodom if the town holds even
10 righteous men, which of course it doesn’t, and so two male angels
are sent to warn Lot of the coming rain of fire. This deployment brings
DOOM TOWN back to dramatic life, as the Sodomites express their
fervent desire to rape Lot’s angelic houseguests. (“Give us those men!
We’re gonna rape ’em!”) In a shocking twist, Lot offers the rape-hungry
mob his virgin daughters. Then, in an entirely predictable denouement,
God blinds the lust-filled mob, allowing Lot to escape, and obliterates
Sodom with the aforementioned rain of fire.

Finally, we cut back to 1991, where the fate of Sodom has made a
strong impression on young Sean, whose fate is summed up in one line:
“Sean prayed, and God saved him for all eternity.” It’s a nice ending
for a shockingly inexpensive book, one that, despite its thin
characterizations and over-reliance on rape, will make a perfect gift
for anyone who enjoys sodomy. DAVID SCHMADER

by Various
$3.99 at Safeway

Do you know someone who loves to read? Don’t we all! What could be a
more thoughtful gift for the literature lover in your family than a
whole collection of articles on topics as varied as endangered
orangutans, outer space, and health-care reform? Do you doubt the
quality of literature on display? Take in the eight-sentence excerpt
from Wally Lamb’s new novel, The Hour I First Believed. Consider
the interview with John Updike, on page 36 (including the fundamental
question: “So what keeps you writing?”).

Reader’s Digest reaffirms the American dream. The latest
cover story is a survey of how other nations consider the United
States. Did you know that 73 percent of all people from India would
move to the United States if they could? And 55 percent of French
citizens want to immigrate to America?

And is there any wonder why? Reader’s Digest comes with “57
jokes for the whole family,” including the ever-popular “Off Base”
humor section for our proud men and women in uniform. There’s a real
knee-slapper involving one of our navy boys, a Norwegian man, two young
Frenchwomen, and an unzipped fly. In these tough financial times,
consumer affairs are important, too: The magazine is packed with
bargains and consumer reports on air travel, portable washing machines,
and long-distance phone calls. You and your loved ones should not enter
this New Depression without a copy of Reader’s Digest in hand:
All of American life can be found within two covers, for four
paltry dollars. PAUL CONSTANT

by God
$1.99 at Safeway

Just above the pleasant photograph of New England foliage in all its
colorful splendor, the cover of this pamphlet promises “Powerful
thoughts to lift your spirit.” It is a pocket-size selection of Bible
quotes (alphabetized handily into 48 separate subjects, from
“Alcoholism” to “Jealousy” to “Think” to “Afraid”) on rough newsprint.
Never again will you have to scour the entire Bible for a quote like
“Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4
KJV); just check under C for “Comfort”!

This book would make the perfect gift for one of the three and a
half thousand people laid off by Washington Mutual last month. From
“Money”: “When we were born, we brought nothing into this world, and
when we die, we can take nothing out of the world” (1 Timothy 6:7 BWE).
It’s a true blessing on all God’s children that the confusing
begets and begats and uncleans can be taken out of
the Bible, and the remaining bits can be condensed into 64 pages of
hugs from angels up in heaven. All the holy will need, in addition to
Bible Guide to Happiness, are the “Footprints” poem and Sam
Butcher’s essential Precious Moments cartoons. PAUL CONSTANT

by Various
Free

So you went and spent all your damn money on an iPhone. Sure, you’ll
probably have to sell your TV and let your landlord watch you take a
shower to pay the rent this month, but your awesome robo-phone ensures
that you’re cooler than all your friends (unless those assholes all
went and got iPhones, too).

While you may be broke and TV-less, you’ve got your phone to keep
you company during those lonely hours in your cold, dark apartment. And
what better way to relieve the depression than falling back into
America’s long-forgotten pastime: reading.

Can’t afford to buy books during this whole economic recession, you
say? You’ve got nothing to fear, except maybe fear itself. You can get
FREE BOOKS on your iPhone.

Programs like Stanza, eReader, or BookShelfLT (all free) allow you
to download the hundreds of classic public-domain books—including
the nearly complete works of H. P. Lovecraft and Edgar Rice
Burroughs—you avoided reading in high school! Now you can finally
replace all those unread copies of the Orwell, Kafka, and Dostoyevsky
books that you had to burn to keep warm!

Your eyes may go bad from squinting at the tiny screen, but now you
can actually catch up on 20th-century literature and stop snickering
every time you hear someone talk about Moby Dick. (Spoiler
warning: It’s about a whale!) JONAH SPANGENTHAL-LEE

by Jeff Cohen
$2.95 at Safeway

Who wouldn’t want to work less and earn more? Jeff Cohen is
the guru on the subject, and this square-bound pamphlet tells
you how to get started. Cohen describes his experience working in an
office with vivid freshness: “It was like living in an aquarium with
people peering in to see me. I expected fish food to be tossed in my
office at lunchtime. Instead, I devoured a steady diet of turkey club
sandwiches and the panini of the day.” His metaphors are richly
complex, so he explains them. “In case you haven’t guessed by now,
cubicle and office life is not for me.”

His advice? Cohen suggests that the reader do what he did: He
dropped out of the rat race and employed multiple revenue streams. He
did human-resource consulting for large corporations, freelance
writing, publishing, and real estate. Freelancing is a safe
haven: Recently, a whole mess of freelance news-writing jobs opened up
at the Seattle Times. And nothing’s a more secure investment
than real estate!

Cohen even provides new axioms for American business:

“It’s every man for himself” will now be “It’s every man for every
man.”

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there” will now be “It’s a
dog-meet-dog world out there.”

“You’re the only real friend you’ve got” will now be “You’ve got
more real friends than you can invite to a dinner party.”

Cohen’s secrets of financial success are the sort of hard-won,
homespun wisdom that will never go out of style. If you know someone
who’s down in the dumps because his employment opportunities have dried
up, this is the book for him. He’ll be up and at ’em in the vital
publishing and real-estate industries in no time! PAUL CONSTANT

by Charles Sailor
$2 at Twice Sold Tales

Published in 1979, The Second Son is a novel about a New York
City construction worker named Joseph Turner who falls 24 stories to
his death, is resurrected, and finds reluctant fame as the second
Messiah. He confronts many obstacles in his new life as a megacelebrity
and religious icon: burning buildings; a mysterious, malevolent secret
agent named Nightingale; a nuclear explosion; a pope who wants to shoot
Turner for ridiculous popely reasons; an evil president; a one-eared
mobster named Gumbali; and a hooker with a heart of gold.

This is very clearly a novel of the ’70s. There’s social relevance
(a young black boy asks Turner, “How you know I gots any dreams,
mister? Can you see inside my head?”), weird sexual politics (the
hooker coos, “Wouldn’t you like to rape me somewhere more comfortable?”
and Joseph picks her up and carries her to a bed while complaining,
“You soft modern women have no appreciation of passion”), and
references to Watergate and The Godfather are on every other
page. But it’s not just ’70s time-capsule goofiness. Sailor can write;
his imagery is especially good: “He found himself wandering into the
infected porno district of the Bronx. It was like traveling in a neon
box. The garishly lit buildings jutted up forming impenetrable walls,
their blinking lights reflected off the low gray lid of sky.”

They literally don’t make them like this anymore. There’s real joy
to be found in these sprawling novels of the 1970s; other
long-out-of-print paperbacks like The Boys from the Mail Room,
The Man Who Killed Mick Jagger, and Little America are
sitting, battered, on used-bookstore discount shelves for a dollar or
two, just waiting to be snapped up and given to an ardent lover of
fiction. The boundless ambition in these books—and the sense that
a novel is less about action and more about a journey into the self, a
journey undertaken by both the main character and the
reader—is a pleasure long since forgotten as the mass-market
paperback format has lost its populist luster. These are thick books
that, though flawed, will remain with a reader for years.
PAUL
CONSTANT

by Various
$3.69 at Safeway

Archie Andrews is a rat and a girl-watching schlub. He could get
laid—obviously his greatest wish—if he could only choose
between Betty and Veronica, but he just can’t do it; Bartleby-like, he
prefers not to decide, and so he has remained in stasis for six decades
now. These less-than-10-page stories are timeless in the worst way
imaginable. In one story, Archie buys a talking clock. Of course, the
gizmo results in him being brutally beaten by Veronica. This is because
Archie is always a loser.

Why is Archie always a loser? He certainly doesn’t ally himself with
the greatest minds at Riverdale High School. Jughead is an apparent
eunuch who loves only hamburgers. Reggie is a hypersexualized
narcissist who somehow still attends public school. Archie’s own father
is a weepy-eyed fool. “It’s like we’ve advanced four centuries in just
25 years!” he mawkishly proclaims when presented with his son’s talking
timepiece.

But there is more, and less, to it than all that. Archie is a loser
because he is eternal and unable to change. He lives in a neverwhen
place, a mishmash of every decade between the 1950s and today. Like
2008’s dated problems, with banks collapsing everywhere (1920s),
inflation (1980s), war in Iraq (1990s), long lines for cheap gas
(1970s), and fear of the Russian specter looming somewhere in the east
(1950s), Archie’s problems never end. He just stares at them, helpless,
and then ogles the next girl who walks by, confounded by the eternal
question of whether to pursue the blonde or the brunette. Archie is
doomed to live forever as an object of derision. Archie is us. PAUL
CONSTANT

by Dr. Wendy Winsted
$2.99 at Value Village

All I want for Christmas is a ferret. Did you know musician Dick
Smothers and actor David Carradine had ferrets? Every single
long-haired pot dealer I knew in high school had ’em, too—they
were always named either Ricky, Rusty, Misty, or Cheyenne. I’ve wanted
one ever since I saw one run out from under a beat-up La-Z-Boy, bite
the ankle of the person who had just sat in the chair, launch itself
straight up in the air with a frenzied hiss, then run into the next
room. Ferrets are dreamy.

I’ll never own one, though. Know why? ‘Cause they STINK. Even after
you castrate and “de-scent” them (by removing their pesky anal glands),
they still smell like a three-month-old rotten egg whisked into a
frying pan with a bottle of Jovan Musk, then cooked into an omelet. But
they’re still so cute! The only way to really satiate my ferret
cravings is to collect ferret books from thrift stores. Ferret by Dr. Wendy Winsted is a particularly good one, with 128 pages of
advice (“Don’t spank him on the head, this will only pound his teeth
deeper into your finger…”) and over 90 pages of mid-1980s gorgeous
color photos of ferrets playing with toddlers, teens, and grandmas;
photos of ferrets eating bananas; and even a photo of Dr. Wendy herself
kissing one right on the mouth, while four more are wriggling around in
her purse.

Despite all the good advice, and the fact that the cover says
Ferrets‘ reinforced binding is “practically indestructible” and
“guaranteed for 10 years,” the photos are the real reason to buy the
book. If you tire of reading about how to care for your potential pet’s
post-op anal glands, you can cut out the pictures and make greeting
cards. KELLY O