The Levels of Greatness a Fiction Writer Can Achieve in America

CENTIPEDE IN THE DARKNESS: Noah Cicero

Has published seven books. One on Lulu, two on his personal blog,
and four POD on small presses. Rarely, if ever, has sex with fans he
meets on MySpace. Gets more hits on his blog in half a week than has
sold books in five years. Ignored by all print, for-profit media except
in foreign countries. Makes enough money from his writing to get drunk
once a season. Will likely die alone of something easily treatable if
he’d had money or motivation to go to a doctor. Will be forgotten in 20
years (while he is still alive) when he loses the ability to blog after
getting first-degree burns on both hands while boiling potatoes at
work. Will be rediscovered 60 years after his death. Blog will be
published as a hardcover in 2270 on Mars.

THREE-FOR-A-DOLLAR FEEDER FISH: Steve Almond

Has been reviewed by the New York Times and published books
on corporate presses but one of them was a nonfiction book about candy
and he fights back publicly when
shit-talked by Gawker by first
making sure that everyone knows he does not read Gawker and only found
out he got shit-talked because someone else told him. Quit his adjunct
teaching job because Condoleezza Rice was invited to speak at his
college. Has sex once a month with fans he meets through MySpace.
Receives up to three e-mails a day from a mix of MFA students at
community colleges, Centipedes in the Darkness wanting blurbs, and
14-year-old girls who have lived their entire lives in gated
communities. Will not be forgotten easily even after he is dead and his
books are out of print because of how easy it is to talk shit about
him. Will then be forgotten very easily, completely, and forever a few
days after I type this when there’s someone easier to talk shit
about.

$9.98 PETCO GERBIL: Anne Tyler/Carol Shields/Jane Smiley

Have won the Pulitzer Prize and other major awards but are thought
of by most critics, writers, and journalists to be primarily

romance authors or perhaps “self-help” authors, partly because all
their books are bestsellers but mostly because they are women who write
about human relationships and are not from a foreign country. Make
enough money to not have blogs, MySpace pages, or their e-mail
addresses on the internet. Will never be written about in Review of
Contemporary Fiction. Secretly considered “unseemly in a wholesome
way somehow” by serious literary critics; “I don’t know, is it okay to
read these people?” by MFA students at Iowa Writers’ Workshop; and “I
really, really want to stay away from those people and their books” by
people who like Thomas Pynchon a lot.

PONY ON A PONY FARM OF A CHILD OF A BILLIONAIRE: Joy
Williams/Mary Robison/Frederick Barthelme/Ann Beattie

Considered “important” and “serious” by most critics, writers, and
journalists, but are held back from further greatness by an inability
to make grand pronouncements using sociological, political, or
psychological terms in an earnest tone that conveys “I am very smart
and this is my serious literature.” Held back also because they
sometimes publish in smaller magazines, some of which don’t even
contain advertisements from Knopf or American Airlines; because some of
their e-mail addresses can be found on the internet; and because they
would never consider writing from the perspective of someone in a
terrible event that they did not experience. Occasionally mentioned by
Used Honda Civics in “Great” Condition (see below) to prove a
generalization wrong. Do not make enough money from their books to not
have teaching jobs. Too godless and without rhetoric to win a major
award or be satisfactorily written about by the important literary
critics of our time.

USED HONDA CIVIC IN “GREAT” CONDITION: Jonathan Franzen/
Rick
Moody/David Foster Wallace

Frequently cited in comments sections of blogs with
2,000–4,000 unique visitors a day as “Great American Novelists,”
or sometimes “the greatest writer ever that is still alive and
American.” Published novels at first, then got distracted and published
nonfiction books, story collections, essay collections, and other
things that made them less powerful. Also held back by their inability
to write about the Holocaust, genocide in Africa, racism, or the
immigrant experience; that they sometimes publish in places that are
not the New Yorker; and that photos of them exist where their
faces do not convey “I am very smart and this is my serious
literature.”

F-14 FIGHTER PLANE SHOOTING MISSILES AT CACTI IN NEVADA: Don
DeLillo/Thomas Pynchon

Distinguished from Used Honda Civics in “Great” Condition because
they are able to control themselves and focus only on novels, because
they would never consider publishing something in a magazine that does
not contain advertisements from major corporations, and the only photos
of them that exist are ones that convey “I am very smart and this is my
serious literature.” Are not familiar with MySpace and do not have
e-mail accounts. Unable to attain further greatness, just like
foreign-born American citizens cannot be president, because they were
born in America and their parents aren’t Jewish. Rarely do women attain
this level of greatness.

F-16 FIGHTER PLANE SHOOTING MISSILES AT A HUT IN IRAQ WHILE SOMEONE
INSIDE IS SHITTING
IN A HOLE AND TRYING TO
READ A COPY OF
‘PORTNOY’S
COMPLAINT’ THAT WAS AIRDROPPED BY ACCIDENT 10 YEARS AGO
IN AFGHANISTAN: Philip Roth

Publishes only on corporate presses and only publishes novels. Every
book is a bestseller, but always in a good way. Almost every book wins
a major award. Is never sarcastic in interviews (or in his books,
except occasionally the kind of sarcasm where authorial meaning is the
direct opposite of the literal meaning). Will never be forgotten.
Shit-talked only by $9.98 Petco Gerbils or lower. Strong contender for
the Nobel Prize. Never considers publishing in nonprofit,
university-run, or independent magazines or journals. Would rather
commit suicide than create a MySpace page. Is Jewish and therefore
vaguely but satisfactorily connected to non-Americans, terrible events
from the past, and current events that cause CNN and Fox News to
suspend regular programming. Has sex only with people he meets in real
life.

Tao Lin is the author of the poetry collection you are a little bit happier
than i am, the short story collection Bed, and the novel Eeeee Eee Eeee.
Melville House will publish his second poetry collection, Cognitive-Behavioral
Therapy, in May, 2008. Read his blog.