YOU HATE: Hillbilly Bob Billy Billy--41%!
YOU LOVE: Chairman Mao--59%!

And now, a few words from both candidates.

That Thar's Mah Final a'Pinyin!
by Hillbilly Bob Billy Billy

Whad'yall mean ah bin "fired"? Nobuddy never said nary a word to me 'bout no contest! Now, ah ain't never did vote in no eee-lection a'fore, but if I'd a known that mah livelyhood dee-pended on it, ah woulda gotten mah whole fambly to vote! Includin' my cuzzins Jimmy Joe James Joseph, Joey Jimbo Joe Joe, and Jamey James Jim Jimmy Joe. They'd all have voted fer me--TWICED!! Ennyhow, ah ain't never met this here Mow feller, but ah hope he'll do you proud with sum good writin', and ah'm sorry ah weren't no better. Ah'm done sadder than a hog facin' the bizness end of a meat cleaver, and... and... AH'M A FAYLURE!! A-BOO-HOO-HOOOOOO!! A-BOO- HOO-HOOOOOO!! And that thar's (sniff) my a'pinyin.

How Now, Chairman Mao?
by Chairman Mao

IN YOUR FACE, YOU STUPID HILLBILLY! IN... YOUR... FACE!! You better be glad I'm not starting a new cultural revolution, or you'd be buried in a big pile of dirt, instead of having sex with your cousin in one! What are you going to do, hillbilly? CRY?? Well, go on! CRY, you blithering redneck hayseed! Everybody loves ME, and wishes you were DEAD. You're a horrible writer, and thanks to those who voted, there will NEVER be any more hillbilly writers, or anyone else who speaks against the state! Comrades, we must now band together, working long hard hours, eschewing all other pleasures in order to build the perfect society! For I am MAO! And Hillbilly Bob Billy Billy is a great big GOOBER! HA! HA! HAAAA!!

[The Stranger would like to congratulate Chairman Mao, and to everyone who voted... well, we hope you're satisfied.--eds.]