AM I NUTS, OR HAS EVERYTHING ON television suddenly gone stinko? There's at least another month of lousy weather ahead, and the best the networks can offer are crappy reruns, the Academy Awards, and MTV's Spring Break? It's too goddamn much to bear, I'm tellin' ya!! What? Do they think I've suddenly forgotten where I've locked away my shotgun? Do they think I've suddenly stopped washing down diet pills with Jägermeister?

Take MTV's Spring Break, for example. Jesus Pete, wotta nightmare! It was like a hairless Planet of the Apes! I kept expecting to see all the 35-year-olds thrown into cages with collars around their necks! And here's a question for you--and please, be honest. Am I the only man in America who didn't get the memo about shaving my chest? I swear, there wasn't a single guy on the beach whose chest wasn't shaved smoother than a bowling ball, and not one of them realized how GAY GAY GAY he looked. And you wanna hear something really gross? Seems like the new fashion in beachwear is to wear one's baggy shorts way down low, right? With no underpants, right? Which means these guys are shaving their pubes, too, RIGHT?? Ewwww! Ewwww! Ewwwwwwww!!

Now, it's not that I have anything against Spring Break in general. The idea of every drunken meatball and dumb bimbo in the world converging on one location thousands of miles away from me is very appealing. But I don't think MTV is doing society any favors by legitimizing alcohol poisoning, whipped cream bathing suits, and that stupid shaved-sides haircut that even Robert DeNiro was sporting at the Academy Awards!

OH! And don't EVEN get me started on the Oscars! If ya ask ME, they shouldn't be showing this train wreck on television anyway! What has the movie industry done for television other than crapping on it, and then strip-mining our favorite shows for unsuccessful remakes (seen The Mod Squad? Puh-LEEZE!)? So I say SCREW every one of those cell-phone-talkin', Armani-suit-wearin', Hollywood milky-lickers! Besides, did you notice at the Oscars how those fancy-pants movie stars were all Snobby McSnub about commie-hating director Elia Kazan getting a lifetime achievement award? Excuse me, but they're all fawking CRACK-HEADS, for Chrissakes! What are they getting all high and mighty about?

On the other hand, these crack-smokin' hypocrites may have a point. I'm no commie-lover (as you may have surmised), but unlike Elia Kazan, I would NEVER rat out a co-worker who had a case of the Trotskies. I might yank their pants down at a staff meeting, but I'd never rat them out! Anyhoo, the only saving grace of the Academy Awards was during the interpretive tap dance routine for Saving Private Ryan, when one of the dancers' ass-cheeks fell out of her shorts! But let me tell you--that girl had NOTHING to be ashamed of! Va-Va-Va-VOOM!

Anywhoop, the networks need to be more creative, and stop relying on people's asses falling out of their pants for ratings. For example, if they must show reruns, then why not do "theme" nights? Thursdays on NBC could be "Must-See Druggie" night, where they have little flashing arrows pointing to all the actors who are crack-heads. Or instead of Touched by an Angel, CBS could show "Soft-Core Jiggle Porn Theater" hosted by VH1's Where Are They Now? stars Milli Vanilli. Or FOX could produce a new series entitled World's Scariest Car Crashes Caused by Animal Attacks and/or Natural Disasters--waitasecond... they already did that one. Anyway! Here's my point: THINGS NEED TO IMPROVE, and if they don't... well, let me put it this way: As sociopaths go, I can either be Dan Fogelberg or Bernard Goetz--it's the networks' CHOICE!! Rat on your Commie workmates at

steve@thestranger.com