MONDAY, MARCH 29
The week kicked off with some good news. Readers may remember the plight of Nancy Seiden, the deaf and blind woman who lost her beloved guide dog, Liberty, when the two of them were struck by a hit-and-run driver. Well, today, after a 17-day absence, Liberty was returned to an ecstatic Seiden after being spotted hanging around Seiden's workplace, the Lighthouse for the Blind. Upon her return, Liberty was taken to a veterinarian for a checkup, and her condition is still being determined. Meanwhile, Seattle police still have no leads on the spineless prick who ran down the two and fled the scene.
·· In other good news: Today a federal judge overturned Alabama's ban on the sale of sex toys, wisely declaring the 1998 law to have no "rational relation to a legitimate state interest."
TUESDAY, MARCH 30
On the heels of yesterday's good news comes a distressing bit of sad news. At about 9 pm tonight, a violently mournful young woman was spotted sitting on a downtown sidewalk, sobbing. As our eyewitness approached, the girl (with streaks of mascara streaming down her face) leapt to her feet and began wailing and thrashing her arms about like a Greek tragedienne. The reason? Her brother had just died, and her heartless asshole boyfriend shunned her when she tried to talk about it. The inconsolable girl declared that she was all alone in the world and wanted to die, then hopped on her bicycle and pedaled off.
·· Thankfully, here's some news to bring a smile to even the most bereft person's face. While riding a roller coaster in Williamsburg, Virginia, flowing-haired Adonis and "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" spokesperson Fabio was struck in the face by a goose. While Last Days certainly regrets the minor cuts and bruises the 38-year-old supermodel suffered when he was struck in the face by a goose, we cannot deny that this is the funniest thing to happen to a celebrity since Bob Dole fell off that platform.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31
Today: Dirty doings in Volunteer Park. Early this morning a runner in the beautiful but infamous park ducked behind a bush to quietly relieve herself. ("Non-runners don't understand this, but sometimes you just have to GO," she said.) Instead of finding the usual collection of used condoms, our lady was shocked to stumble upon two guys fucking on the ground. "The guy on the bottom had his legs spread way up in the air, and the guy on top looked up at me anxiously. Not 30 feet from them, a road crew was fixing 15th Avenue." Unfazed, our eyewitness apologized, and continued on to a different bush to do her business. Her final thoughts: "It sure was cold to be having sex outside. And the guy on the bottom is going to have to wash his clothes in all-temperature Cheer, because he was getting very muddy."
·· Speaking of urinating in public: Today The Seattle Times blew the lid off the impending crisis of baby-boomer incontinence. In the past, incontinence has been treated primarily through the use of adult diapers (a $16 billion industry). But as vain boomers near the Age of Depends, the medical community is striving to develop new methods-including exercises, medications, and surgeries-to treat this very common and infinitely mockable disorder. But don't mock too hard: Like Alzheimer's, scoliosis, and being struck in the face by a goose, incontinence is only funny until it happens to you.
THURSDAY, APRIL 1
Today was April Fool's Day, and Last Days had big plans to report all sorts of invented nonsense to dupe and delight our readers. Unfortunately, our day was anything but a joke. After the new Stranger hit the streets (featuring a certain Last Days report of finding a certain contraband-containing Altoids tin on the street) we were paid a personal visit by two members of Seattle's finest, who gruffly inquired about the whereabouts of the tin and cast aspersions on our claim of having flushed its contents down the toilet. This led to an impromptu search of Last Days' apartment, where the police found not the heroin-containing Altoids tin (which we had indeed disposed of) but an entirely different Altoids tin, this one containing a couple of marijuana cigarette "roaches" and a handful of codeine aspirin from Canada. The "contraband" was seized, Last Days was booked for possession, and we now face a potential $500 fine and up to 100 hours of community service. Those of you who sympathize with our pathetic plight can send contributions to us here at The Stranger. (And those of you who actually fell for this story should hang your heads in shame.)
FRIDAY, APRIL 2
With her elegant spelling of the word "efficacy," Washington Middle School eighth-grader Lena Barouh whupped the butts of all competitors tonight at the King and Snohomish counties' regional spelling bee, reports the Seattle P-I. After wrestling with "aggressor" and "contingencies," Lena spelled "palladium" to beat out runner-up Irmina Haq, who nailed "playwright," "niche," and "hew" to get to the final round. As regional winner, Lena will get an expense-paid trip to compete at the 72nd annual Scripps Howard National Spelling Bee this summer in Washington, D.C.
·· Also today: Pirate radio at The Stranger. Tonight those earnest young whippersnappers from Free Seattle Radio broadcast four hours of lefty chatter, hiphop music, and cussing direct from the office of the publisher. His impressions? "They were all very cute, and they decided everything by consensus." (Kinda like The Stranger, except we're all ugly as sin, and we decide everything by kickboxing.)
SATURDAY, APRIL 3
After a week and a half of willful ignorance, today Last Days tried to wrap our mind around what the hell is going on in Kosovo. A session in front of the TV news filled us in on the basics: the Serb capture of three U.S. soldiers, the NATO bombing of Belgrade's Interior Ministry buildings, the debate surrounding the sending of U.S. ground troops. But as coverage turned to the ethnic Albanian refugee crisis-with images of the hundreds of thousands of people trapped without food, shelter, or medical attention at the borders of neighboring countries, their lives in tatters, with no end to their misery in sight-an overpowering force drove us to change the channel. Soon we were watching a wacky TV bloopers show, where we witnessed an overweight bride falling face first into her wedding cake. Ha ha! Falling is funny.
SUNDAY, APRIL 4
Today was Easter, the Christian holiday commemorating the resurrection of Jesus following his crucifixion. (Some people can't even die right.) To celebrate, KOMO 4's community talk show Town Meeting tackled the question that has entranced theologians and LSD-enhanced college students for centuries: Does God Exist? On one side of the debate was Antioch Bible Church Pastor Ken Hutcherson, who said "Yes!" On the other side was atheist Edward Tabash, who said "No!" Unfortunately, the only real revelation was the discovery that loudmouthed atheists are even more annoying than loudmouthed Christians (and that Town Meeting host Ken Schram is more annoying than all the world's Christians and atheists put together.)
·· Also today: With her heroic 47 days of Lenten sacrifice behind her (during which time she consumed no alcohol and smoked no marijuana), today Last Days' favorite Catholic, Meg from Wallingford, was free to drink and smoke to her heart's content. Which she did, getting smashed on Mexican beer and Irish whiskey, and, eventually, throwing up. Happy Easter!
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