YOU ARE NOT GOING TO fawking believe this, but after nine years -- NINE... LONG... YEARS -- I finally have all my freaking cable channels. Now, some of you may be saying, "Yeah... yeah... whatever. Get with the ass jokes." But what you don't understand is that until now I've been desperately fighting for full cable, only to be told time and again by TCI that instead of constantly begging for good customer service, my time might be better spent shoving my head up my bung-hole. However! And I never thought I'd say this, but... THANK GOD FOR AT&T! As soon as they bought TCI, it was like some great dark veil was lifted, and AT&T suddenly agreed with what I'd been saying for, lo, these many years: "Wow... these people at TCI are really retarded, and now they're so fired." So, huzzah for you AT&T! You are truly the wind beneath my wings!

Okay. Now that my appreciation for AT&T's efforts has been duly noted, I can now gleefully welcome them as the new jerks in the neighborhood and begin kicking their fat corporate asses around the block. For example.... ASS-KICK #1: Look, I know you guys haven't been in the cable business for long... but Jesus Christ on a freaking pogo stick! When you add, subtract, or switch around channels, it's usually a good practice to let your customers know WHAT THE FAWK YOU'RE DOING. I've had my new cable for well over two weeks now, okay?? And I still haven't received a channel line up card yet! Then, when I called to remind you to send one out, your representative said, "A channel line up card? Oh... wow. That's a really good idea." Ohh-kay, Sparky! This meeting of the "No Shit, Sherlock!" Club will now come to order!

ASS-KICK #2: And while I appreciate your system of grouping similarly-themed channels together, why do I have to surf through four shopping channels, seven news channels, and eight government channels just to get to the goddam MTV? All stoopid channels (like the ones previously mentioned) should be garbaged at the high end of the dial alongside crap like the History Channel, the Golf Channel, and that stupid Christian channel that only shows Dr. Quinn, Frontier Proctologist and Touched on the Swimsuit Area by an Angel.

ASS-KICK #3: And another thing! Was I ever asked if I wanted all these "family" channels? I HATE families, and they HATE me! The way I figure it, I've got roughly 29 new channels -- but I only enjoy nine of them! I absolutely hate 14 of them, couldn't give a flying handshake about four of them, and I've been watching two of the channels (Odyssey Network and Classic Arts Channel) for an entire week, and I still don't know what the hell I'm watching! There's opera, weird movies with subtitles... it's like living in Russia, except without the benefit of being an alcoholic!

Anyway, instead of loading me up with a lot of worthless channels only a drunk commie could enjoy, let's make a deal: You give me the nine channels I want, and I'll send you 20 bucks a month. I'm sure you can sell those excess channels to people who can appreciate them, like... oh, I don't know... nursing home residents?

ASS-KICK #4: Actually, there is no ASS-KICK #4, since I can't think of anything else to complain about. BUT DON'T YOU WORRY, AT&T! I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING!!

[Dear Readers: this soon-to-be historic I Love Television™ marks an important turning point in Wm. Steven Humphrey's career, in which he not only gets full cable, but turns from being an important voice in television criticism into a doddering old fool like that guy at The Seattle Times. In other words, cut this one out -- it's gonna be worth something someday. -- eds.]