TUESDAY, DECEMBER 28 Today President Clinton appeared on the popular television program 60 Minutes II. In an interview with the charming (and seemingly soused) Charlie Rose, the Prez offered dark predictions on the imminent threat of biological warfare in the new millennium, but spoke optimistically about cures for AIDS, cancer, and spinal cord injuries, which will make the near future "more exciting than any period in history." Charlie Rose nodded in concord.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 29 Over 500 Iranians have pledged to sell one of their kidneys to help finance the killing of Salman Rushdie, the "blasphemous" British author condemned to death by Islamic religious decree in 1989. BBC News reports that a total of 508 people have thus far offered kidneys and signed up to help pay the $2.8 million bounty on Rushdie's pompous but ultimately harmless head, and fatwa supporters hope to further boost their kidney pledge drive by taking it to the Internet.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 30 Earlier this month, Last Days reported on the seven-year-old Massachusetts girl who spent the night with her dead mother, and the nine-year-old Memphis boy who spent a month with his. Today the heartbreaking trend of kids hanging out with their dead parents reached a disturbing new low as the Associated Press reported the story of Karina Pistorio, a four-year-old girl in Oklahoma City who spent Christmas weekend with the corpse of her father, who died suddenly of heart trouble. Karina has since been taken in by her grandparents in Deer Park, New York.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 31 Today citizens of the world braced for The End by stocking up on bottled water, filling their cars with gasoline, and wandering around town on hallucinogenics. Meanwhile in Russia, President Boris Yeltsin abruptly resigned, leaving control of the country to Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, a man whom Last Days has a very, very bad feeling about. And in our own little corner of the globe, The Seattle Times ran a front-cover photo of Ahmed Rassam, the surprisingly hunky Algerian suspected of plotting to blow up the Space Needle. And while Paul Schell's decision to cancel local New Year's festivities was questionable, at least the "terrorist threats" were made by a man most Seattle residents would be happy to make out with.
>>Also today, Stranger writer David Schmader got completely smashed and sucked some cock, as is his custom.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 1 Happy New Year! Contrary to all outward signs and any sense of justice, life on earth did not expire with the turn of the new year, and a relieved and grateful Last Days would like to celebrate humankind's resilience by offering readers this New Year's Quiz.
Please identify this object:
[Paulus: I will sketch a three-inch high drawing here]
If you said, "a light bulb," you are wrong.
If you said, "Your mama bending over to pull up her pantyhose," you are right.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 2 Journalistic history was made today as The Seattle Times boasted the greatest headline in the history of the printed word: "Schell: 'I'm not a wuss.'" And while Last Days remains skeptical about humanity's prospects in the coming millennium, we must say that any world that allows the word "wuss" in newspaper headlines is one we are happy to inhabit.
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