STOP LOOKING AT ME like I'm stupid -- cuz I'm NOT. Oh, I see how you look at me when you think I'm not looking. You smile and nod at all my ass and monkey jokes, and then, as soon as I turn away? BAM! Your eyes rocket up to the top of your skull and take two swift orbits around your sockets before plummeting back to normal. Then, lips curling into that familiar, all-knowing sneer, you whisper underneath your breath, "Hoooo-boy! Wm.™ Steven Humphrey sure is stoo-ooh-ooh-PID!"

Well, LOOK! I'm not the one who's stupid, it's my TV column that's stupid. If I had MY way, I'd be writing a column about some very intelligent subject... like... oh, I don't know... like art, or politics... you know, stuff like those four-eyed sissies over at Salon write (except I certainly wouldn't name my magazine Salon! HA! What a bunch of Nancys!! HA! HA! HAAAA!). Anyway, if you ever read the other TV columnists in town (and I know for a fact you don't), they are always doing things to make themselves look smart. See, they can be talking about Moesha or Green Acres, and figure out some way to stick in the word "recalcitrant" (which means "refusing to obey") or "ignominious" (which means the same as "ignorant" but spelled differently). But don't be fooled! These people are in fact, very STUPID, and it would be ignominiously recalcitrant of me to state otherwise!

SO! In an effort to stop your incessant eye-rolling and palm-sniggering, I've decided to smarten up my column this week by talking about a TV channel which is nothing if not brainy: the Bravo network. In Bravo, we find a channel that is so intelligent, so cultured, it would make any of those poofs over at Salon wet their lacy petticoats. Though touted as "a film and arts network," it wisely stays away from what I like to call "the idiot arts" -- which includes opera, modern dance, and poetry -- and sticks with less snooty subjects, like independent film, interviews, and profiles, as well as the more intelligent variety of TV show (not Moesha or Green Acres).

For example, if you are an independent film aficionado (i.e. someone who doesn't mind watching a three-hour movie about water dripping into a bucket), Bravo often spotlights fancy-pants directors such as Kurosawa and Fellini, as well as modern-day hacks Spike Lee and John Waters. Music lovers will appreciate in-depth profiles of David Bowie, Isaac "Hot Buttered Soul" Hayes, and the Blue Note record label (Note to famous jazz artists: getting drunk and "just winging it" is not an acceptable substitute for saxophone lessons). And fans of pompous celebs should really love Inside the Actors Studio, in which laughably untalented actors like Martin Short, Sly Stallone, and Kim Basinger pontificate on the vagaries of the stage in front of an audience of drooling thespians/ future waiters.

However! What you should definitely not miss is Louis Theroux's Wild Weekends (in which the son of novelist Paul Theroux travels around interviewing UFO abductees, demolition derby drivers, and porn stars) and reruns of the '80s TV classic Moonlighting, which (believe it or don't) makes one fall in love with Bruce Willis all over again. Waitasecond!! I saw you roll your eyes! Goddammit, I AM NOT STUPID!!