Since I don't have any local gossip other than that Radio Nationals' Pat Schultz was seen making out with his girlfriend (I assume) throughout Sanford Arms' set at the Tractor Tavern -- hey Lover Lips! I've decided to take a quick flick through the English-speaking world's gossip pages and share with you some of the kind of dirt I only wish I could be shoveling here. I ask you: Where have all the butt-biters gone?

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Britain's News of the World reports that Sting was a "right little tearaway" as a child, wreaking havoc at his Roman Catholic grammar school. Along with pranks such as filling the school with tear gas and pummeling rival soccer players, nouveau do-gooder Sting was infamous for making priests cry! I once made the school disciplinarian (who was not a priest but a "brother") cry -- but not until high school. I made Sister Josephine cry, too. Everyone made Sister Agnes cry.

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Also from NOTW: The Brazilian floozy who recently bore Mick Jagger's love child, and broke up his marriage to horsy dim bulb Jerry Hall, boasts, "I'm 10 out of 10 in bed." But she says she doesn't want to be big-headed about it. Too late. Whatever was she thinking, having a one-night stand with one of rock's biggest -- and oldest -- sluts? "I got drunk," she says. I hear ya, sister.

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The Sun reports that (yawn, who cares) Simply Red frontman Mick Hucknall is nailing model Nell McAndrew, otherwise known as the human face of Tomb Raider cyber-babe Lara Croft (whom The Stranger's Bradley Steinbacher plays with in his office all day). The two were spotted taking a hotel room together after boozing it up at the bar next door. The Sun also reveals that Ms. McAndrew has 34D "charms."

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More from The Sun: "Patsy Kensit revealed yesterday how she and hubby Liam Gallagher watch porn in bed under a giant crucifix." Radiant new mother Patsy explains: "I know sex within marriage is not strictly sinful but things can get out of hand, you know. When we're really going for it, getting a bit dirty and we're sticking the porn on the telly and all that, there's this big cross bearing down on you... well it might seem a bit odd to some people." Eeeewwww. And guess who gave Liam the tips about porn? Hugh Grant! Eeeeeeewwwwww.

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This just in! It seems a nasty scene was played out down at the Cha-Cha recently between a woman and a certain Murder City Devil. Witnesses say the two were embroiled in a heated discussion when the woman suddenly threw a drink in the band member's face. A short time later, the band member dumped a pint glass of water over the woman, who, sources say, had been acting cantankerously all night. Incensed, the soaked woman then flipped out and grabbed the first thing she could get her hand on -- an empty cocktail glass -- and threw it forcefully at the band member's feet, where it smashed to bits on the floor. The band member walked away and the woman left the Cha-Cha shortly thereafter, but not before shedding a few remorseful tears on another Murder City Devil's shoulder. What an asshole that woman was!

Hey, wait a minute... that woman was me.