I have something I want the American people to hear. I'm only going to say this once. I did not have sex with those doorknobs -- Mr. Bauer's knobs -- and I never asked anyone to lie. In my time with the Bauer campaign, and in my many closed-door meetings with Mr. Bauer, there was never an inappropriate relationship between my tongue and Mr. Bauer, his staff, supporters, or office supplies, and I can personally attest that Mr. Bauer's campaign did not have a glass ceiling. (Having pulled out of the race last week, Mr. Bauer's campaign now lacks walls, windows, and floors.) This has been a difficult week for me and my family, and I'd like to thank my team of spiritual advisers -- Eric Scigliano, J. C. Watts, Ira Glass, Mark Shields, Larry Kramer, and Robert Novak -- for their good counsel, their insights, and their invaluable support.

Now, I would like to return to the business of the American people: I want to thank you, VOK, for writing to me about this very important issue. Please stand and be recognized. [HOLD FOR APPLAUSE] My husband and I share your concerns, VOK, and during my listening tour of New York state I have been overwhelmed by the number of people who tell me they miss the old Show-World. Due to the misguided policies of the Giuliani administration, many of Show-World's live performers are now without work, and their families are without health insurance. Having concluded that neither HILLARY! nor Mayor Rudolph Giuliani can adequately represent all New Yorkers, especially the peep show community, I have decided to run for the U.S. Senate as a candidate of the Reform Party. I hope I can count on your support.

As you may know, I don't actually live in New York state at this time -- my last known residence was the Kirkwood Hotel in Des Moines, Iowa. However, my close personal friend Rod Dreher of the New York Post has offered to let me stay with him until I can find a condominium in Manhattan, which William Kristol of The National Review has offered to help me purchase by making me a large loan in a complicated cash transaction that I can neither understand nor explain. My financial advisers, however, assure me the loan is all perfectly legal. Thank you, and God bless America.

For the person who wrote in to ask if his porno-video renting habits could ever be revealed, thus ruining his future political career, he should know that he can rely on more than his video store's discretion. The Video Privacy Protection Act of 1988 (18 U.S.C. section 2710) prohibits video purveyors from disclosing the titles of any videotapes rented or purchased by any customer. The Act was passed in response to the disclosure of Judge Robert Bork's video-renting history when he was nominated for the Supreme Court. Apparently Bork only rented family flicks, but Congress passed the Act in a hurry. So liberals DO have a reason to be grateful for Bork.

Law Student at UPenn

And so does Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, whose most likely less-than-family-friendly video rental history was, thanks to Bork, protected by law by the time he was nominated. And while I recall reading that most of Bork's rentals were, indeed, family fare -- The Parent Trap, The Sound of Music, Birth of a Nation, Silent Scream -- Judge Bork's records also revealed that he had rented Triumph of the Will 47 times.

Plastic Wrapped, in a recent column, recommended a novel masturbation technique. For further information about this technique and MANY others, check out www.jackinworld.com. The site is filled with information for both men and women. Please pass it on.

Cincinnati Reader

After checking out jackinworld.com, I only have this to say: When this terrific site goes public, BUY, BUY, BUY! Don't wait to read about jackinworld.com's IPO on thestreet.com! Slap your tongue down on jackinworld.com's sticky ground floor right now!

I met this guy over the Internet. We've been talking for a few months now. I told him that I wanted to get to know him better. Well, it turns out that he's politically right-wing, while I'm a diehard lefty. Is it possible for two people who are diametrically opposed politically to have a romantic relationship?

Left of Chairman Mao

Is it possible for two people who are diametrically opposed politically to have a romantic relationship? Yes, but only if they're characters on a sitcom. Incidentally, Mary Matalin (Republican) and James Carville (Democrat), after their many appearances on CNN, are now officially characters in a sitcom.

I have to say that the advice you gave to "Former Fan," the man who experienced some bleeding after anal sex, was missing one key element. Not to be self-serving, but he should march down to a doctor's office for a physical examination and full evaluation of the problem. (Others pointed out that FF could have anything from hemorrhoids to rectal cancer.) Your readers should not fear going to most any physician with these sort of problems. The vast majority of us are professionals and would not try to humiliate any patient with such a problem. And besides, we've all seen much freakier stuff than that.

Fraz Ismat, M.D.

Dear Dr. Fraz: While I'm sure you maintain your professionalism when it comes to bloody butts, methinks you overestimate your fellow physicians. I agree that Former Fan -- who told us he no longer reads my column, and will therefore miss your potentially life-saving advice -- should see a doc on the off chance he has rectal cancer, or hemorrhoids, or wood-boring insects, or the dreaded heebie-jeebies. However, I have stacks of letters from people who've tried to talk with their doctors about their sex lives, from extreme stuff like vaginal fisting, to boring stuff like blowjobs, only to have their doctors turn green, throw up in their laps, and advise them against any sexual expression that wasn't missionary in position and brief in duration.

Confidential to Jake: I didn't have a problem with anything you said on CNN. But my boyfriend isn't my husband, for one thing, and did you want to shake William Kristol's hand?

letters@savagelove.net