MONDAY, FEBRUARY 28 Hot on the heels of last week's announcement that nicotine helps combat symptoms of Tourette's syndrome and Alzheimer's, today researchers from Madrid announced that THC, the chemical in marijuana that makes users "high," has shown promise as a weapon against brain cancer. In a study on rats with late-stage glioma -- a quick-killing cancer for which there is currently no effective treatment -- researchers found that THC caused a buildup of the fat molecule ceramide, which provoked a death spiral in cancer cells while leaving normal brain cells unharmed. Researchers were quick to point out that THC's anti-cancer benefits were achieved by injecting the chemical directly into rats' brains, and that smoking pot is not an effective curative or preventative treatment for brain cancer. However, the recent findings on nicotine, pot, and high-fat/low-carb diets suggest unequivocally that everything we've ever been told that's bad is good, and Last Days looks forward to the forthcoming surgeon general's report revealing that watching hardcore pornography lowers your cholesterol.


TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 29 Today the complete fucked-upness of everything reached a terrifying new level, when a six-year-old boy in Michigan shot and killed a fellow six-year-old student, using a loaded gun he'd found beneath the covers of a bed in the crackhouse he'd been living in with his mother and brother since his father's incarceration (life is beautiful, indeed). According to police reports, the boy -- who had been suspended from school twice in the past (once for stabbing a student with a pencil) -- fired a bullet at point-blank range into the neck of a female classmate with whom he'd had a playground spat the day before. Following the shooting, the boy placed the gun in his desk and reported to the principal's office; following questioning by police, he calmly returned to drawing pictures. Now the world gets to decide who's to blame. Law officials wisely declined to file criminal charges against the boy, instead focusing on the owner of the gun. Nineteen-year-old Jamelle James was charged with involuntary manslaughter for leaving a loaded semi-automatic where a six-year-old could find it. President Clinton (remember him?) is focusing on the United States' stupidly lax gun control, urging Congress to pass a new law to help "keep guns away from criminals and children." And Last Days, clueless as always in matters of grave national importance, blames the only person we ever blame for anything: Lenny Kravitz. But cheer up: Tomorrow this deeply disturbing Michigan shooting will be pushed from the front pages by a man in Wilkinsburg, Pennsylvania, who goes on a shooting rampage, killing two men and critically wounding three others.


WEDNESDAY, MARCH 1 It's the best movie of the year, and it's been hit with two stupid lawsuits. Today the Associated Press reported on the legal troubles currently surrounding Boys Don't Cry, Kimberly Peirce's lyrical drama chronicling the life of Brandon Teena -- a boy born into a girl's body, who was then blasted out of it by a gun-wielding Nebraska asshole. The first lawsuit comes from writer Aphrodite Jones, who claims Fox Searchlight Pictures abandoned plans to finance her Brandon Teena biopic (slated to star Drew Barrymore, dear God), when they realized they could purchase the already-in-the-works Boys Don't Cry. The second comes from Lana Tisdel, the real-life girlfriend of Brandon Teena (portrayed in the film by ChloË Sevigny), who claims Fox Searchlight committed slander with onscreen references to her being "lazy white trash and a skanky snake," perpetually under the influence of drugs and alcohol. Touted as a true story, the film also portrays Tisdel as falling asleep at the murder scene and doing nothing about it after it occurred (police reports show Tisdel was not present at the time of the murder). Aphrodite Jones is seeking at least $1 million in damages; Tisdel's damage claim is as yet unspecified.


THURSDAY, MARCH 2 Less than 72 hours after Spanish researchers championed the cancer-fighting properties of THC, doctors at an American Heart Association conference today issued a warning linking pot smoking to heart trouble. A study conducted by Dr. Murray Mittleman of the Harvard School of Public Health has found that the risk of a heart attack is five times higher than usual in the hour after smoking a joint. Whether this is connected to marijuana's speeding up the heart rate (an additional 40 beats per minute) or just the result of pot-induced pig-outs (100 percent of pot smokers, at one time or another, will eat a quarter pound of melted cheese off a plate with a fork) has yet to be determined. However, Mittleman points out that his findings could be particularly relevant to baby boomers, many of whom are dragging their pot-smoking habits into middle age, and whose marijuana-laced, Jefferson Airplane-underscored trips down memory lane may soon be punctuated by shortness of breath, radiating pains down their left arms, and the comforting jolt of a defibrillator.


FRIDAY, MARCH 3 Today in Darby, Pennsylvania, a 62-year-old woman spent nearly an hour shopping at a neighborhood grocery store without realizing that someone had stabbed a knife in her neck. Reuters reports that Darlene Jones had just set out for the store when a running passerby slapped her on the back of the neck -- or so she thought. Only after returning home (with a package of Oreos and a newspaper) did Mrs. Jones become aware of the stabbing. Her daughter noticed the knife handle protruding from her neck and yanked out the blade, releasing a gush of blood and inspiring a trip to the University of Pennsylvania Hospital, where Mrs. Jones was listed in fair condition Saturday.


SATURDAY, MARCH 4 When it comes to political activism, Last Days usually sticks to the basics: apathy, whining, and occasionally hucking deviled eggs at the TV. But following Paramount's recent decision to produce a talk show hosted by former porn star/current idiot Dr. Laura Schlessinger, we've jumped on the "Stop Dr. Laura" bandwagon. Equal rights groups across the nation have banded together to let Paramount know exactly how stupid they are to even consider giving lunkheaded Laura -- who regularly refers to homosexuals as "biological errors" who incessantly molest children -- a television audience of nearly 20 million viewers. For those of you who may be deterred from action due to pesky First Amendment issues, no one's saying Dr. Laura doesn't have a right to say whatever she wants, just that Paramount should think seriously about whether they want to pay her to do it. For more info and easy e-mail access to Paramount, check out www.StopDrLaura.com.


SUNDAY, MARCH 5 Speaking of Dr. Laura, here's some fascinating news on the Antichrist. Today Cardinal Giacomo Biffi, the leading conservative contender to succeed the pope, revealed his views on God's worst enemy. The 71-year-old Cardinal of Bologna (now there's a title) said the Antichrist is not the seven-headed beast described in Revelations, but a prominent philanthropist whose concern for human and animal rights and the environment masks his real aim: the destruction of Christianity and the death of God. Cardinal Biffi declined to identify this "vegetarian Antichrist," but said that he or she already walks among us. Please, please put Cardinal Biffi in a position of great power and influence immediately.

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