LOOK, I'm not going to do an April Fool's column -- it's far too dangerous. Last year I predicted Pat Cashman's radio show would disappear, and come Monday morning, NO PAT. Then I announced sexy columnist Dan Savage would have his own TV sitcom, and voilà! HE DOES! (The Parkers, Mon 8:30 pm, on UPN 11.) I have the gift -- so sue me!

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YOU CAN'T FIRE ME, I QUIT! Pressure from governmental forces has compelled the gutless corporate weasels of The Stranger newspaper chain to give me my walking papers. (Seems SOMEONE doesn't eat enough meat!) A sweet, harmless lad named Adrian Ryan will set up shop in this space come April 13.

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Seattle's bush-league celebs can rest easy -- Adrian doesn't have a catty bone in his succulent bod! But I'm OUTTA HERE! John Curley, you can streak though NikeTown wearing nothing but your "Bub" tattoo and that stupid Kingdome hat for all I care! KING 5 diva Jean Enersen can pay cash money for a dozen latex thongs at Nordstrom, and I'll not bat an eye! Our city's most notorious boozin' gay slut of a TV newsman, Mr. X, can wed Q13 anchor Leslie Miller in Dale Chihuly's Jacuzzi (while eating American chop suey from a margarine tub), and I won't even twitch! Adrian Ryan, meanwhile, is the most lovable, mild-mannered, lightweight, WUSSY piece of work who's ever been handed a gossip column by the MEAT-MUNCHING HOMOSEXUALS WHO RUN THE STRANGER!!

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MIGHTY MIGHTY SPB FORCE: Oh yes, I DO have post-retirement plans -- and how! I was going to be a groupie for H.O.T. (High-Five of Teenagers, Korea's hardcore Backstreet Boys), but I took one look at BSB/'N Sync manager Lou Pearlman (on ABC/Bunim-Murray's Making the Band, Fri 9:30 pm) and felt very, very dirty. ··· Easy come, easy go -- and here comes Spooky Banana! SPB is certainly gayo (don't get all giggly -- that's the word for Korean pop!), but they have a weirdo creative streak and indie cred aplenty. Think Flop/Pure Joy meets Beastie Boys, then add hi-tech SFX tomfoolery. (A good K-pop website: soompi.com.)

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NOW FOR @#$%! DALE CHIHULY: Glass pirate Dale Chihuly's all over the freakin' place! Tues 3/21, 4:30 pm, Mr. C was getting the blood sucked out of him at the Polyclinic lab. When Dale showed up in his usual eye patch, loud blouse/pant combo, and paint-splashed Birkies, everyone in the waiting room wished they could trade places with the needle-wielding lab tech!

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MORE @#$%! CHIHULY? Tiger spotted baseball's "Charlie Hustle" -- convicted gambler Pete Rose Sr. (bowl cut and all) -- lunching at Bakeman's Cafeteria Thurs 3/23. What does this have to do with the Pirate of Pilchuck? Tiger asserts, "Pete was in town because he's commissioned Dale to create a glass bust of that famous moment when Pete's slide into home during the All-Star Game ended catcher Ray Fosse's career. A ruthless prick to the core, that Pete!"

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NEXT WEEK: All the dirt those wimpy Stranger editors would never let me print!! shirley@thestranger.com