Dear Furious Vegetarian:

What ever happened to Carnie Wilson? She was my favorite member of Wilson Phillips, the talented trio whose hit song "Hold On" took them to the top of the charts in the early '90s. The other two girls may have had models' figures, but Carnie had soul. I loved her talk show a few years back. What's she been up to since then?

-- Trisha Wharton, Ames Lake, WA

Dear Trisha:

Eating meat is wrong. It perpetuates violence against all living things; it makes people fat and stupid; and it depletes our natural resources. Did you know that the amount of grain fed to a single beef cow is enough to feed every orphan in America for four weeks? Of course not. You're too busy listening to Wilson Phillips and eating bloody, murderous meat. As for Carnie "Carnivore" Wilson, she recently recorded a duet with fellow meat-nazi James Ingram for the soundtrack of Cats Don't Dance, a film I will certainly picket, as cats most certainly do dance, and are our equals in every way. In August, Carnie had her big, fat, meat-packed stomach surgically stapled, with footage of the operation broadcast live on the Internet -- something that should happen to every meat-eating monster in America, right before they're herded up and shipped off to the slaughterhouse, where they will be butchered like the innocent animals they all hate so much.

P.S. Boycott The Stranger.