Y'KNOW, SOMETIMES I think people feel the same way about my column as they do the TV show E.R. -- i.e. they're both poorly written and executed, and while you can bitch and moan all you want about the writers, we aren't gonna change a damn thing. However! While my writing skills may be woefully inadequate, I'll bet you've never heard Dr. Green utter the words "ass-cookie" or "diaper gravy." Am I right? AM I RIGHT?? You're goddam right, I'm right!
And though I've consistently wailed like a cat with its tail in a blender since day one about what a crap-filled abscess E.R. often is, my cries have gone unheeded and you and your sheep-like cronies stupidly continue to watch it every Thursday. Well, you know what? I GIVE UP! That's right, I'm tired of what has become a futile attempt to point out what should be obvious (i.e. that E.R. stinks like a dead vulture's bungy). So instead of trying to wean you off this rancid piece of dog ass you've all fallen sooooo in love with, I've decided to simply trick you into watching something else!
Whoops. Did I say trick? Ha, ha, haaaaaa! Ohhh, no, no, no! I was only joking, of course! I would never, never, never, never trick you. Believe me? Good. Okay, so anyway, I just started watching this absolutely WONDERFUL show that's all about hospital emergency rooms, and it has loads of blood and guts, as well as touch-feely, smoochy-woochy human interest stories, and it's called Trauma: Life in the E.R. (the Learning Channel, Saturday at 4:00 p.m., Tuesday at 8:00 p.m.). And as opposed to some emergency room programs I can think of (showing at 10:00 p.m. on Thursdays), Trauma: Life in the E.R. is absolutely, really REAL.
Like the true-life hijinx of Cops, Trauma: Life in the E.R. visits a different city every week, taking us on a tour of various emergency rooms. However, unlike other fakey hospital shows that stink like sweaty jock straps, the blood squirting from these bodies is real! For example, in a recent episode, a gentleman came to the trauma center with a distended, bloated stomach full of gas. In order to relieve the pressure, the doctors (in full view of the cameras) made an incision down the man's belly -- causing guts to shoot out of his stomach like snakes popping from a can of peanut brittle!! "EWWWWWWW" is RIGHT!!
Then, another time? This guy comes in with knife wounds all over his torso, and after he's dead, the doctors take turns sticking their fingers in his bloody holes!! "EWWWWW" again!! And there was this one kid -- probably about four years old -- who fell mouth first on a sharp fondue stick! I know, it sounds funny, but it was actually pretty gross. Now, lest you think this show is totally about blood, guts, and gore (which 80% of it is), there are also simpy profiles of the doctors who go on and on about what fawking angels these people are... blah, blah, BLAH!
Hey, these guys and gals are no angels, but that's what makes this a great show: You'd never see that milquetoast Dr. Carter shoving his digits into knife holes and whooping it up on that shithole E.R.! Not that I'm trying to trick you into watching a show that's far superior, like Trauma: Life in the E.R.! (Heh, hehhh. I think they fell for it.... Oh, crap! Did I say that out loud?)
I Love Television™ is "trauma central"! steve@thestranger.com.
